Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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EndlessDarkness1 06/24/2014

Probably a strange subject, but YA...

Today I was on a bit of an emotional roller coaster..

I started making plans for my suicide, and am hoping for tomorrow.. but more likely then not it will happen Thursday, but we will see how it goes..

I need to start on my note and notes to all the people I care about, but will get to that tomorrow at lunch time, if I've not gotten my phone so I can reach out for help..

method has been an interesting conundrum.. Ideally I would have something that would get rid of my body, like drowning and then lost at sea or eaten by sharks, but I wont have the courage for that, so decided in the end to buy some tape and a hose pipe, there is a place across from my work where I can get what I need, and the bottom level parking lot is quiet enough for my intentions.

at one point during the day I decided not to give god the satisfaction of sending me to hell, but I don't see a point in delaying the inevitable with regards to that.. so yea.. at-least I get to shove him a toffee before being thrown into hell..

sigh.. the thought of it still makes me feel happy.. like there will finally be a definitive end to all of it..

but I'm no quitter.. so I want to try reaching one last time, I can kill myself at any point but cant reach for help in hell so yea.. there is that.. another thing is, and I've partly given up on it, is my life goal of making a difference.. I'm wanting to write a book, but yea don't think it will help, and the dream seems pretty pointless so fuck it..

I'll let everyone know how it goes and what my final decision is..

deleted_user 06/24/2014

I wanted to post this quote with you.

"Everything is going to be alright. Maybe not today but eventually"

EndlessDarkness1,

Please never give up. There is always hope. I understand that feeling of hopelessness and fear and panic and yes it is overwhelming. But I also know that if you can ride it out and wait it can and will pass.

If you ever need to talk you can always send me a message. I just want you to know that your life matters. You might not think it does but yes it really does. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

EndlessDarkness1 06/26/2014

Thanks to everyone for your support and comments.. right this second I want to end my life so badly.. I dont even care about the method.. I want to climb into the bath with a knife and slit my wrist.. I dont even care about my mother finding me like that..

I called the national depression group.. helped for a bit, showed me there is hope.. but I dont want it.. I dont want this daily struggle any more.. I'm so over it all..

I just have to get through these next 15 hours.. then my girlfriend will be with me.. she will get me through.. she always has..

wish me luck...

mjones0608 06/26/2014

I do wish you luck. I hope she does help. Just don't hurt yourself.

EndlessDarkness1 06/26/2014

I'm hurting everyday..

muskrattiger 06/26/2014

I know what it is to hurt every day .......I have suffered from depression all my life ......I have never wanted to be here ......when I was a young child I even asked god to take me back home .....I told god right out loud that I had made a mistake coming here it was just to hard being here ...........I felt all alone .....I begged him to take me home ......I haven't wanted to be here until a few years ago when I started to watch my grandchildren grow up I decided I actually want to be around for that ....so here I find my self after all this time wanting to be here .....I have worked very hard all my life fighting depression ... I don't know what it feels like to not have some level of depression......and I never will but I have made a goof life for my self and have been very lucky in having a very good loving husband ...... the times I thought of suside....it just wasn't something that I thought I had a right to do I was only at school and would soon enough be back home ..with god .....one time I took a break down and was going about suside ......but I was in a different place my head was in a different space ....not reality ...then my son woke up and I just snapped out of it ..........never tried that again ........a norther time I had to stop driving because I noticed I crept heading for the ditch .....I almost went in a cupel of times so I went for help ..........you just have to keep fighting getting all the help you can get and talk about everything that has ever hurt you it needs to come out for healing to take place ......depression is in my family to ....you just never know what it will be that will turn things around for you so you can't give up ........if I would of given up when I was a kid or a teenager or a young mother and wife .....I would never of arrived at this point ....although I still suffer from depression and I can never be with ought it completely ..I want to be here as long as I am able .....I want to be here ....and that can happen to you to .....take care ...god bless

EndlessDarkness1 06/27/2014

Do you know how depressing it is writing about how you want to kill yourself?

How much it feels like placing a burden on all those around you just so you can try find some help and peace in your own heart?

I would rather just do it than reach out but I promised myself and others that I would never take action on those dark thoughts and desires cause I care about those I'd leave behind...

If it disturbs you so why read further then the subject line? What did you expect something heart warming from "I would love to die"?

deleted_user 06/27/2014

I had a bottom of the barrel low period where I imagined all kinds of ways to kill myself. There was no sleep, just torturous tossing. After 2 years, I worked myself completely out of that dark pit. After that I promised myself that if this ever happened again, I would check myself in to a mental health clinic. Such pain is not necessary. I am still on ant-depressants, which thankfully work most of the time. Therapy was also helpful. Forget what anyone thinks. Take care of yourself now. Get yourself to a place where you can be cared for and "brought back".

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