Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Some background, I am a husband with 2 kids (3 and 5) and a step daughter of 22 years old.
A lot of ranting, and a lot of freaking out. How did others handle this and did you freak out the same way I did, how did you handle it, and what did you do?
Married for 8 years, wife is very negative, controlling, and downright mean at times (obviously wasnt always this way). Divorce has been in the back of my mind for a long time just never came to surface. We have 2 little kids 3 and 5, and if we didnt have kids it would probably be over by now.
Well over the past week for Thanksgiving she went with the kids to visit her parents and I spent over 25 hours working on moving kids rooms around (oldest step daughter moved out and I was moving my daughter into her old room) and a lot of other work. She gets home and the only thing she says is how long did that take you, I said all week, and she said I (being her) wasnt even gone all week. That was it, nothing else, my sister in law comes over sees it and says that is awsome, but my wife says nothing. That kinda set something off in me. No good job, no thank you, that is just what she does all the time.
(Forshadowing I was thining a little bit about divorce but possibliy seeing how the holidays went and then from there maybe tell her it is over). I have been talking to 2 friends who went thorugh it as well (both female if it matters)
We went to bed, woke up she was pissed (later found out because we didnt have sex, even though she was sleeping before the kids) but why would I want to with her when she acted that way about what I did and how proud I was about it. So I texted her a lot of stuff saying we need to work on things, things need to change for us and for the kids (because neither one of us is happy) and a lot more. While doing this (and watching the kids because they are home with me) I am freaking out, crying/etc (I am very logical but when it comes to stuff like this I get very emotional). If I didnt have the kids with me I would probably have had a mental breakdown (this was Sunday). She gets home acts like nothing has really happened.
Monday comes and we email each other (we communicate better in email (thats another issue we dont communicate well). I say all this again that our relationship is bad for both of us and kids and we are all unhappy. We email a few times back and forth and says so this is it, it is over, you want a Divorce (she mentiones it first). That basically gave me the opening to just say yes and end it now (NOTE all this is happening while I am at work, I am freaking out and trying not to break down and cry):
NOTE: Also talking to 2 the friends in email while this is going on and they suggest it may be for the best to just end it
Ok, now back to Monday, she basically put all the blame on the issues on me but mentioned a few things we could do to improve things (again directing the things to improve towards me ) and I chicken out/back down and say ok we can work on thigns (because I am freaking out so bad I just back down) , and we can give it another try if we work on it together (I am sure we wont because from her point of view it is all my fault ). NOTE: Her sister, her 22 year old daughter and even her mother say WTF is wrong with her a lot of times so I KNOW it is NOT just me or my issues causing the problems in the relationship.
Now even though I kinda planned on ending it anyway, just not till after Christmas and to try to give it ONE last chance but also to not mess up Christmas for the kids.
BUT I had my chance especially since she brought up the "Divorce" word. and I backed out/chicked out (I avoide confrontation like crazy too).
I am almost positive it is going to end and now that she is aware of how I feel, how bad things are (there was no way she wasnt before but now she is).
My issue/concern is what/how am I going to handle this after Christmas if things do not get better (I doubt they will) with both of us knowing how bad it is and also knowing how bad I was freaking out the first time. (NOTE: I am taking medication for depression/anxiety and I have appoitment Friday so I am going to get way better/more effective medications so I dont have a breakdown between now and then, and even after).
I am worreid about the kids, I wont go for less then 50/50 custody, I pay for the house, no way she can afford it.
What can I do to help (or at least) control myself from freaking out between now and the new years (and especially if things dont work out afterwords). I can see myself having a total breakdown if/when I have to go through with it the entire way.
Then what happens the divorce is underway/after its over???
Please help, any thoughts, advice, or anything to help calm me down would help.
A lot of ranting, and a lot of freaking out. How did others handle this and did you freak out the same way I did, how did you handle it, and what did you do?
Married for 8 years, wife is very negative, controlling, and downright mean at times (obviously wasnt always this way). Divorce has been in the back of my mind for a long time just never came to surface. We have 2 little kids 3 and 5, and if we didnt have kids it would probably be over by now.
