Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Today has been a lovely day. It was Davids birthday and everyone has gone to bed tonight, content and happy with their day. So why have I just spent the past hour crying? Why as I lay down in bed to go to sleep does the thought of suicide enter my head. Not just the thought but an overwhelming desire to just end it here and now. Like it would be the perfect ending. I know what Id do, I know how, so just do it. It feels like its the right time. Ive watched and been involved in a day where Mum and David have been happy and enjoyed themselves. Ive loved seeing it. Seeing them happy. Seeing Mum happy. I know shed be looked after.
Ive text Christopher tonight, hes happy too. Hes had a good day at work but we did miss him today. Its not the same when hes not there for a family celebration, but well be seeing him tomorrow, hes getting an award from the University. Hell be ok too, hes got his life sorted now. Settled in a job and a his own place. No doubt hell meet someone and settle down with his own family. Hell be ok.
So just do it
Its really hard to write this and not follow my head. Its like its screaming at me, What the fuck are you doing typing all this shit when you know what you want to do!? Just do it!
But Im not, I dont know why Im not. But Im just typing instead. I know why I want to go with itbut not why I decided to do this instead. Maybe because I want someone to understand what its like at times like these. So that if even if after trying to type out the feelings, I go ahead with it anyway, someone might read this and at least know why.
It doesnt matter how many times Mark tells me I can have the life I want, when I feel the way I do now. I cant see it. I cant believe it. When he says it I want to believe him, but a part of me just still feels he doesnt understand enough and that if he did, maybe he wouldnt think that way anymore.
I see everyone around me, Mum, David, Christopher and Mark build their hopes every time I start to do better. Start to seem to fight harder. But the truth is, when everything collapses around me like this. I havent stopped fighting. It just becomes too big to fight anymore. Every time I get so far, I get knocked back. I cant keep being knocked back. I cant keep on having to deal with these thoughts and feelings I get. I dont want to. And so every time their hopes are built, I have to see the disappointment again when I cant keep it going anymore.
I dont want this life anymore. I was asked If when you get to those pearly gates what would you rather have done, loved and lost or never loved at all? But I would rather never have loved at all. I would rather a certainty. An end now, after a good day and to be able to believe that my family is happy enough to carry on without me. Rather that than spend the rest of my life in the constant fear I do now. Because thats what it is. Constant fear. Im forever listening out for the first raised voice predicting an argument, waiting for the next upset in the family, on edge for how long Mums good mood will last before she has a bad day. Its a never ending list that I dont want to get through. And as my life goes on the list will get longer. Lots of people say to me, youre only 22, youre so young, youve got loads of time to get the life you want. But I dont see it as a good thing. I think, Im only 22! Ive got a whole life like this to get through.
If my family were to agree that if I wanted to, I could just take a drug that would kill me I would do it without hesitation. So what does that say? Does it say how unhappy I am? That I would rather that, than try and live through this in hope of better things? I honestly dont know how many times I can be in this position, questioning whether to die or not and keep coming back from it.
I dont think I can put anything else into words now. I doubt that I will have been able to explain these thoughts and feelings any better than I have before. What else can I say? When all it really comes down to, is that I dont want to live anymore. I want an end to this life. So why have therapy? Id hoped that something might come out of it. That it would have helped me change this way of thinking. I dont know exactly what I was hoping for, I know there is no magic cure. I know no one else can do it for me. I think maybe I just wanted someone to understand and to feel understood. Thought that maybe just sharing the burden would ease it. That maybe talking these thoughts and feelings through would allow me to see through them and so weaken their hold over me. But now as I sit here after another episode of just wanting nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up, I dont hope for this anymore. I dont believe things will change. Ive really wanted to believe at times, but I just cant now. Theres only so many times I can cope with the fall backs. The wife with the unfaithful husband will only give so many chances before they simply cant trust them anymore. How many times can you ask me to put trust in something that just isnt working. I think therapy now has just become something I find comforting. Its nice to have someone to share these horrible times with who wont look at me with horror and think the worst of me. To have someone who appears to give a shit and does actually want to help. But again I feel guilty because in allowing myself to get close to someone else, its another person Im going to hurt. Which then just makes me want to run. But then Ill feel even more alone.
and so I dont know what to do. Still here, still crying and
Ive text Christopher tonight, hes happy too. Hes had a good day at work but we did miss him today. Its not the same when hes not there for a family celebration, but well be seeing him tomorrow, hes getting an award from the University. Hell be ok too, hes got his life sorted now. Settled in a job and a his own place. No doubt hell meet someone and settle down with his own family. Hell be ok.
