Through different themes in my thoughts I found that I am scared of silence. 

I am scared of being without a distraction. 

I am scared of spiraling down negative thoughts again. 

I would probably be fine but I can't let other people dictate their anxieties onto me. 

I have my own anxieties but I can handle them. I can't handle the stuff I got from other people though. I'm not that strong and that's ok.

I'm sad because I never had a parent that didn't make my life worse. For the longest time they were also the ones making it possible. But it's worse with them. Such a confused mix of feelings that is me. 

I am scared of thinking about all the social rejection. Two possible conclusions:

1. I am or was not understandable.

2. People sometimes suck. 

It's probably both of those things to some degree. 

But all this thinking about the past seems more and more irrelevant. I can see how some things still express themselves in my behavior. But I can't face my past every day. I've gotta more or less schedule it. 

I've had a good day. Some headache because of caffeine withdrawal. I hate being addicted to caffeine. Maybe I stop it in some weeks. I still got too much stress right now so I don't think it's the best time to go through a withdrawal. Everyone at work drinks coffee and I just wanna feel like I belong. But I also have mild insomnia. 

When I meditate I face my fear. It's not even that bad usually. But the slow change scares me. I haven't meditated much lately. I more or less know that if I meditated daily my insomnia would disappear. But it's scary. All these thoughts make me feel alive. When I control my thoughts, I feel like I'm less of me. I do think that I should meditate. But also if I let my thoughts hit me during the day instead of at night well I'm just shifting the same feelings to a different time. Admittedly, I am shifting them to a time where they haven't escalated as much yet. 

I look reality in the face and everything changes, but at the same time it also stays the same. Because I am realizing on a deeper level what I already told myself before, that I can't change the past. Bitter. There's no point in caring really. I don't know why I do. Changing the past was always a fictional concept so why would it have such an impact on my emotions. I've almost never consciously played with the idea of changing the past. But I have ignored changes in my feelings and focused on what I felt before because I wanted to function properly and not break down. I knew I had changed but it was scary. I wasn't satisfying the people I cared about. I didn't grow up to be the girl my parents might have been proud of. I grew up to be someone I myself like instead.