Hi AllGood, I too always try to take the "high road". I understand what you mean when you say you get tired of it sometimes - assuming the responsibility and letting others somewhat off the hook.

I think the answer is determining what you can live with. Being the adult in the room does have it's advantages - you can walk away with your head high because you assumed responsibility for your part in the problem. You don't have to look back and say "what if" because you know you have done what was necessary for yourself.

Taking the high road doesn't make you take the blame - it just enables you to admit you had a part in it and don't want the incident to damage the relationship. I would say if it keeps happening over and over with the same person, then maybe you should rethink whether that person is a good person to have in your life.

My philosophy has always been - "Give it all you've got, do all you can do to fix the problem. It they choose not to accept it, you will know you've done all you could." No regrets.

Hope that helps.

It's a tough old life, but it's the only life we have!

Years ago a friend of mine faced a similar situation. He got therapy to help him sort it out.

The end result?

His therapist advised him to get all the turkeys out of his life! So he set about distancing himself from the turkeys: the people who took the low road, the people who lived for drama, the people who created drama, the people who wouldn't even try to see things from another point of view.

It worked rather well for him. Sadly his quest took him 3,000 miles away as he and his family went to live with the other half of his and his wife's family. (Not sure which branch of the family they were moving away from, but I know it was the turkey branch!)

Hugs

In AA we call it doing the next right thing....I find it helps me to be not in jail and not hated by those I am near...LOL well does that say anything about me?

I do not think it is doing the right thing that is causing the depression but the failure to enlarge the support group surrounding you and having things that are fun they do with you....those things have helped my depression alot...I had joined meetup.com to enlarge the network of people I associate with as I am now self employed...that means no coworkers to mingle with....so I got into singles meetup groups adding women and activities to my social life and all while staying celibate w/o sex since my marriage ended 10 yrs ago...so it is not sex it is socializing...fun stuff...people supporters friends...that has impact because if I were not being able to do the next right thing or being the bigger man I would alienate these people quickly....

hope this is food for thought....hugs

WHAT DO U MEAN "TAKING THE HIGH ROAD"?
GBU ALL
DRENA B

To me "Taking the high road" means doing the responsible, adult thing. Especially in a dispute.

From a bible point of view it is kind of like turning the other cheek, or like the Parable of the Good Samaritan. Doing good even though the people you are being kind to are being cruel or nasty to you.

I had one boyfriend who considered himself to take the high road. after a year living with him I realised that what it was in action was a form of passive agressive resentful embittered alcoholic suppressed hatred.

he never grew from the inside out. He imposed external bounds on himself that stopped him from growing EVER. Terrible things he did to himself in the name of 'taking the high road'.

So I have giant kneejerk reactions to even the phrase. If I take it to mean what i thought it did before I met him, I'd still say it's a bad idea.

It's a bad idea all round.

You have to learn to be what you are, and express yourself and your needs - in a constructive way, of course. But eventually, you have to express them.

Bottling does not work. Being 'responsible' does not work. Being good does not work. If you carry others you ENABLE them. You train them. You teach them what you will tolerate.

Do not tolerate what you do not tolerate. Fight for what you consider to be fair. And that's not passive, and that's not taking the high ground. That's making yourself an equal to the person who is annoying you, and reacting to them in a fair and honest way. They have no idea they are being annoying if you never say.

And sometimes you will be wrong. And your high ground will be out of place. Because we're not all of us ever right.

In my new life, I sit and let people burble their intense people crap at me, and it washes over. I could LOOK like I'm taking the high ground, but I'm not. I'm unaffected. I'm not taking any ground at all.

In the past I would be boiling inside, having giant quantities of emotion, and quelling that emotion and trying to be good and helpful. That was high ground. That was bad.

The new me does easily what the old me nearly blew apart trying to achieve. And the difference is internal growth, that you can't achieve, while you're holding back and turning yourself into a pressure cooker.

:D haha. I do speak from experience. Take the lid off. Climb down from thy mountain, and just be what you are. Human, with limits.

I want to be the bigger person who takes the high road. Each time I could do that I would see it as a triumph over myself. I hate my temper and my quickness to try to tell someone else what to do and what will happen if they don't in a nasty almost demeaning way.

I would say it depends on the situation. If you have done something wrong then it's important to own it and make amends. If the other person is at fault then you need to confront them about it.

I think it matters on the particular situation. If
youre feeling exhausted, then maybe its time to let loose.

When I was actively seeing a therapist, I had a similar problem. He would tell me "Accept, accept, accept."

Accept that there are people who will be juvenile. Accept there will be people that will be nasty and unpleasant to be around. Accept there are people who, no matter how hard you try, will always bring you down.

That's not to say that you should believe that their negative behavior is OK, but that it's important to let them negatively affect YOU. If you can, remove yourself from these people.

You're the cap'n of your own ship, sail it as you see fit. If people don't like it, don't worry about it. But likewise, they're the cap'n's of their own ships too. And some of those people will run their ship right into the ground. Let 'em.

Write everyone you know a letter, a generalized one that you can customize to each person. If they don't make the cut of what your expectations and needs are in three months block them on facebook ignore them and move to a new place and pay attention to those who are productive and creative and not destructive.

I too try to take "the high road", but I also call it like I see it, and in people, I see them as they really are, and will call them on their shit, say "get away from me with your negativity" if I'm sick and tired of hearing it.

Listen to Koolman, for he understands very well. You don't need negative energy in your life, for it will only bring you down. Seeing who people truly are is about looking beyond the eyes and the words that come out of their mouth, its about seeing their actions and intentions. It actually doesn't take very long to know if someone is a good person or not.

If you sense that they have evil motives, don't even try with said person, just walk away. You want to surround yourself among those with positive energies, people who don't bring you down, or try to make you feel less of a person. You know in your heart you are a good person, heck, the word good is in your username, there's the proof right there lol.

Keep your chin up hun, your going to get through this, I just know it. Just take it one step at a time, one day at a time. :)