I feel like that too. I fight with my mom all the time. But you know what I realized, she’s probably just as messed up as I am. It never really dawned on me that she might be. We have similar lifestyles, similar jobs, and wouldn’t depression run in the family.

Surely you got to your 50s being blind to her behaviour. Keep her in your life, you only have one Mother, but put things in place for yourself, boundaries that you do not want her to pass. I didnt talk to my mum for 1 year, and I realise that she needs me and I need her. I now have boundaries so I don’t deal with disappointment from her. But the funny thing is I have not needed my back up boundaries, we cleared the air and enjoy having each other’s company.

Well I can tell you that having stable, uplifting, lovely parents is not a per-requisite for having a life or a Point in it, trusting others, or making your life meaningful and investing it in ways you want it to reflect you. Having grown up with a father who was a Pedophile and a mother who was a Psychotic, Abusive, mean ass bitch....never needed them in my life past the age of 15 when I was out and in University. They surely never had my back, except to impart physical violence upon it.

Families are what they are, and many of them suck. At 50 years old (I'm also 50) you don't need your mom's approval or whatever to live your life. And keeping poisonous, negative people around you just keeps you in a negative space, so let them go and get on with living your life.

Unfortunately, you are not alone. I figured out that my family didn't want to be around me 6 years ago (26 years old). I don't really have any advice for this, as I don't think I have fully dealt with this topic. It, unfortunately, occurred during a traumatic period of my life that I am still currently dealing with.

Something that I do believe in from before the traumatic period was that family is what you make of it. Blood doesn't make a family.

One last addition, it is not your fault.

I am 60 and my parents divorced over 55 years ago! I am still struggling of feeling not worthy enough for my father's love and attention. He is 85 now! I am putting my negative feelings aside (for now) because life is short and I want not to hate him. I understand it all. My mother was at arms length with me, but I know she truly loved me! Just wished we were closer

thank you guys. I'm glad I got a lot of responses because it makes me feel cared about and validated. something I am not getting from my family. I think for me it would be hard to let go of my family even though that's what I want to do for the most part because I am really shy and don't form relationships with others to get the love that I need. and I am someone who does need love and someone to talk to so it's really devastating to me to have this going on in my family. but I also agree that it's not good to have negative people around me and creating boundaries seems like a good compromise. I think the main problem and this has been going on for a couple of years now, is having my mom in the house. I am now working on a plan to get her out. it's really painful for me because I know that's not what she wants and it will hurt her mentally and probably physically but I have reached the end of my rope.
I called the suicide hotline this morning because I was desperate and crying and a nice man talked to me and said to make a plan to change things. and he said not to have expectations about my family being decent or changing. he also said I was probably exhausted which didn't help things. he was very helpful.
my thing is love. I need it. and god it is hard to find. I remember something mr. rogers said a long time ago that rang so true to me. he said something like .. life is about love, either having it or not having it and looking for it. I didn't put that quite right but I think that is so true. and if you don't have it, wow. that's a knock out. at least for me. from what I gather, some people can handle it better than others.
so I am left with working on a plan to find a better arrangement for my mom and of course trying to maintain my sanity and job and all that and also dealing with enormous amounts of loneliness and pain on a daily basis.
I am tired of pretending that everything is ok and masking it with over eating or denial or whatever. I don't have a huge amount of time left in my life and I don't want to spend it being abused by people who I have treated well and helped out.
today my therapist worked me in and I have an appointment with my dr this afternoon.
I don't know if they can really help but where else do I have to turn except here.
I feel so incredibly sad and lost and disappointed and hurt. I understand why people end their lives. I don't actually want to end my life but I feel really sad that mine is so unhappy and it's so unfair.
some people get dealt much harder hands than other. i'm tired of playing this shitty hand all the time.
having said all this, I think the hardest thing is dealing with the disappointment and lack of support and acknowledgement of my feelings from my mom. I don't want to cut her off completely although at times it's actually tempting but having a relationship with her means having to try to ignore or suppress the rage that she causes in me. I don't know if I can do it. that really scares me.
I wonder, will I ever have a good relationship? will I ever find someone who will love and support me and treat me with respect? so far, at 55, I have not had that. it's not so much I feel sorry for myself it just makes me really sad because I do have a lot to offer and am a decent person. it's such a waste.
thank you again. I am going to re-read what everyone wrote now because I read through it pretty quickly.
I hate living in so much pain and with so much rage. it is just awful. it feels emotionally bad but also really physically uncomfortable. I've said this before but it's like I have acid running through my veins and my chest is tight and my stomach is upset and I just feel like fucking screaming all the time.