Depression Support Group
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My mom and I got talking the other night, and I learned I may have gone through childhood trauma and not realized it.
To explain this, I'll need to give a little backstory on my family. My brother and I have a genetic disorder that requires us to stay on a low protein diet and drink a nasty tasting medical drink to give us the nutrients we can't get otherwise. My brother wasn't diagnosed until I was born 4 years later, and he now has autism and OCD. Having to try and get an autistic kid to switch to the diet and especially the formula after being exposed to it so late was absolute hell for both my parents and him.
When I was a little older, my brother would chase me down and attack me. He'd knock me down, get on top of me, and hit me repeatedly until someone pulled him off me. This happened often. I only remembered it happening at home, but as Mom and I discussed it, she mentioned that it had happened at school as well, so...clearly more than I thought. I'm not sure for how long it went on. I've always had it in my head that it was a few years, but time seems so long to a child, so who knows. It may have been only a few months. Mom said the violence was probably sparked by another autistic boy in his class who was pretty violent, but I think he also knew what he was doing as well. Considering his life became hell after I was born, I'm pretty sure he blamed me and held a lot of animosity towards me.
Mom told me I exhibited signs of some psychological issues when I was younger. There was an issue I had with controlling my bladder, which she suspected was more psychological than physical (She did get me tested, and everything checked out fine, so she may have been right)..She also described me as seeming to be slipping away, in a way. She said I would often just sit and stare nowhere, and she said it seemed like I just wasn't really there. She suspected it to be depression, and it could've been, but it also kinda sounds like I may have been disassociating, maybe?...Whatever the case, apparently my kindergarten teacher also mentioned me seeming like I was experiencing some sort of trauma issues or something as well..
Soo yeah...apparently my brother hurting me all the time or maybe the hell that was my household when I was a baby..or a mix of both..may have been more traumatic to me than I realized. I can't say I ever really thought of any part of my life as traumatic...I remember my brother hurting me, and I remember the tests for the bladder thing, but I don't remember any of the other negative things she mentioned or ever really feeling like anything was wrong. Maybe I just repressed most of the negative memories.
I am kind of relieved to know this though, because it does explain some things about me. It explains the depression, if that really did start all the way back then, it explains why I flinch whenever someone raises a hand towards me, and it probably also explains the fact that I don't form emotional attachment to people normally. I've considered that I may have an attachment disorder before, but I threw the idea out, because it results from trauma, and I didn't think I'd gone through any. Now I should definitely revisit that idea.
To explain this, I'll need to give a little backstory on my family. My brother and I have a genetic disorder that requires us to stay on a low protein diet and drink a nasty tasting medical drink to give us the nutrients we can't get otherwise. My brother wasn't diagnosed until I was born 4 years later, and he now has autism and OCD. Having to try and get an autistic kid to switch to the diet and especially the formula after being exposed to it so late was absolute hell for both my parents and him.
When I was a little older, my brother would chase me down and attack me. He'd knock me down, get on top of me, and hit me repeatedly until someone pulled him off me. This happened often. I only remembered it happening at home, but as Mom and I discussed it, she mentioned that it had happened at school as well, so...clearly more than I thought. I'm not sure for how long it went on. I've always had it in my head that it was a few years, but time seems so long to a child, so who knows. It may have been only a few months. Mom said the violence was probably sparked by another autistic boy in his class who was pretty violent, but I think he also knew what he was doing as well. Considering his life became hell after I was born, I'm pretty sure he blamed me and held a lot of animosity towards me.
Mom told me I exhibited signs of some psychological issues when I was younger. There was an issue I had with controlling my bladder, which she suspected was more psychological than physical (She did get me tested, and everything checked out fine, so she may have been right)..She also described me as seeming to be slipping away, in a way. She said I would often just sit and stare nowhere, and she said it seemed like I just wasn't really there. She suspected it to be depression, and it could've been, but it also kinda sounds like I may have been disassociating, maybe?...Whatever the case, apparently my kindergarten teacher also mentioned me seeming like I was experiencing some sort of trauma issues or something as well..
Soo yeah...apparently my brother hurting me all the time or maybe the hell that was my household when I was a baby..or a mix of both..may have been more traumatic to me than I realized. I can't say I ever really thought of any part of my life as traumatic...I remember my brother hurting me, and I remember the tests for the bladder thing, but I don't remember any of the other negative things she mentioned or ever really feeling like anything was wrong. Maybe I just repressed most of the negative memories.
I am kind of relieved to know this though, because it does explain some things about me. It explains the depression, if that really did start all the way back then, it explains why I flinch whenever someone raises a hand towards me, and it probably also explains the fact that I don't form emotional attachment to people normally. I've considered that I may have an attachment disorder before, but I threw the idea out, because it results from trauma, and I didn't think I'd gone through any. Now I should definitely revisit that idea.
I say this because it gets you nowhere. people think having a diagnosis is helpful but sometimes being normal is helpful. Sometimes not being a freak is helpful. This generation is very keen to put itself in boxes and it is happy to cut bits off itself in order to do this: but the real human condition is not so convenient and does not come in standard sizes.
What's bothering you now is what bothers you now. What you experience is all there is. There is not some hidden giant sector of reality in your bedroom wardrobe; what you are experiencing is the life that you have.
I think maybe doing some mindfulness would be an idea? And not getting too sucked into other people's analyses. You're too young to let someone put you in a box.
What is the relationship with your brother like now?
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1. I wet the bed as a young boy; symptom of Childhood abuse.
2. I was the older sibling; by almost ten years; and I began treating my Brother like s**t. Since Dad was killed in the Northern Ireland 'Troubles', I was the Father figure and became resentful of the role during my teenhood.
If you do explore it, please do so with a therapist. Self diagnosis can be very difficult and it can lead to a lot of dead ends. When I was in college (a long time ago) a lot of my friends took the 'abnormal psychology' class. They were all warned ahead of time that if they looked too deeply into it they were likely to see themselves in the things they studied.
I don't mean to diminish what you went through, being abused by an older sibling is a terrible thing to deal with. I do think you have the right idea to explore it in a bit more depth.
Gentle hugs
@sixtyplus Yes, I agree that was probably part of it too. Our relationship now is pretty good. He's improved a lot over the years in a lot of ways, besides just the violence thing. He doesn't talk a lot, so there's not a lot of conversation, but there are plenty of things we can do together that we both enjoy.
@ThePepperMan I would definitely like to see a psychologist and actually find these things out for certain. I'd already been meaning to before now, considering my depression that I still haven't gotten diagnosed but I'm pretty sure is a thing at this point. This just increased my desire to see one. Unfortunately, we don't have the money to do so right now, so who knows when that will happen.