So just do it
Its really hard to write this and not follow my head. Its like its screaming at me, What the fuck are you doing typing all this shit when you know what you want to do!? Just do it!
But Im not, I dont know why Im not. But Im just typing instead. I know why I want to go with itbut not why I decided to do this instead. Maybe because I want someone to understand what its like at times like these. So that if even if after trying to type out the feelings, I go ahead with it anyway, someone might read this and at least know why.
It doesnt matter how many times Mark tells me I can have the life I want, when I feel the way I do now. I cant see it. I cant believe it. When he says it I want to believe him, but a part of me just still feels he doesnt understand enough and that if he did, maybe he wouldnt think that way anymore.
I see everyone around me, Mum, David, Christopher and Mark build their hopes every time I start to do better. Start to seem to fight harder. But the truth is, when everything collapses around me like this. I havent stopped fighting. It just becomes too big to fight anymore. Every time I get so far, I get knocked back. I cant keep being knocked back. I cant keep on having to deal with these thoughts and feelings I get. I dont want to. And so every time their hopes are built, I have to see the disappointment again when I cant keep it going anymore.
I dont want this life anymore. I was asked If when you get to those pearly gates what would you rather have done, loved and lost or never loved at all? But I would rather never have loved at all. I would rather a certainty. An end now, after a good day and to be able to believe that my family is happy enough to carry on without me. Rather that than spend the rest of my life in the constant fear I do now. Because thats what it is. Constant fear. Im forever listening out for the first raised voice predicting an argument, waiting for the next upset in the family, on edge for how long Mums good mood will last before she has a bad day. Its a never ending list that I dont want to get through. And as my life goes on the list will get longer. Lots of people say to me, youre only 22, youre so young, youve got loads of time to get the life you want. But I dont see it as a good thing. I think, Im only 22! Ive got a whole life like this to get through.
If my family were to agree that if I wanted to, I could just take a drug that would kill me I would do it without hesitation. So what does that say? Does it say how unhappy I am? That I would rather that, than try and live through this in hope of better things? I honestly dont know how many times I can be in this position, questioning whether to die or not and keep coming back from it.
I dont think I can put anything else into words now. I doubt that I will have been able to explain these thoughts and feelings any better than I have before. What else can I say? When all it really comes down to, is that I dont want to live anymore. I want an end to this life. So why have therapy? Id hoped that something might come out of it. That it would have helped me change this way of thinking. I dont know exactly what I was hoping for, I know there is no magic cure. I know no one else can do it for me. I think maybe I just wanted someone to understand and to feel understood. Thought that maybe just sharing the burden would ease it. That maybe talking these thoughts and feelings through would allow me to see through them and so weaken their hold over me. But now as I sit here after another episode of just wanting nothing more than to go to sleep and never wake up, I dont hope for this anymore. I dont believe things will change. Ive really wanted to believe at times, but I just cant now. Theres only so many times I can cope with the fall backs. The wife with the unfaithful husband will only give so many chances before they simply cant trust them anymore. How many times can you ask me to put trust in something that just isnt working. I think therapy now has just become something I find comforting. Its nice to have someone to share these horrible times with who wont look at me with horror and think the worst of me. To have someone who appears to give a shit and does actually want to help. But again I feel guilty because in allowing myself to get close to someone else, its another person Im going to hurt. Which then just makes me want to run. But then Ill feel even more alone.
and so I dont know what to do. Still here, still crying and
Barb
I urge you to pursue this and get some relief and a proper outlook on life. It will be very worthwhile.
When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,
When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on
Don't let yourself go, 'cause everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes
Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along
When your day is night alone, (hold on, hold on)
If you feel like letting go, (hold on)
When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on
'Cause everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends
Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand
If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone
If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,
When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on
Well, everybody hurts sometimes,
Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes
And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on
Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on
Everybody hurts. You are not alone
Taking your life will destroy the live's of your loved-ones, even though you think they will be okay, they won't.
Please try to hold on!
I know you hurt. It oozes from your every word. But I can also see a resilience in you, a fighter. A tired fighter, but a fighter. An angel with tattered wings.
A quote for you:
"Drumsound rises on the air, it's throb, my heart. A voice inside the beat says, 'I know you are tired, but come. This is the way." ~Rumi
Deep breaths, feel your heart beating. This, too, shall pass, and for now, do what you need to to get through the night.
By the way, I see that you are a veterinary nurse. I hope to work in the veterinary field someday. I take much strength from my animals. Have you seen Surprised Kitty on YouTube? Surprised Kitty reminds me that there are crazy little creatures like that out there that I can help.
Cry it all out, and sleep if you can.