i am one of those silent sufferer kind of people. aside from a brief stint with a shrink as a teenager, i've never done any form of therapy or counseling. and i'm damn good at faking it and hiding everything that's going on inside. even my shrink back then said maybe i had a wee bit of seasonal depression and told me to take vitamin d and spend more time outside, but that basically i was just misunderstood and eccentric, not depressed...which is exactly what i wanted him to think.

i do this sweep it all under the rug and pretend everything is fine thing. i don't cry, i don't let anyone see any form of weakness or suffering whatsoever in me. i am always happy and laughing and smiling and yey! but a lot of the time it's fake...just the mask i wear for the world. when i come home and no one else i around i just go to bed and sleep because i'm exhausted from the pretending and i don't want anything to do with anything anymore. i THINK about suicide on a regular basis, but it's just thinking...just the rudimentary thoughts of i'd like to be dead and not have to be miserable anymore. but it's not something i'd actually do because i know how devistated my family would be, my husband.

maybe it's partly stigma associated with depression which makes me hide it so well and so diligently, but i think the greater part of it is i hide 90% of myself from the world...i'm a mystery to everyone so why would i show them this? i can do it on a computer screen...seperated by anonymity and indistinguisable distances...but in real life i have to appear to be towing the line, pulling the weight, and on-task at all times.

this farce is exhausting. i'm miserable in so many ways. hiding from everyone makes a person irrefutably alone.