Recently, my parents tooks trip to visit their families out of state. They came back with the usual updates. However, they emphasized how all the relatives my age were married. Well, in some cases were, as it seems the current generation believes in divorce. Soon afterwards, my sister told me she's now engaged, but is waiting to tell our parents. Unknowingly, my father said to her that she should get married. So, that leaves me as almost the only single person in my family except for those too young to marry. Even my second cousins are marrying, which, since my family is the traditional Mexican family, is a lot of them.

I've said numerous times that I had no desire to marry. The reasons are numerous. The first reason being that I'm not capable of feeling love. it's seems that most people seem to define love as a feeling with all the happy feelings and cite it as why they leave someone when they no longer feel it. Love as an act of will I can understand to a degree. If I'm the stranger who offers to let you use his AAA card to get a tow in the rain, know that I'm not doing it to make myself feel good, I'm not., I'd get more feeling drinking a Slurpee. I can easily just pick up and leave without a thought. I don't celebrate my birthday (Most people aren't even aware of my age) or other holidays, so gifts as symbols of affections is alien to me. Yet, society seems to push the sappy "luv" as the norm.

Because of all of this, I've been called rude, self-centered, arrogant. To a degree, I agree with self-centered, given how people who claimed to be my "friends" betrayed and used me. At least, my acquaitances are honest. They only show up when they need something. A favor for a favor. Most of the people who would claim they were my "friend" are women. I know some people would say all this biternes is from love unrequited. I don't know how one can make something out of nothing. One could say I was the "safe" male friend or the someone they used to make themselves better. Also, I was the poor pathetic person sitting in the corner by himself they decided to help to make themselves feel better.

Of course, the other reasons are my disorders. Who wants to be with a depressed person who has no hope of emerging from it for a lifetime? Someone who lacks confidence, drive and determination? Someone who knows the battle is lost before it's begun? Someone who years ago was considered a gentle soul who tried very hard to remain that, only to realize it was hopeless? Someone who needs to drink a 2-litter bottle of Pepsi to even feel the slightest pleasure and to whom happiness is just a word in the dictionary?

Unfortunately, the biological aspect is still there. Although, I can control it most of the time, I do find women attractive. I used to tell myself if I did marry, she'd have to be Catholic and a good cook (I suffer from ageusia, the inability to taste. So, maybe she could cook something on Tuesdays and Thursdays I could taste, if I was lucky. Habrenos might as well be bell peppers to me). I tend to find petite brunettes and red heads attractive (I especially find the latter extremely attractive for reasons I don't understand). I find eyes and legs the second physical feature I'd admire. Yet, I don't understand the whole makeup deal (I honestly don't) and I find conservative clothing more attractive than the current fare. Flipping through the cable channels, I'd say Rachel Weisz's wardrobe in "The Mummy" is a good example. This whole thing can get incredibly shallow to where I can find someone attractive if they simply change their hair from blonde to brunette.

I wish I could put all of this attraction into a trunk, drop it into the ocean and drop a dozen depth charges on it, maybe a nuke. I was and am judged by my physical appearance, speech and mannerisms negatviely (Unless I'm wearing a shirt and tie, then it's instant respect. I might do a post on that). So, I feel guilty finding women attractive for the same reason. If the woman happens to be married (which I seem to have a knack for finding), I get nauseous as well. Looks fade, yet the ability to be devout and cook a great roast can remain and grow or if they decline, restored. When people say a woman is "hot," I actually cringe. If someone ask me if they or someone looks beautiful in a dress, I give a hohum answer. What is up with all the V-necks and low buttons? If a woman happens to be wearing a low cut top or short skirt and bends over in front of me, my head is turned towards to the wall. Should a woman with gorgeous legs be considered less when those legs get fat and have vericose veins?

This attraction serves no puropose in me other than to depress me further. I'm not even close to my family, so the ability to do so with another person is nil. To be honest, I'd be concerned if I had enigiune trouble than if my mother was hospitalized. Yes, it's happened.

So, I'll remain alone and single, taking care of only myself as I always have since I know there can never be anyone else.