u know those things that pass thru the thought process from time to time. That make you stop and think. What exactly am I thinking and why am I thinking it? Those same thoughts when put into words can cause the heart rate to quicken of all who read them. Those thoughts and those words. Can cause an avalanche of emotions. And an opening of souls.
I am stuck on suicidal thoughts. Not that I believe it is on my agenda for today. But maybe more because I feel I am so often being pulled in that direction.
I have had many thoughts of suicide in my life time. I have made several attempts. Obviously half assed ones. Or I wouldn't be typing this now. But today I find myself thinking about how many ways there are for a person to end their life. Followed by why, why is it one chooses the means that they choose? What makes Joe put a bullet in his head and Sue take a handful of pills. While Jonny is jumping from a local bridge and Cindy is standing on the tracks. And the list goes on and on. What makes the difference?
I am always confused by the responses to these discussions. I think there are those who think that when a person is concidering suicide. They are doing it with a logical and reasonal brain. There fore they should be able to talk some sence into them selves and prevent the end from happening. I think the problem with that is that their logic is distorted.
I think that there are those who think a person who kills them self is so far out of their minds, that it is some big mistake that it even happened. And who knows, maybe.....
I had a half brother who when 24 yrs. Got up one morning 20 yrs. ago. Took a shower, shaved, fixed up his hair, fully dressed in a 3 piece suit. Sat down and read the morning paper. Ate his eggs and drank his coffee. Gave his girlfriend a kiss on the forehead and told her to have a good day. I love you and I'll see you later. Walked out the door and jumped in his car. With one leg still outside the car, he pulled out a gun and blew off his head.
To this day. No one knows why. There was nothing out there in the open and no red flags were noticed. No conversations, no phone calls or messagers that led anyone to believe there was something wrong. He was as sane and as kind and as giving as they come. But for some reason on that morning in that car. He decided that whatever pain he was feeling was far greater and more powerful then any hope or will or wanting or needing he was experiencing.
I personally think that he prepared himself for his funeral. The three piece suit his Sunday best. Never worn to work. I think he innocently thought they would remove him from the car and lay him in a casket. I think he thought he would be all neat and in order and ready to go.
I think by thinking about this. That I have come to the conclusion. That with all many ways he could have taken his life, why didn't he choose to fix himself up and go lay down on a clean bed and take a handful of pills and go out as neatly as he had made himself.
Because he would have also given himself the opportunity to change his mind. He avoided a last minute decission change.
So when I look back and I think about why I am still here and typing this out. I realize my failed attempts were simpley the wrong method. I kept giving myself an opportunity to change my mind.Yo