You can call 1-800-SUICIDE. They can talk to you & help you decide what to do about help.

I honestly don't think anybody wants to see a psych or be on meds. It's kinda like admitting that you have problems you can't handle on your own. Sometimes they are needed though so hang in there. At some point you'll find the right med or mix of meds. Then you'll feel better & be able to tackle the "demons" that bring you down.

I know it is hard but I would get help immediatly. This is an emergency. Reply #1 has a suicide number to call. My thoughts are with you. The right help and meds can help. There is hope.

Please seek help soon! Things can get better but you have to hold on another day. Come here and share all you need to in the mean time. ((hugs))

God is with you all the time, you don't have to die to be with him. You do have to have faith in him, which means hanging on. Like others have said get help immediately, you CAN get through this!

I am praying you are hanging in there...I am waiting for my meds to kick in & just a couple of hours ago I felt exactly the same-I got on the crisis for the first time & I couldn't write anything-I read your post & YOU HELPED ME just by writing...please hang in there!!!! You are not alone!

Life can get so hard, that sometimes we want to run to where we think there will be no pain
Is this so crazy? No. But stay awhile and maybe it will change. Many times when I've felt the way you do, I look back and say "Thank God I hung in there--I know your pain and desperation are real
You will be fine. Is there someone you can call?
Talk to God in your heart---Your words will be heard somewhere in the universe. Trust in yourself and life.
And, do reach out for help....It's out there someplace.
People here care and want you to feel safer and to stay with us.

I agree that you should pray as much as possible. The meds may be causing this recent onslaught of intense feelings about being with God. I would humbly suggest you call your doctor as soon as you possibly can. The thing that stuck out for me is that you had not had this intensity before the Abilify and now you do.
I had always judged myself harshly about needing a psychiatrist as well. I don't want to be broken. However, in my mind now I see no logic in judging someone with Chrons or Asthma- so why do that to myself? So many people need help at sometime or another and what I can tell you with certainty is that you will be able to help others like no one else.
Pray your favorite prayer until you feel grounded. With all your heart pray to Jesus and ask him to comfort you until things smooth out. Replace the bad thoughts with prayer and then your mind will be prepared always to go to prayer instead of darkness.
Yes, there is always hope and we will be standing by.