Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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“Short” suicidal episode...?

blondeangel21
blondeangel21

so hi, I’m not on here much but I’m trying to be more active so I can reach out for support and see if others experience the same thing as me so we can lean on each other for support (I’m new to this particular group)...


that being said I was wondering if anyone else experience something like this bc I can’t find anything on it.



I will start fine and be totally okay, even exuberant at times. Either some small negative thing will be said between me and my fiancé or it’ll just happen for no reason and my heart just drops. As it drops I go into this trance like all of a sudden I’m not myself. It has different levels from “I’m so depressed that my body feels like rocks and I can’t move” all the way to “I’m a terrible person I want to die, it would be better if I didn’t exist.” It’s almost as if the world I know is just blurry and unrecognizable but at the same time I’m in reality, I know where I am and I’m aware of what’s happening. No hallucinations or anything like that either.. 


And a lot of times it’s like my brain just goes completely HAYWIRE and destructive terrible thoughts of how horrible I am and ways to hurt myself swirl through my head and it all spirals out of control..


I could start hyperventilating or something especially if this happens when I’m alone. It gets progressively harder to reach out bc I feel like I’m not worth anyone’s time although I feel like I’m literally dying and fading away on the inside bc of how utterly alone I feel in that moment but when someone catches on and tries to help I feel guilty. It’s like they could be doing something better with their time and energy and something to even elevate their mood positively instead of being around someone as depressed/ing as I am in that moment. It’s like I’m in a trance and I’ve stopped being the person I am but I still have some sort of construct of my control. All while I’m terrified bc it feels like it’s not enough control bc of my mental and emotional state. I’m always afraid my next episode will be my last.


The weirdest thing about all this is that my DEPRESSION episode may last for days, weeks at a time like normal. But these “meltdowns” (I call them that) last for like a day, very rarely will carry onto the next day. Sometimes the only thing to calm myself down and just SNAP OUT OF IT is cutting my thigh (nothing fatal, just pain/blood)


Has anyone else experienced this, am I not weird or am I super abnormal for experiencing it in this way????


If someone has, how have you dealt with it and did it get worse each episode (like mine)? 


Its all so confusing I feel like I’m going absolutely crazy.

healing57
healing57
I can totally relate to this. Anything can set off these "psychotic suicidal " episode. From thinking I said something wrong to a rude cashier. Sometimes they last for hours or days. I know a hundred ways I could kill myself. I cry a lot to put it mildly I have no one to reach out to except a crisis hot line because my friends and family have grown tired of my depression and don't care anymore. My father and grandfather both committed suicide. I found my dads body at the age of 14. I won't do that to my kids even though I don't really like them or the way they treat me. So I get to play the martyr and not do the only thing that would end my misery because I know what a horrible thing it is to live through. someone you love killing myself. I guess this isn't hwlpful except to validate you that yes other people feel this way too.
Restful
Restful
You have described so eloquently exactly how I feel when I have a depressive episode. Whatever triggers it puts me into a state of being almost non-functional. I feel that I am completely disconnected from the world around me and that I’m not worth anyone’s time. I am intensely afraid of dying, yet I don’t want to live either. It takes enormous effort to do things. I want to sleep to escape the mental agony. You’re not alone at all.
healing57
healing57
restful, you added something else I experience, it is crazy but I am intensely afraid of dying also yet don't want to live either. How does that make sense?
Restful
Restful
healing57 yes it’s like you’re trapped between life and death and can’t move in either direction. I can’t wait too see my therapist at the end of this month. It’s been very bad the past few days.
HisDaughter
HisDaughter
I am sorry about what you go through. You are not weird or abnormal. Things have explanations. Have you tried meetings with a therapy?
doncornelius
doncornelius
I get like that all the time. Here’s what I say to myself. I won’t let them win. In this case the them is depression and anxiety. I know life can be down right unbearable at times but you said you have those moments where everything is fine. They may be far and few between but aren’t they great. It sucks that we know what a good moment is and then we go back to miserable but what if one day the whole day is that good moment just all day and all week and all month. Sounds like something worth fighting for. And I say this right now feeling like giving up but I’m still going.
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