I'm sorry to be a bummer on Christmas.  Merry Christmas to everyone!  I am just feeling very sad.  My family (human and cat) are aging, they are very old.  My 20 year old cat seems not to be feeling as well as usual today.  I know he has kidney disease but he's been doing ok with it for quite awhile.  I gave him some fluid and his meds and now he's under the couch by the heater.

My dad gave me a really nice personal gift.  We have had a rocky time of it thanks to his abuse in my childhood, etc. but the gift touched me. It's personal and homemade and very special.  He lives far away.  My mom is not with me today because she is visiting with relatives.  I'm not getting along with my siblings and so we did not exchange cards or gifts.  Both my parents are in their 80's.

I try to stay positive but it's nearly impossible.  I am so alone and so scared of losing what little support I have.  My body is tired and breaking down.  And I am very depressed.  My attempts to make friends and get any kind of romantic relationship have failed.  I think about ending my life to stop this march into a terrifying and unbearably lonely future.

I honestly wish I had what it took to accomplish this.  I don't think I do.  I'm scared for myself.  I guess I am a weak person.  I've tried to reach out for support and the only genuine support and caring I have found is here.  My doctor knows I have suicidal thoughts and am very depressed and he does nothing about it.  He never even askes me "how are you?" when I come in.  My therapist is cold.  When I talk she stares at me like she can't wait for it to be over and that's pretty much the reaction I get from anyone I talk to in person.  After about 5 seconds their eyes glaze over and they look desperate to get away from me.

My future is so scary.  I'm not the kind of person who can be utterly alone.  It doesn't even really make sense to me.  I'm not perfect but I'm not THAT awful.  I wanted to get married and have kids.  It never happened.  I used to even pursue men I was interested in but they all rejected me.  This has been going on for decades.  They just have no interest.  

My life feels like I'm falling off a cliff and I know the end is awful but I can't stop the fall.  I wish medical people would euthanized humans for things other than terminal illness such as people whose lives are unbearable for them.  Who wake up every morning sick with fear and terror and loneliness just wishing to die.  I have thought of asking my doctor if he would help me end my life because if I do try, I don't want to botch it.  Once I tried to hang myself and failed and had a pain in the side of my neck for months after.

I think some of the things that people say are untrue such as  "It will get better" or "if you die you will hurt so many people that you leave behind" or "that's just the depression, if you go to therapy and get meds, you'll be ok again" etc.  Let me say that my experience is that it doesn't necessarily get better, it can also get worse and worse.  About the second one, I think there are many people in this world who could end their lives and no one would really care.  And as far as getting therapy and meds, that doesn't always work.

Being alone puts you at such a greater risk in life to not survive.  Look at animals in the wild.  When an animal leaves the herd or is shunned, what happens.  Chances of it's survival drop hugely.  I guess I should stop this morbid rant.  I'm sorry.  This is how I feel.  This is my reality.  Reality is just that.  It's real.  Nothing can stop it or change it no matter how much we wish it so.  We can try, which is what I always do, but life is going to unfold however the hell it wants. 

I'm in the fall and headed toward the ground.  I guess I just wanted to talk about it.  Thank you for listening.  And I do hope you have a nice holiday.  I will have a cup of tea and watch some videos and take care of my cat today.