Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
How can anyone like me if I don't like myself. I try to be reliable, compassionate, caring, loving but instead I wind up being over bearing where everyone tries to avoid me. I know for a fact that some people have even pretended to be sick so that they wouldn't have to deal with me. I feel sorry for my mother because I call her everyday to tell her about my day which is really nothing exceptional. Same ole same ole everyday - but she is the only person who will even take the mundane time to sit and listen. I have no one. Not a single friend that I would confide in. I tried that once and in time, the whole town new my business. So I cut myself off from just about everyone. I go to work. I come home and watch tv. I have no damn desire to even go and cut my grass for fear that someone will walk up to chat. I know they aren't really interested in me. They just want to borrow something or get the scoop. I say that because recently my family has been a hot topic due to a child abuse situation. My daughter and I were suspects and have been exonerated. But people are nosy and want to know what is happening. So I hunker in my house and keep to myself.
But that's even getting to me. My daughter is 17, working a full time job while attending school full time. She no longer needs me. She's at that stage that she knows everything and can do anything. We got into an argument over the weekend, because she has called out of work for the 2nd weekend in a row. Last week end she had Prom (which they knew) but she called out the next day to go the nascar race in Dover with her dad. This weekend she went to a car show with her brother and cousin. She was only going for one night and returning the next day so she could go to work. Except she decided that hanging out with her family at the car show was more important then work and she call out again without discussing it with me first. Normally I wouldn't care too much, I'd say kids will be kids. But I went out on the limb and signed for a 2016 Mazda for her. I wanted her to have a reliable and safe transportation. The agreement is that she will make the payments and we will put it in her name when she establishes credit or pays it off. The payment was due yesterday and she doesn't have the money. I'm a single mom barely making my bills. So I depend on her being responsible. So I kinda freaked out on her. I told her that I was very disappointed with her and that I'm seriously thinking about taking the keys from her for a week. I'm not proud of my self for some of the things that I said during the argument. I told her that she could pack her bags, give me the keys and go live with her dad. I told her that she was acting just like her dad, an irresponsible party person, something I tried very hard to steer her from. I know that I said a lot more, but due to anger, I can't remember everything. I just know that we ended the call she was drying up her tears that were brought on by my words. I feel horrible and I fear that she just might pack and move in with her dad. So now I question my every move as a mother, a wife, a person. Do I push every living being away. Am I a total Bitch that people can't stand. Has to be true cuz right now, I can't even stand my self.
I turn 50 this summer and honestly, I'm hoping to end my life on the day I was born. I've even started planning, someplace secluded and all by myself. I know that I'm l just upset with the moment and things will somehow work out. But right now, it simply doesn't matter. I really no longer want to be here. This is not what life is suppose to be like. There is so much more out there and I have no desire to find it.
Sorry for the blubbering - I have no one to talk to so I come here to vent.
But that's even getting to me. My daughter is 17, working a full time job while attending school full time. She no longer needs me. She's at that stage that she knows everything and can do anything. We got into an argument over the weekend, because she has called out of work for the 2nd weekend in a row. Last week end she had Prom (which they knew) but she called out the next day to go the nascar race in Dover with her dad. This weekend she went to a car show with her brother and cousin. She was only going for one night and returning the next day so she could go to work. Except she decided that hanging out with her family at the car show was more important then work and she call out again without discussing it with me first. Normally I wouldn't care too much, I'd say kids will be kids. But I went out on the limb and signed for a 2016 Mazda for her. I wanted her to have a reliable and safe transportation. The agreement is that she will make the payments and we will put it in her name when she establishes credit or pays it off. The payment was due yesterday and she doesn't have the money. I'm a single mom barely making my bills. So I depend on her being responsible. So I kinda freaked out on her. I told her that I was very disappointed with her and that I'm seriously thinking about taking the keys from her for a week. I'm not proud of my self for some of the things that I said during the argument. I told her that she could pack her bags, give me the keys and go live with her dad. I told her that she was acting just like her dad, an irresponsible party person, something I tried very hard to steer her from. I know that I said a lot more, but due to anger, I can't remember everything. I just know that we ended the call she was drying up her tears that were brought on by my words. I feel horrible and I fear that she just might pack and move in with her dad. So now I question my every move as a mother, a wife, a person. Do I push every living being away. Am I a total Bitch that people can't stand. Has to be true cuz right now, I can't even stand my self.
I turn 50 this summer and honestly, I'm hoping to end my life on the day I was born. I've even started planning, someplace secluded and all by myself. I know that I'm l just upset with the moment and things will somehow work out. But right now, it simply doesn't matter. I really no longer want to be here. This is not what life is suppose to be like. There is so much more out there and I have no desire to find it.
Sorry for the blubbering - I have no one to talk to so I come here to vent.
Mothers and daughters fight. The best you can do is apologize for any unkind words and assure her you did not mean them but are concerned for her future.
Hey, a 2016 car for a 17yr old is a pretty big deal! You probably would lose money to sell it now. I understand why you want her to have a reliable car, but she does need to understand the responsibility that goes with that, and it's her that may lose her transportation and figure something else out. At this point it sounds like she knows you will handle her responsibility for her. I know u just wanted to do right by her.
She is your daughter, she will love you regardless of argument. Manage the hurt feelings the best you can and forgive yourself.
Do u hv a therapist?
But stuff can get out of proportion and our recommendations for fixing things can too. You're tired, you're stressed, but what's tipping you over the edge today seems to boil down to this:
You bought that bloody car.
OMG What were you thinking? That was a crazy fool thing to do! Why don't you just burn the house down and be done?
:D :D :D
LOL I do understand. Wanting her safe, wanting to give her something to help her through this hard, hard year. Give her some light, some brightness. But honestly: chopping off your own foot to do it.
