Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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Anna1212 02/25/2017

mom tripped me tonight with her walker. i fell all the way to the ground and reinjured my bad knee. one of my cats is sick. taking care of my mother is like taking care of a 2 year old. i am filled with rage almost every single minute of every day. she won't leave me the fuck alone. and now she trips me. it was actually one of her fucking tote bags hanging off her walker that had one side hanging down with the loop out. she is the most lazy fucking passive dependent person. all she does is take take take. and my fucking siblings sit back and do next to nothing. the only way out of this is my death. i beg her every night to let me go to sleep by 9:30 p.m. but she won't do it. she hangs around doing nothing keeping me up and then wakes me up in the morning. i am going out of my fucking mind. i cannot believe how selfish she is. i have told her over and over again the things i need which is 8 hours sleep and maybe an hour or two to myself in the main part of the house but no! she can't do that. i am spending thousands of dollars on her food and bills and endless shit because she has no money at all. i have no money so it is all going on credit. she is a fucking leech. i am trapped. and now my cat is sick because of her and i can't take care of the cat because she is scaring the cat and i have begged her to go to her room for a half an hour even so i can take care of this shy, semi wild cat and she won't do it. she is in the kitchen right now fucking around. i am going to have to tell her to leave again. i had to throw out the dinner i made her because she left it out and the cats got into it. every night when i go to bed i pray that i will die and every morning when i wake up i pray that i will pass away peacefully before i have to get up. i think about death all the time as a way out of this hell. every morning i wake up, my guts are twisted in knots with fear and dread. i just imagine getting a rope and hanging myself in the basement. i skip the dying part but afterward, i imagain hanging there quiety and even though is sounds horrible, this image of myself hanging there brings me such peace that my whole body just relaxes. it's the only thing that can calm me down. the only thing. my guts unwind and i just picture this and pray for an end. i would like to die peacefully, even though i don't deserve it. but that's what i would like. to pass away into some kind of peace. to get away from this hellish torment, suffering, extreme hardships and pain every day. what is hurting me the most right now is my little cat, sitting under the couch. i have had her 16 plus years. she is my family. i was going to take her to the vet today but i was too exhausted. i had to cancel. she can't be handled anyway, so i doubt there is much that can be done for her medically. please please please don't give me veterinary/medical advice. you have no idea what i have been through with cats and the extent of my knowledge in that department. the vets kiddingly refer to me as "doctor". i'm just not up for a fucking lecture on taking care of cats right now. i'm sorry to be so harsh in this post but this is how i am feeling. the world deals me with in an extremetly harsh way, so i react, i am affected, i am super sensitive anyway. i love animals sooooo fucking much more than people. me being born, big fucking mistake.

Heidiclark 02/25/2017

Why do you have to be the one to take care of your mom? Why can't she go to a nursing home?

Gladdmatt 02/25/2017

I have the same question: why are you the one who has to take care of your mom and put up with this? Are there no alternatives? If money is an issue for a nursing home, reach out to social services. If there are other relatives who could help but are doing nothing, tell them you're at the end of your rope and literally wish you were dead. But there has to be some other possibility here. Sometimes people stay in bad situations because they've gotten "used" to them, and lose perspective that there are other possibilities. I know all about wanting to die in my sleep, etc. as I have spent a fair portion of my life feeling this way. And given the situation you describe, it is not hard to see why you would feel like this. It sounds like you will never have any peace and serenity in your life as long as your situation stays the same. It's not you, it's the situation that has to change. I'll pray for you that something changes.

noone 02/25/2017

don't feel sorry for how you feel. deep down we all have similar thoughts and it's hard to bottle them up. we are all here to listen and give advice.

Debbalina 02/25/2017

Wow. Im really sorry your going through all this. Mom sounds like a nightmare. I totally relate to how the thought of suicide can be such a relief. But you really need to be there for your kitty. I wish she was doing better. I wish YOU were doing better. Sending hugs to you my friend.

bridgie101 02/25/2017

I think you've got tunnel vision. You've endured the locked in dynamic with your mother so long you don't know you can smash it with a word.

We all do have to smash that dynamic. Mothers are tyrants until the day we smash their chains and say 'enough.'.

If she's living off you, she has to obey you. Or you can go. I recommend going. She's a big girl now, she can live within her means, you can live within your means, everyone happy ever after.

You seriously need to start being assertive. "I am GOING TO BED NOW GOODNIGHT." Big kiss, walk away, go to the toilet. Clean teeth, walk, shut door. Lock door if necessary. put on headphones and listen to ogmocz angelmaker if you like. But draw the line.

Depression comes from powerlessness. And power? Power is a thing perceived. Power doesn't exist on its own, but only in the eyes of its victims.

In short: you are believing you cannot do things that you can easily, easily do. And for as long as you don't believe you can do them (for some social conditioning type rule) you consider self-destruction as your only logical alternative.

Change the social conditioning ruleset and retrieve your lost power. Then tell mum to pull her head in. And if she starts to have a go at you then blast HER. Shout at HER. Tell her all those things it's high time she heard. Blow that steam right back at her. Blast her ears back with your rage. If you do not complain you teach her what is acceptable to you. She has no reason not to believe you are accepting of her, because you actually accept her behaviour. You don't stop it from happening. You don't pile up her dirty dishes and put them on her bed.

If she's taught you to endure by being the most escalatory person around, and escalating until you're panicked, then don't do this. Just pack your stuff and go. Get the hell out, because that sort of person will bring things to blows, and then call the cops on you and wail a fantastic story where she's the victim. That person? RUN FOR THE HILLS and don't look back.

But it's time for you to cut those apron strings anyway. Well time. You're a grown woman. Leave home, live your way. Take your cat and get the hell out.

