"What are you supposed to do when you've wanted to kill yourself for as long as you can remember?"

is it fair to say that your home situation as a child was difficult?

if you water a plant with vinegar.... then it will have a hard time to grow. that would be my guess.

you are here for a purpose. that purpose could be caring for yourself and your family. because you are here..... you do deserve care. you do deserve support. you do deserve to be encouraged in your plans.

sometimes that encouragement doesn't come from people around you. then you have to build your own "nest" of encouragement. it is not so easy to build a nest from scraps of twigs.... but you can search for things that are helping you and build that as you collect your twigs.

one twig for your nest...... might be the book "5 love languages"...... it's a small book and well written. the author is a marriage counselor. he said that some people work hard at their marriages, but the effort is directed in areas that the spouse finds unimportant. so the spouse feels unloved and the partner doing all the work feels unappreciated. the book has practical advice on how to improve that situation. just one idea.

I understand if reading a book feels overwhelming right now. sometimes it's good to take a rest when things get overwhelming. eat a little snack or have a cup of tea. things will get better.

Oh Hon,
I'm so sorry about your husband. I understand your feelings. I truly do. My dad just passed after a long illness. My mother and I went through a lot of the emotions you describe watching him die. You feel like a failure, but you're not. Your husband appreciates you as does your child. He's sick is the reason he may blame you for things. Killing yourself is not the answer. Where would your daughter be then? The rest of your family? Prayers got us through that difficult time
I'll keep you in mind. God bless.

Dying from an illness and knowing it, would certainly bring all kinds of reactions and emotions that would differ from one person to the next. The thoughts, fear, and seeing his life fall apart may play a big role in how he reacts to you. Who else would he have to let these feeling out? It may not be an excuse, but probably much more of an expected result. I hope I am understanding your posting and pray that you stay strong and understand, this is not your failure but your concern and love for this posting. I observed much of the same many years ago. Please don't ever tag yourself as failing to do your very best and accept it as such. gentle hugs

Taking a scientific approach:

Life is a matter of decisions and actions. Sometimes we make the wrong decision or wrong action, or both.

Seems to me that it is a matter of ratio .... if the majority of decisions and actions are correct, then we are doing 'well'. If NOT .... depending on the spread, there is something wrong.

You seem to think you can do NOTHING right. If so, .. I think you might seek some kind of behavioral therapy. I am trying to be helpful ... either you are (basically) a perpetual failure or you are not. I would want you to find out ... and if so, find out why, ... and then fix it.

Whatever is going on .... harming yourself would be a horrible mistake. It would not fix ANYTHING ... while if you will seek help, it is probably quite fixable.

Talk to a mental health pro. Get to the bottom of it and have the life you deserve ... for yourself and your child.

My deepest sympathy goes out to you, your daughter, and your husband. Be strong. Seek help.

Thank you all for your help and support. I love my husband a lot and I know he does too. But this disease and his pain have changed pieces of him. He’s depressed, and quick to temper mostly because of the pain and he fears he’s dying soon and he doesn’t want to. I understand and see his pain. We’ve been together for 15 years so I’ve watched this decline the whole time. But it doesn’t make it easier. I know a lot of times it’s how own pain and depression that speak out and not him. But it’s hard to continue to fight and do everything I can to help him when it feels that everything I do is wrong because I keep making mistakes.

The thoughts of self harm are stronger than suicide, which is a reverse from when I was younger. I don’t want to die. All I’ve ever wanted was a family of my own. I don’t ever want to let my daughter down like that. But man some days when it seems that all I do is wrong and all we do is fight it brings those big questions.
Another day, another battle. Always keep moving forward.

Hi- I'm sorry to hear about your struggles. While reading your post, I remember my friend. Her husband is going through dialysis for almost 3 years now. He had many complications and used to be depressed. His primary doctor suggested that it's better for him to consult with a therapists but he refused.

They decided to join a support group that they meet in person regularly once a week. I can say that it's a big help for them. My friend's husband is now less lonely. I hope you will also consider to join a support group and I hope it will work for you too. Take care and please don't harm yourself. Your family needs you. I pray that you will not give up, you will have peace as you go through this journey and things will get better. God bless, please update us.

Husband is in dire straits ... and under immense stress but we are mixing issues.

No question you love your husband ... he is in very poor health, etc etc.

The ISSUE though is your either CHRONICALLY making mistakes ... or not. You need to do something about THAT ... find out if its true and fix it, or find out it is not true and quit believing it. This is about you.