I Feel so much anger and sadness, I want to cry but I can’t anymore, well sometimes. I mostly feel hurt and I... I don’t know. As I’m writing this I feel the tears but I can’t seem to really cry the pain away. I have no idea where this is coming from, maybe bcs I feel alone in a city where almost none of my friends live, the guy I used to like (now a ‘friend’ ignores me and only calls when he wants something. Maybe school, exams, wanting to doing things beside school and work to find my true talent but just can’t... All I know is that I have lost hope and I’m sad bcs I’m too afraid to ask for prayer from my pastor, I’m even to sad and embarrassed to pray myself.
I am about to go out to the yearly Christmas Party in our little neighborhood. I am 60+ days into my sobriety and I am sure I won't drink tonight but, bygosh, I REALLY want to. It is like two opposong forces. A strong commitment not to drink and the lust for a flask full of tequila. I keep having this little talk with myself "awe come on just a few won't hurt" but I know better. It might be...
I'm done. This is it for me. The only one who loved me lied. About everything. They lied and abandoned me. I'm hurt and broken. I'm done. I need to cut. Slit my wrists.