Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
i think about dying often. and it's so stupid because on the surface i have such a wonderful life. my "boyfriend" was homeless for several months, nothing went his way at all during those few months. he was constantly complaining, stressed and angry at me. i tried to sympathize and make him feel better but every time i try to help he says i just make things worse. i tried talking to him about my problems, but every time i mentioned how a customer treated me really badly or how my work was beginning to suck the life out of me, he got extremely pissed off and yelled at me for daring to complain about my problems when his life is always going to be worse than mine. his problems have always been more valid than mine.
finally he found a cheap room for rent, signed the papers, and begged me to give him money. he is insane, and i knew if i said no the fight that would come from it would be worse than missing out on two weeks worth of my paychecks. so i gave him the money, he's not homeless anymore. i thought things would get better with us if i did that, but no. it's actually gotten worse. he barely makes an effort to see me anymore, and he refuses to let me come over and see the room i helped him buy. he won't even give me the address. we haven't had sex in over a month now and we're both talking to other people. idk why neither of us can bring ourselves to break up, but it's obvious that it should happen.
i recently tried telling him that i think about dying almost all day now. everything is just getting to me and i can't go on much longer with all this shit. i hate everything that i'm doing in my life. none of it makes me happy or makes me feel like there's hope for the future. i feel like i'm going to feel this way forever and i'm never going to find a reason to keep going.
he told me to shut the fuck up and get over myself. that i have a wonderful life and all i do is complain about it. i'm starting to realize that no matter how hard i try or how much i do for him, you can never buy someone's emotional support. i doubt he ever even cared about me to begin with.
i have so much anxiety surrounding my job. i work at a shitty grocery store where they don't train you to do shit. i also go to college four days a week. we recently got a new manager and he's been scheduling me for 8 hour shifts friday, saturday, and sunday every week. so i have to go to school and feel drained and tired and stressed, then during the ENTIRE weekend i feel drained and tired and stressed and NOT AT ALL ready for the upcoming school week. it's become this continuous cycle and i wish i had the balls to off myself and escape it. my new boss is extremely bossy and a complete prick, so i feel like if i bring it up he's just going to start scheduling me the minumum amount of hours each week as "revenge" for criticizing him. i need the money badly, but it's honestly not even worth it anymore. i hate everything about working in that hellhole. recently customers have been extremely rude to me, calling me stupid to my face and trying to get me in trouble. i have to deal with the stupidest and the rudest of the general public. not to mention the most disgusting people. i constantly have to clean up other people's shit (no, literally their SHIT) in the bathroom, vomit, and even pick up women's used sanitary pads that they leave on the ground for some fucking reason??
literally the entire week i've been stressing about how i have to work tomorrow. that's how much it bothers me. it's constantly on my mind and i'm freaking out because i'd rather do anything than go there tomorrow. i hate it so much.
i also hate school. i'm currently a psychology major, but everyone tells me that's the stupidest and easiest degree and it'll get me nowhere in life. i'm not good at anything else except for art. and obviously that's more of a joke than psych. although i am really good at writing, but all the writing careers sound boring and limited. i just don't think i'm good for anything i guess, and it feels like a waste of time and energy to go to school when i don't have any idea what the fuck i'm doing.
i want to drive far away, cut everybody off, and be by myself. ideally maybe i'd find myself out there. or die in a car crash. either one sounds equally appealing.
i think i'm too much of a pussy to actually kms. i can't even cut myself anymore. but i do have a plan of how i'd want to die though. it's kinda sad but when i want to feel better sometimes i'll just imagine myself going through with it and it'll help.
nobody in my life is worthwhile to me anymore. i know that sounds terrible, but it's true. it's just not worth the pain of trying to get closer to some people who obviously don't want me around either. i try talking to people and getting to know new people but they're just more annoying than anything. i feel like i don't have anything in common with anyone anymore. i hate all my friends. most of them have hurt me badly in some way, and if i actually loved myself i would have cut them off by now. even my family hates me. they recently found out i've smoked weed and drank alcohol underage. my mom also saw a hickey on my neck, god forbid. i'm trying to eat healthy but just get mocked for it. my dad throws a fit about me taking up room in the fridge with the food i buy, but when i had teh chance to get a mini fridge he screeched at me for wanting to use up that much electricity. so no mini fridge, and now i have to play fucking sudoku with rearranging the food in the fridge every time i want to get something to eat. every time i leave the house it's a court case, because they think i'm just leaving to get high or get dick. i need to move out badly. i need my own space. i can't handle all these people and things crowding in on my life in every direction. that's why i need my shitty job so bad.