Well over the past week for Thanksgiving she went with the kids to visit her parents and I spent over 25 hours working on moving kids rooms around (oldest step daughter moved out and I was moving my daughter into her old room) and a lot of other work. She gets home and the only thing she says is how long did that take you, I said all week, and she said I (being her) wasnt even gone all week. That was it, nothing else, my sister in law comes over sees it and says that is awsome, but my wife says nothing. That kinda set something off in me. No good job, no thank you, that is just what she does all the time.
(Forshadowing I was thining a little bit about divorce but possibliy seeing how the holidays went and then from there maybe tell her it is over). I have been talking to 2 friends who went thorugh it as well (both female if it matters)
We went to bed, woke up she was pissed (later found out because we didnt have sex, even though she was sleeping before the kids) but why would I want to with her when she acted that way about what I did and how proud I was about it. So I texted her a lot of stuff saying we need to work on things, things need to change for us and for the kids (because neither one of us is happy) and a lot more. While doing this (and watching the kids because they are home with me) I am freaking out, crying/etc (I am very logical but when it comes to stuff like this I get very emotional). If I didnt have the kids with me I would probably have had a mental breakdown (this was Sunday). She gets home acts like nothing has really happened.
Monday comes and we email each other (we communicate better in email (thats another issue we dont communicate well). I say all this again that our relationship is bad for both of us and kids and we are all unhappy. We email a few times back and forth and says so this is it, it is over, you want a Divorce (she mentiones it first). That basically gave me the opening to just say yes and end it now (NOTE all this is happening while I am at work, I am freaking out and trying not to break down and cry):
NOTE: Also talking to 2 the friends in email while this is going on and they suggest it may be for the best to just end it
Ok, now back to Monday, she basically put all the blame on the issues on me but mentioned a few things we could do to improve things (again directing the things to improve towards me ) and I chicken out/back down and say ok we can work on thigns (because I am freaking out so bad I just back down) , and we can give it another try if we work on it together (I am sure we wont because from her point of view it is all my fault ). NOTE: Her sister, her 22 year old daughter and even her mother say WTF is wrong with her a lot of times so I KNOW it is NOT just me or my issues causing the problems in the relationship.
Now even though I kinda planned on ending it anyway, just not till after Christmas and to try to give it ONE last chance but also to not mess up Christmas for the kids.
BUT I had my chance especially since she brought up the "Divorce" word. and I backed out/chicked out (I avoide confrontation like crazy too).
I am almost positive it is going to end and now that she is aware of how I feel, how bad things are (there was no way she wasnt before but now she is).
My issue/concern is what/how am I going to handle this after Christmas if things do not get better (I doubt they will) with both of us knowing how bad it is and also knowing how bad I was freaking out the first time. (NOTE: I am taking medication for depression/anxiety and I have appoitment Friday so I am going to get way better/more effective medications so I dont have a breakdown between now and then, and even after).
I am worreid about the kids, I wont go for less then 50/50 custody, I pay for the house, no way she can afford it.
What can I do to help (or at least) control myself from freaking out between now and the new years (and especially if things dont work out afterwords). I can see myself having a total breakdown if/when I have to go through with it the entire way.
Then what happens the divorce is underway/after its over???
Please help, any thoughts, advice, or anything to help calm me down would help.
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Do you think anxiety is genetic or comes from your environment? What are your thoughts?
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Many of you know Mr K told me to "shut your mouth" in March 2025 when we took a road trip to Alpena Michigan. Since that time, we have had lots of ups and downs but I have never intentionally hurt Mr K in anyway. And when we first started dating in 2024 he let me know, although he is an engineer by degree, he has an extremely low EQ. Overall, he is ok (not off the charts nice like other guys in...
What about asking your wife to go to marriage counseling with you? It can help the both of you learn how to communicate. It can also help each of you learn what you are doing wrong and what you can do to improve the marriage. From an outsider's perspective it doesn't sound like it's necessarily completely broken. You just may need some repairs through counseling. Personally, I would try that route before ending it.
