Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
So I am back to not being able to sleep. I have agreed to spent Christmas with my family and I am dreading it already. There isn't a time when I talk to my mother and don't feel like shit afterwards. The main reason to keep in touch still is that I don't want to hurt her feelings. But when am I gonna heal if I still talk to her every couple of months?
It's so typical of her to say that her kids are all she has. I hate these guilt trips. Many things could have gone differently but every time I was down in life she was there to pull me even further down. I wonder if she really doesn't see it. She is quite oblivious to the fact that children or "healthy" people can have problems too.
Now she hates me because I moved out and don't contact her enough. Maybe if I was in a better place I could have a relationship to her. I don't want her to be sad but it doesn't seem to matter. I would never be enough anyways.
I talk bad about my parents like this and then people seem to think I have awful parents. (Or that I am an ungrateful brat)
I don't like it when other people judge my family though. It's not that I'd wish to spend time with them but I still hope that maybe one day everything will change. (Please don't tell me to try and talk to them I have tried saying things in all words and all ways of speaking and all volumes, in different modes of delivery like messaging and writing. It doesn't matter. I tried for 5 years. I still try every now and then.)
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It's National Doughnut Day!Which three would you like? (never mind the calories, fat, or sugar content; just go with what you would pick if none of that mattered and whatever health issues you might have that would keep you from eating one in real life can be cast aside for this exercise as well... have at it!)
I had to push back with my mother. I don't think they know who we are. We don't complain, we go yes mum,no mum. They have no idea they're being giant assholes, putting us down, treating us like crap.
They're on autopilot, unaware of their impact on others. And you've never drawn the line and put up any boundaries.
I put up some boundaries with Mum. "I'm sorry Mum," I remember saying "this is outside my boundaries, I cannot tolerate it so if you do it I have to go." Have hung up on her, have walked out on her. Took a hell of a while to get the point, but she got it. Ish. Enough for me to survive. And now I've established the fact that I'm not always entirely predictable, which at least is something. If she pisses me off to the point where I tell her off, I no longer sweat it.
You could tell her. "I'm sorry mother, I would love to talk to you more but you rip me down, which is not okay. If we can't have good telephone calls, then we shouldn't have any at all. Are you willing to try to play nice?' If she feels patronised you can suggest she up her game so that you don't have to patronise her. If she feels her dignity is besmirched perhaps you can suggest she be more dignified in her actions and she'll receive more respect. Tell her she gets what she earns. If she don't like it, she needs to stop earning it.
And boy - counselling. I recommend counselling. Finding ways to strategise around handling her.
But for instance, your mother says her children are all she has, and you feel guilt. Well the reality is that if she has no friends it's her own fault. What she has by now is her own darn fault. you don't owe her because she didn't invest in friendships. That's her lookout.
Start looking at what she says and ask yourself if you just kneejerk into guilt because it's a pattern you know. And definitely get the counsellor. You need more than one head figuring out how to handle this situation. It's clearly only going to get worse.
Because of my mother's multiple sklerosis she claims to be unlovable and it didn't get better when some of the guys she dated left her because of her illness. Her husband of 17 years being in the same category.
But yes some of her misery is because she doesn't change her way of thinking or living.
Counseling might be a good idea. Currently because my mother doesn't take up a lot of space in my life I prefer to invest time and money into other activities. I am not living in the same country as her. My plan is to heal and invest in myself before I get back to a situation where she will always try to hurt me in some ways but then I will be able to handle it better than when I was just a child.
Thank you very much for your advice and support, it is nice to know that there is other people in similar situations.