i think that also brings me full circle, to my boyfriend. most of the time, he's all i really have. i hate him so much but he's so familiar. we've built this whole life together, with inside jokes and secrets and dreams and we've accomplished so much together. i love him sometimes too. but he's so bad for me. i wish that i was strong enough to cut him off but i feel like i'd go insane without him. i tried to break up with him the other day and couldn't handle the thought of not having him. it's definitely a very dependent, manipulative, and abusive relationship.
i feel like i've fucked up my life so bad that i just need to cut everyone off and go away and start over. i really want this to end. (and i know this entire post is a fucking pity party. i know i have the ideal life for a lot of people... a job, going to school, living at home for free... but it's just not working for me. all this shit i'm working so hard to get through every day is just not worth it to me. so if you're just going to yell at me for taking my wonderful life for granted, just don't. i hate myself for it. my boyfriend hates me for it too. i've heard it.
i wish i didn't feel this way, but i honestly don't think that anything material could fix this. i think it's really an internal thing going on and the external factors of my life are just making it so much worse.)
But you shouldn't beat yourself up, especially about your boyfriend. You were trying to help him and you gave him money so he would have a place to be. Not many homeless people get that kind of kindness.
You should be proud of yourself. You had the patience of a saint while you were trying to cheer him up. You have put up with him when you felt bad. You are valid and your problems are valid. You're boyfriend is lucky to have a person like you. He shouldn't be making you feel bad about yourself.
And psychology majors can be counselors and therapists. You can be teacher in the psychology field if wanted to. Those are very useful jobs. I have a counselor for my depression and he's doing a great job. Overall, do what you believe is best for you to support yourself.
Please be patient with yourself so that one day you would be able to move out and finally have that peace of mind. Just by reading your post, you sound like a decent individual. You don't deserve any of those hardships. Please hang in there for yourself. I hope this helped
I've got a few suggestions to make:
1) Never ever loan money to anyone without a contract in place which specifies how they're going to make repayment. You can even do this for family. One thing's for sure never loan your bf money again, no matter the argument - if you do, he's got you in his power forever.
2) Your job sucks but if you can't find something better - have you tried looking (a bookshop, a thrift shop etc.) - then you need the income, and it's best not to fight with your boss. I don't know how you manage to be patient with all those horrible customers - I think you are brave and I have a high regard for people who are in the firing line like that. I lead a sheltered life myself.
3) Keep on studying and get your degree. Qualifications matter a lot in this working world. Neither the Psychology nor the art is a joke; though if I knew what I know now I'd have become an accountant or an actuarian - they make the most money! Your love for art and your talent for writing - don't let them go undernourished. Practise. If you don't neglect the things you love and your gifts, one day something big will come from them. This is muy importante! : ) If you want to be a psychologist you'll probably have to study to Masters level.
4) Perhaps you can start a little business of your own on the side: selling arts 'n crafts at a flea market?
5) Feeling 'drained and tired and stressed' is not good. Take some time to rest, even short power-naps. Google around for ideas on how to feel less drained etc. You must take care of your physical health or very soon you'll have nothing. Speaking of which: eating healthy is a very good idea though I find that it can cost a lot. All you really need are fruits and vegetables, and clean water in combination with things like pasta, rice and breads (depending on what you like). What if you cut down to the minimum on the healthy foods and drinks and put that money safely away for the day you're going to need it for your car or own place? Then when you have that independence, you can start up again and treat yourself to more healthy stuff in your own fridge! I loved the fridge-sudoku joke :D
6) Nothing lasts forever. People change jobs on average 7 times in a lifetime, or was that 9 times? One day in the future jobs are going to be no more thanks to automation and Artificial Intelligence. Also, all things change; all things pass - don't let this internal darkness ruin the good life you're going to have. It won't be easy but there are good things in store for you which you don't want to miss. So, you need to look at where this unhappiness is coming from. especially if it's something you need meds and a therapist for.
What can I say? The external stuff, from a certain point of view doesn't matter a damn! There is only one thing needful : )
I'm rooting for you! ; )
Here's a different angle. Sadness and depression are not a contest. No one - not your boyfriend, not your family - gets to tell you that you're wrong for feeling the way that you do, or that your problems don't measure up to some arbitrary bar of "real" suffering. Your boyfriend thinks he's got it worse, but guess what? He's not living under a brutal Syrian dictator. Think that'll change his perspective? Of course not. He still has valid problems, and you do too. Whipping out his valid valid problems to measure against your valid problems won't validate his or reduce yours, you know? It's just... lame. YOU are the one living your life, YOU got here from your past, and YOU are responding with the tools that YOU have. Anyone who says otherwise automatically loses all credibility.
So it's not a solution - there are probably lots of people who know you better who can offer more practical help - but you need to believe that you are perfectly justified if you're feeling overwhelmed.
If you ever need to vent, even just to a totally anonymous Internet person, my inbox is always open. I'm pulling for you!