If your wife is unwilling, therapy for yourself might help you deal with a divorce.
I have a question why did you not go with your wife to her parents?
If my husband was not with me and our children for a holiday I would be pretty angry. Then she said she was mad because you didn't have sex. I don't know about her but in my mind if it were me I would feel that I have been gone, you don't initiate sex when I come back, so that equates you don't desire me and a woman needs to be desired. It doesn't matter that she was already asleep. I would want to be woken up. On the other hand I totally understand your anger. She should have acknowledged all of the hard work you did and then maybe you would have been more apt to want to have sex. You two are in a cycle of hurting one another. I have been there and it sucks. Like Blue said you need to seek counseling and learn how to talk to each other. After that if you bother feel that you can't work things out then divorce would be the next step. I hope things get better. If you ever want to talk I am a good listener.
I am going to councelling have been for 6 months or so (and have done it in the past) and I am on medicaiton as well.
We dont communicate well except through email/etc. I try but she gets very defensive, I bring up something, she ignores the initial issue and brings up things from the past (usually that I did).
Plus a big issue I have is I avoid confrontation so that hurts the relationship (and I know this) because when something goes wrong, or she does somethign I dont like I dont confront her/say anything and I am working on that, but it doesnt help that when I finally do say something she gets defensive and avoides the issue.
I know a lot of the issues are due to me, and I know what a lot of them are, but a LOT of the issues are due to her (and her family sees it so I know it is just not me thinking they are her fault/on her) but she wont acknowledge them or try to fix them.
I feel like I am the only one in the relationsihip trying to do anything to fix it.
A good point is I sent her an email this morning saying I didnt feel good and had an upset stomach and stuff, (she knew what I meant and why) and she said everything is ok between us now right? Like we had a fight and Divorce was thrown out there but we made a few suggestions and now everything is fine?
I dont know how to tell/make her realize she has to do something with/for herself to make "US" work better.
I have a LOT of days I cant take it anymore, and a lot of days it seems ok, and a few more I question if I should even be questioning myself (meaning should I even be thinking about breaking up and I shouldnt be).
My Psy doc says the relationship is ciciclular (circular) or however you spell it, and she was in there for that one time she said it, and it is all coming from me and hitting a wall most of the time when I try to fix things, and I get nothing back and I WANT to change that but I cant change or do anything to/for her untill she does it for herself.
Her sister (my best friend) tells her all the time to go to councelling but she doesnt listen.
Anyone haev any ideas on what/how to maybe anomously get someone to go/see that they need to go? WHenever I say anthing (or her sister) she gets defensive and freaks out about it like therapy is used to attach people.
She said she didnt want to go because it would make things worse and we would fight, if we did fight (not in a name calling/bad way) that would be GOOD, it would be communicating but she wont/cant see it that way.
So if anyone knows how to make (or get) someone to go to therapy/councelling (on their own or in couples) I would appreciate the advice because it doesnt work coming from me or her sister.
thank you both for your advice!
My husband and I went through a period of what you are talking about. We did not communicate at all either. It got to that point where I told him he needed counseling and if he didn't get help then I was gone. I left went to work and by the next morning he had an appointment. Got diagnosed bipolar and things got better. Better but not great. Because of all the time we spent not talking we both had so many resentments towards each other we didn't even like being in the same room. Then one night we had a fight and I just finally said that's it we need to separate. He agreed and we went about figuring out what we needed to do to separate. The funny thing is doing all that talking about splitting up brought us closer together. We were talking again. Laughing and joking and crying again rather than just acting like roommates. We did separate for a month. We talked everyday three and four times a day. We both worked on our own issues but also worked on what was wrong with us at the same time. We figured out that we both needed a slap in the face to wake up. That was 8 years ago and we are still together. We still have to "slap" each other from time to time but we when we came back together we were stronger and better people for it.
With all of that said you should know that you are doing everything you can to make things better and sometimes people just don't want to change or to change things. That is when you pick up and move on. But you can move on knowing that you have done everything you could to make it better. This is just my advice take it or leave it. I hope things get better for you!!