Bloody hell, giving a 17 yr old a brand new car. And THEN expecting money from her now that she has a flash car and wants to go places? She wants to party with this gift the magic car fairy gave her. She doesn't want to go work! LOL.
Leave her to fail the payments and they'll repossess it. That's the only way. You'll never be able to sell it for what you paid: brand new cars lose huge amounts just going out of the caryard.
Don't save her from the payments. Let her fail. The sooner they take that ghastly nightmare back the better.
You shouting at her was the tradeoff, for you paying her fee.
No shout = no bail out.
Silence is key. Forget she has a car. Forget she has a job. Leave those things to fall on the ground.
You cannot make her learn this: all you can do is fuck that up by getting in the middle of it. If you want her to learn responsibility you have to step BACK not forward, and let her fall in her own muck.
You need to be so utterly out of the situation, having remained entirely silent, that she doesn't use you as a hobby horse to blame and punish for her own failing.
So you have to step back and get the heck out of this one, and leave her to sink or swim on her own with it. She will either rise to the challenge and win your respect; or fail and learn a lesson. Neither of which will happen with you in the middle of it, saving her, berating her, trying to wake her up to the reality.
Only the reality itself can wake her up to it. Your words are only a distraction.
So keep your silence. Hold yourself. She can't learn with you defusing everything.
Your daughter needs transportation to get to work and to school and yes it's fun to be out late in a nice vehicle but taking it away would only add to her problems and to yours since you would have to be giving her rides everywhere.
But I would suggest that if your daughter does not go and live with her dad that you two sit down and talk. Apologize for the things you said and talk to her about her responsibilites as an employee at her job. Can you make an example out of her dad by using him as an example of what NOT to do?
Remind your daugheter that you bought her this car when you yourself did not have much money and that you expect her to take the responsibility for it that you both agreed on.
Keep talking until you get this worked out with her. It might take more than one meeting, but in the end it will be worth it
Its not letting the girl lose the car. It's the girl letting herself lose the car. You're just staying out of it while she does whatever she chooses to do and then lives with the consequences of her own choices.
She can go to school on a bus.
This is not worth a mother, who is constrained financially and in a giant hole, losing sleep over. 17 is well old enough to understand that no pay = no get. But if mum bails that child out now, mum will be bailing that child out forever. And no amount of words will make a blind bit of difference to it.
words are just noise. Kids just nod. They're not interested, they're not impacted. They're just waiting till you run out of steam and go away.
My DH (who's now passed) pointed it out to me that he was running over me by treating me like crap. I too was "buying" his love with video games, clothes, etc all the while he was unappreciative and I was broke. So with that being said the 2016 car you got her , if she won't make the payments I'd take it back to the dealership. She can ride the school bus and as for work I'm sure where you live they have public transportation. I was told by people we can't keep bailing them out because they'll think that's how the world works and we know that's so not true. I know from my experience I didn't want to do the tough love thing, but he was slowly killing me and I had to think of me because he's living his like now and if I would've killed myself he still would be living his life.
Please don't think about suicide, it's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Here's the number of the suicide hotline, 1-800-273-8255. Sending hugs xx
You need to shut your mouth, stay in your hole and wait out the storm!
Then...when the storm has passed..as it will...come back and read all the replies to your post...and listen to the one that says to let your daughter fall...let her lose the car...SHUT UP and SUCK IT UP...
You bought her the car now you BOTH have to deal with the repurcussions...you BOTH have to deal with the consequences of BOTH of your decisions...good, bad, or ugly!!!....
And stop saying nasty things about her dad...that's her DAD whether you like him or not...as a matter of fact, it's your fault HE is her dad...that was your choice!!!...now deal with it...but don't degrade him to her...that is the worse thing you can do!!!
As for the suicide...well...I know how you feel...I want to end it all too...and I no longer think that it is a selfish desire...It actually takes a lot of courage to commit suicide...courage which most people and I certainly don't have...so as another 'friend' here on DS told me, ..."just wait till tomorrow. Life is short, might as well finish the journey."
Good Luck
-DS-
Yes I screwed up by purchasing a car for my daughter. Yes I feel extremely guilty for yelling at her for letting "me" down by making a bad choice. And now I'm blubbering again because I feel like I need to justify my self to total strangers.
Feeling like I can't win right about now. Dammed if I do and dammed if I don't.
All I want is to wrap my arms around her and let her know I'll always be here for her, but that's the last thing she wants right now.
If she doesn't, you HAVE TO .. if you HAVE TO, you drive/own/enjoy the car ... YOU ARE PAYING FOR IT.
If she wants it, she HAS to make the pmts.
NEVER sign for someone else .. NEVER loan money, TRY to never BORROW money.
It hardly EVER works out.
but somehow we get all invested in it. When we say they can have it, we raise all the things that could go wrong. "oh no," they say. "that won't happen!" We have to remember they said it. We have to remember to let them fail. They have the information. They can make the choices whose consequences they prefer. We can DEEM them to be making the choice whose consequences they prefer.
I think anxiety creates an incredible sense of responsibility. Responsibility for everything going right. And this creates terrible pressure.
When you let go of having to make sure everything turns out well, you can relax. Let other people mess up alone, without you trying to save them.
You're a solo mother of a teenaged daughter. So am I. It's hard work and you go to weird places you'd never go if you were not a solo mum.
Give it all three days. you're not in the dog box. You were the mother, not the daughter. If you've said things she doesn't like, well she can just suck that up.
Don't let yourself get the guilts every time you go hard line on that kid. Don't let her being in a pet make you feel like you did wrong. You're doing a great job, and you're doing the best you can.
Now go have some chocolate. You're a great mum. She doesn't know how lucky she is.