Love is interesting isn't it. So great when you have it and so terrible when it's gone. Sometimes I feel like love is the worst tease of all. Even when you get lucky and have a marriage for 50+ years you have to live with the heartache of losing them. The pain can be unbearable. Friends come and go. That's life. However, family will never stop trying or loving you even though it feels that way. They could be in a "tough love" stage or something. Who knows. Don't run from your problems. Tackle them one at a time. Each day at a time. I know the pain you feel and it seems never ending. It will end. You will feel better. You will repair the relationship with family and friends. You will find a new job. Move on from the ex and his abuse. Find love in other places. Go to church and join a class. I'm not ultra religious but you would be amazed how those classes are filled with people searching for love and companionship. It is all types ( young, old, married, single, widowed). Very comforting. Put the suicide talk away, you've just hit a rough patch. Each day after today will be better. Try a church group, you will be amazed at the love and acceptance.

There is no shame in checking yourself into a hospital if you are suicidal. Any psych professional would recommend it if you are at the edge and about to follow through. It's a safe place to talk. And because you are highly educated, you might even find yourself helping others while you are there.

Abuse can be addictive to some because we know nothing else. I saw the crap my dad to my mom and me and decided to never stick with anyone who would hurt me. I have a low tolerance for anyone who treats me poorly. So in that regard, on on the other side of the spectrum from you. It's ok to be alone and single. It's ok to take this time to get well so you can make a wise choice in the future about what kind of guy you want in my life. I'm avoiding dating because I know I'm too vulnurable right now.

First thing's first: you need to seek help from a medical professional. Whether that be an inpatient or outpatient program.

Think about those friends you used to have. Did they disappear because of your relationship with your abusive boyfriend and couldn't be around that? Or maybe time and life just got in the way. He's gone now. Keep it that way. Reach out to a few of them, the ones you think are the most compassionate and understanding.

I didn't realize I could check myself into a hospital years ago and asked my therapist to check me in. I insisted on it even though he didn't think I needed it but I knew how close I was to suicide.

Get help. Get stable. And then find a new job. The right one will be waiting for you. It's hard to believe that now but I still believe, even though I currently can't work, I'll find the right one again when I can.

BCat had some good ideas. Not sure how religious you are but perhaps a non-denominational church with a variety of types of people would be good. Also meetup.com is good for finding new friends.

Two hotline numbers are 1-800-784-2433 and 1-800-273-8255. Maybe start there to get some advice. To my knowledge, they are 24/7.

Hugs. I agree that some time in hospital would maybe not be terrible, and neither would moving across the world, not to disappear but to have new experiences. I'm so sorry you are feeling so low right now.

So what's wrong with moving across the earth and disappearing? I did that... kinda. Well, is 1000 miles across the earth? :D

Best thing for me. Nothing quite as refreshing and invigorating and reality infusing. When it's just you and the world, it's SERIOUSLY real. Depression just becomes a nice to have. You can't afford it.

So get out there and bugger off. Go pick grapes or onions or something on a farm. Go wooffing around the world. you'll meet some cool people, bonk some smelly hippies, smoke some dope and have a great time. Your mind will expand and you'll probably get tanned and fit.

You'll find you're too busy hanging out with beatniks and bohemians to even see your navel, let alone fall into it. ;)

And you may come home at the end, but it won't be the you that left that returns. And they'll respect the new you. Like my family had to with me: because I no longer cared to put up with their shit. Boy did they get a few surprises.

You are worth much more than you are feeling right now! I know it's hard, it's painful and you feel like you want to give up. But don't! So sorry for all that you have shared. Bad things do happen to good people, things do get tough and we do hit times when we feel alone and unloved and desperately lonely. We all want to love and be loved. But contacting someone who was abusive will only deepen these feelings. The suggestion to reach out at a church is a good one; they have a lot of experience in helping those who are in pain like yourself. Talk to your doctor and find out what resources are available to you. You WILL come out on the other side of this. Until you feel more whole again, you might want to hold off on making any major life decisions like moving, etc. Reach out to your family again and let them know you want a relationship. Allow them to love you and love them back. Perhaps you can all forgive and start again. With the holidays close, we often look for restoration with our family. Do something nice for yourself each day whether it be buying yourself a flower, going out for a cup of coffee or taking a walk. Look in the mirror and tell that person you think they are special. If you don't feel some relief soon, ask your doctor about next steps. Do not give up! There is help and it is there for the asking. You can also call Social Services in your town. Love yourself and in time, there will be lots of love in your life again. You will be restored and healed. You will be in my prayers.

I think the boyfriend breakup, even though you don't see it now, is a good thing. Figuring out how to be genuinely happy on your own without the help of others is a beautiful thing. And I've had some extremely close friends with abusive relationships. I'm so glad one of my friends is making steps to get away from it. I can see her doing better as the weeks go by. But to make this short, the bad things will happen to you daily. It could be spilling a drink on your favorite shirt or getting a flat tire or almost drowning in the ocean. But the little and the big issues are nothing compared to the fact that you got to wake up another day. You got to breathe fresh air and hear the sounds of life around you. You got to see the colors of the sun coming up and the sun setting once again. It's so hard to look past the bad things in life, but I promise you that the bad will NEVER outweigh the good. We just get used to our blessings and search out the flaws. Just know each day is a good one. We just need to experience the bad to be reminded of all the good we are so lucky to have. Just keep your chin up and keep moving forward. I know it'll get better.