Anna1212 02/25/2017

Hi everybody, thank you for writing. once again I posted in a very emotional state and my words were pretty harsh and ugly. I apologize for all the cussing. this actually has only been going on a couple of months, us living together after she had her stroke. she's with me now and her home is in a different state but she shouldn't be alone anymore so we are trying to work it out. i have two sibling who are very minimally involved. it is very hard to live with her but she doesn't want to go to assisted living or a nursing home, she would just rather go home and live by herself in a house with stairs and no friend or relative around for 500 miles. I don't feel comfortable with this because I don't feel it's safe. anyway, we are trying to work it out but my mother for all her good points has some qualities that are extremely hard to deal with. we may wind up not living together but I don't know what will happen to her. there is no money for assisted living or a nursing home. i don't know anything about financial help in those situations and she didn't plan for her future. anyway, I am just unhappy. I am tired of being sooo responsible, the most responsible one in the family and probably the poorest. I haven't even seen my mom for 10 years prior to this last couple of months although we talked on the phone a lot. anyway, I just wanted to clarify some points. maybe I am an awful person, I am almost constantly filled with rage. my cat is eating a little but still under the couch. I also feel bad about saying I know it all about cat medical stuff. I don't of course, but she's old and I've learned over the years that sometimes just taking the best care of them you can at home is the kindest thing to do for elderly animals rather than putting them through a bunch of test and meds that usually don't work that well anyway. I don't know. I think she either has some kind of inflammatory bowel disease or kidney disease or both and she's not tame enough for the treatments. she won't tolerate an iv or even a subq or any kind of meds that have to be administered. she's hanging in there though and she seems comfortable. I just spent all day running around town buying stuff for her and i am going to leave my room and face mom sitting in the dining room. my sister lives about half an hour away with her husband in a nice house but they won't let her stay there at all. that would be a good compromise if i got her for one week and my sister got her for another week and we traded off like that. that would take off a lot of the pressure. but she won't do it. i'm just so very tired.

Anna1212 02/25/2017

that's really good advice. thank you so much.

TooMuch 02/25/2017

hugs. that sounds like a really difficult situation and I'm sorry you are faced with it.

I think you deserve what you need in order to keep it together. If you need more sleep then that is something you need and your mom is going to have to learn to live with it.

I imagine if you check with social services you would be able to arrange for some in home care for your mom, at least occasionally so that you can get some time to yourself. It all sounds really overwhelming and I feel for you. I also think you need to confront your siblings and tell them they need to start contributing in a meaningful way. Maybe your mom living with them would be too much, but taking her for a certain number of hours a week to give you some time is in no way unreasonable. And they should be helping you out with expenses I think too.

sunandbutterflies 03/05/2017

I am so sorry to hear that things are so overwhelming for you right now. I was just reading an article about how most caregivers who provide more than 21 hrs of care are likely to suffer from depression. know that I have faced some pretty overwhelming days helping take care of my grandparents.

I know that we are doing better at utilizing resources that are available in our community to help my grandparents. Perhaps that would be helpful for you as well? Like Too Much said, social services (or senior services) might be able to help. Asking for help is pretty important too...

Praying that you have the wisdom and strength needed for this situation.

prettybig 03/05/2017

I am a health care assistant for the elderly in nz
Their are things you can get to make life easier for both of you

Surely there is some senior services and support you can use?

soulsearcher83 03/05/2017

Send her home. Now. Before she gets there, get her set up with a home health aide service, food stamps, Medicaid and SSI or SSD . The only other option is to drive her to your siblings house, knock on the door and run before they open it and drive away. This is complete bullshit. My mother is well on her way to being just like yours. I am reading a post I may write in the future . The only difference is she has enough resources and assistance with her benefits and her medical and I have absolutely no problem putting her in a nursing home or assisted living center when the time comes , even if she isn't 60 yet. Unbelievable that your siblings are such complete assholes . Drop her off at their house and run . Lock your door put the couch in front of it go to your room and relax for one night. Let them deal with her just for a little while. Then when you're relaxing in your home, decide if she's either going to head back home and get homecare or stay with another sibling. She should not be in your house at all. This may sound like sarcasm but I am being 100% sincere. Get her the hell out of your house now. You are not a martyr. If you continue to accept this, if you continue to not hold her or your siblings accountable, if you don't apply for her assistance your mother needs to live on her own, you choose the fate. And then everybody ends up burying you before her. That's not the outcome anybody wants, especially you. I know what it's like to have a soul sucking vampire for a mother. If my father goes first , she goes to the home and she doesn't even look like she's old enough to go but I will not tolerate somebody who is unwilling but still able to do things. Actually, my father and I already have a deal. She has to go first. I said I'm gonna resurrect you if you don't go second . But if in reality, he goes first, she's out . I'm done, retired, just done. I am physically disabled myself . She is healthier than I am and I am taking care of her as if she is a child and she is a woman who is in her mid 50s. I am disgusted by my own situation and I read yours and I am just even more disgusted because you and I are stuck in a crappy situation. But you have a home and you have resources. Take advantage of them. Do the things that you know you need to do. Contact social services, welfare and Social Security and home health . Get her home with a home health aide or into an assisted living facility that should be paid for by medical from the state government. Or continue to live this existence which will not end until she dies. You don't know how long that will be. You will have to make the ultimate decision about what you are willing to endure. I highly recommend my first choice that you drop her off at your siblings and run . And then come back here on this post, reread everything I wrote and then do it the very next day . But first, take a night . Just one night to yourself . You and your cat . Watch your favorite movie, TV show, listen to your favorite music . Do what you would normally do if your mother was not there and enjoy it .

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