That is very good advice, and it would be MUCH easier to do and follow through with if we didnt have the young kids (3 and 5).
I would have to say I am the main caregiver (play with them, watch them, etc) for them and I can not imagine not seeing them or talking to them every day. If they were older it would still be hard but not as hard because they would not be changing so much each day, or if they were not there at all, it would almost be an easy choice that I probably would have made a while ago.
I have no regrets especially with the kids, they are the only thing that keep me going most of the time, but they are also the main thing keeping us together (weather good or bad).
I think the best thing to do for now is to just focus on the day-to-day matters of taking care of the kids, doing holiday preparations, etc. Just try to keep the peace for the next few weeks.
If you're quite sure there is no hope for the marriage (and frankly, your wife doesn't seem willing to make the effort to keep it together), then why push anything now?
See if you can agree to do any holiday/family stuff together, and afterwards you can pursue your next course of action. Why add to holiday stress with marital issues? Especially when you're not as stable on your meds as you'd like to be.
Take care of yourself and your kids as much as you can during the next few weeks. If you need to see your therapist more often, do that. Get away from the house with the kids, keep things neutral or light with your wife if possible. I'm sure it'll be somewhat uncomfortable, but if you decide you won't pursue anything until after the first, then you've got a plan and you can focus on the kids and the holidays now.
I think you are overwhelming yourself with your fears -- what about the divorce, what about custody, etc. I completely understand that, but just take it one day at a time, especially now.
After the first of the year, sit down with yourself and plan out exactly what you want, what you can change and what you need to give up.
I've been married for 29 years and although we have no kids, we've come really close to divorce once (planning for it). There have been many other times when things seemed bad and we thought about it, but somehow we stayed together. Sometimes marriages can be saved; sometimes they can't.
I wish you all the best, in whatever you ultimately decide to do. {{{hugs}}}
It does seem like she wants to work things out, but the communication is key. I would email her and tell her that you think things have gotten off track and they can't continue as they are. You want to save things, but you feel that counseling is needed to work through your issues. Tell her that you both need to learn how to communicate and you both need to work on improving your marriage. Try to refrain from assigning blame or using the word you at this point. By using words like we and us and saying you both need this makes it harder for her to get defensive. It might be easier for to really see what you are saying.
She definitely has issues she needs to work on, but right now the goal is just to get her to agree that counseling is what you both need and everything else can be addressed once you get there.
Good luck to you!
I completely agree with you, and that was my initial intention, to not bring anything up till after the holidays, no discussions, no fights, or anything, it just happened, happened fast, and that is what made it that much worse and harder to handle/deal with.
As for overwhelming myself, that is what I do :) No matter what it is about, that is me, so something this big is OH SO MUCH FUN for me!
I think if she was willing to try more and admit more responsibility there would be more of a chance but I dont know.
Blue,
I communicate through email more because I am able to read and re-read things so I can get it out right so it does not come out in a different way then intended and I try very hard to not point blame or anything like that, and I do not bring up the past/history because that is not what is causing whatever is going on now to go on.
I think maybe even an "intervention" type of thing may be the only thing to MAKE her see that this is a partnership and I am not the only one that can cause (or fix) issues. She wont listen to me or her sister about councelling. Her mom is kinda crazy so I cant ask her, I can ask her daughter (my step daughter) and maybe with the step daughter and my sister in law we can get her to do something/go to councelling.
I know I need to just stop freaking myself out and at least get through the holidays, but that is another problem, I have few friends (good ones but they are busy with school, work, and now the holidays). Luckily I have 2 that I have been able to email and get advice from and they have been helpful as they can be but I dont have anything I can throw myself into like video games, a hobby or anything like that.
Once we had the kids (and even a little before that) that kinda all went away (dont regret it) and I LOVE playing with the kids, but doing that all day I cant help but think/obsess about what comes after the new year!
I know marriage goes through ups and downs but what makes it work if both partners want to stay. You sound undecided and expect it to fail. If you do, it will fail.
Like I said, go get your meds changed, stay in communication with her and see what the new year brings.