I mentioned in a post that my birthday is this month. I have to say I'm terrified of it. When I was growing up, birthdays weren't celebrated. No partilcaurs reason for it, but it was just another day. Maybe I'd get a "Happy Birthday," but mostly likely not. However, the fact that another year has past and it's close to the end of the year has always saddened me. Another year of failure and less time to fix it. On monday, I stayed in bed, watching tv, but mostly just thinking how I failed again this year. I crumpled up my blanket and just started crying. I'm just tired of it all, the failure, the disappointment and being unable to do anything about it.

I used to be able to fake self-confidence, but no more. I haven't even put in any applications, for I know I'll get no response. If I do, I'll fail the interview. if my some miracle I did get a job, I'd only screw it up as I always do with everything. Self-fulfilling prophecy one says? If so, why can't it work the other way? I barely have any energy, probably less if it weren't for the Pepsi, to get through the day let alone a job. There will always be someone better, everyone else. Yet, I need one for my reserve fund will be gone in 2 months.

No that it would matter. I'm a fort. One without ball or powder, but with strong walls. Walls that prevent any aid from coming inside. No joy, no happiness. They're a distant land I hear about and imagine how they are, but will never see. Instead, my companions are fear, sadness and anger. Yes, supplies are plentiful (I have food to eat and so-called entertainment), so there is pleasure if only fleeting. There might be a feast, if funds can be scapped together (I went to the buffet last week and paid in change). However, I'm open to attack with no way to respond. The walls hold, but are scarred. I survive another day, ever wary that one day that the gate maybe breached and the fort will fall. A breach I wish would happen for it would end this pain. The land would be put to better use, be fruitful and benefical, just as the world would be if I didn't take up the space. Also, no risks are taken, for that would invite further sttacks and the walls and gate might not hold.

I'll never be of any use and even if I was, call it selfish, I don't know if I would want to be as it would be of no benefit to me. The people who would will go on with their lives and forget about me or if they decide to assist, will leave when frustration at their futility overtakes them.

So, I'll go back, drink some Pepsi and try to get some more sleep. The less time I spend in the sun with all the people, the better. I don't feel like putting out a sentry. Another year I'll be dragged into despit my protest. If only "Groundhog Day" were real...........