I got up this morning, was so tired lastnight I just came home and went to bed.  I haven't spent the last five or so years ago celebrating Christmas with family becuase of the domestic violence (toward me). The last time I had Christmas with my family I risked getting physically attacked again. Police have been involved.  I ran out of there when my brother started in on one of his rages and tirades on Christmas Eve and was out of there ASAP. Literally ran out the front door and just didn't come back. 

Luckily, I have had some friends over the last several years who have taken me in so to speak and their door has always been open for the holidays. I don't think that's the case this year, for reasons I am not sure of. They have a lot of damage to their house, which is under construction, and are currently going through some health problems (my house is actually under construction too) and usually by this point in time they have invited me. The relationship has been a little strained, at least from my end, because at least one of their friends has been totally obsessed with me. It's ridiculous. These people are my parents' age, as is this man, and the whole thing is out of whack. It could be part of the reason I have not heard of invitation, as even they are made to feel awkward and uncomfortable about how gaga he and this other man get when I am over there. It's weird.

So, what to do? I kinda figure unless I plan something, the whole holiday is going to come and go and I will be sitting here, alone, the weekend of Christmas, which I really, really don't like.  I got up this morning and called my friend and asked her if she thinks people will be around on the 23rd, I thought of having a potluck. I can't say whether people will be in town, but at least it's an attempt at doing something. I thought I would get a small tree, I have a small house, and just have a few people over. It would make the whole thing a whole lot less depressing than this already is. There also is a concert I would like to go to a few days before Christmas, this Celtic thing.

That's really all I am thinking. I feel down on myself and beating up on myself, becuase I haven't found a partner and had kids, and I feel as though if I did, this would not be an issue. Perhaps. But the fact is I am not in a relationship at this current time and nothing serious has panned out. I don't particularly care for my single status, but that is where it's at for the moment. I feel like a loser and reject, forgotten. I usually have an invitation to look forward to so it makes holidays livable, but this time that isn't the case. 

That's what's on my mind today.