I am drowning and the black cloud will not leave me alone. Over the last 10 years I have been bottlng up my depression.In 1999 I moved out of state with a boyfriend of 8 yrs. He was an alcoholic. Having no family and seeing how my life was going to be with a alcoholic I ended my relationship with him. A few months later I met my husband. I probably shouldn't have jumped into anything so fast, but he was perfect in every way. Being heart broken in the past I guess I never have given my whole heart. We have been married for 13 yrs and have 3 children. After we got married we moved closer to our famlies. I guess you can say I have been on auto pilot all this time. I have never felt crazy in love with my husband. I always thought it was the antidepressants making me emotionless. Off and on my husband was out of work and I took care of the family. Alot of pressure on me to care for 4 other people. during that time I had 3 misscarriages, My mom was fight pancreatic cancer, and during her final days I found out I was pregnant with my 6th baby. (she was my life saver once my mom passed). I lost my job of 13yrs, we lost our house and had to move in with the in-laws. My husband finally found us a place to live and thats when I snapped. 6 months later Everything errupted. I realized I moved away from my family to be doing the same crap I have been doing all these years. My husband wasnt working and I was taking care of everyne again. The depression set in and he didn't know how to handle it. He moved out. A friend of mine became my support system. He was a recovering drug addict(so I thought) who could relate to my depression. I opened my heart to him like I never have done before. How was I feeling these intense amazing feeling for someone . Needless to say we started seeing each other. He was the only one who could pull me out of the dark drowning state I was in. I thought it was perfect. I was getting divorced and would be happy in love. Right.. he ended up becoming addicted to Heroin, stole all my personal belonging including some of my moms jewelry to feed his habit. I ended up losing my place and had no money to take care of my 3 kids. My husband offered to help me and welcomed me to stay with him. We are trying to work on things, but the feelings and emotions are still not the same for him. I still dont have that connection or chemistry with him. Is it the depression or just me???