Emotional abuse from a parent is so difficult because we grow up with and start to believe its normal. I always got the "not good enough" and did everything I could to show I was trying to make her happy. Took me until the last year or so to realize and understand that emotional balckmail and abuse can only work if I let it. Once I could see and understand that my best was actually pretty damn good, she started to lose power and control over my life.

You talked to her and she fought back in the only way she knew how- by using emotional mind games and blackmail on you. Please see it and understand it for what it is. You are never going to change her. Only she can do that. What you can change is how her petty games impact you. The next time tell her simply and quietly that you will not accept her abusive ways any longer and then walk away. No games, no shouting, not feeling bad. You hold your head up high and show her that the mind games no longer work on you.

Accept her for what she is and know she won't change. Then decide if you want to continue to deal with it or not. Take the power from her and empoer yourself. YOU can choose if her emotional blackmail works or not. It takes a lot of hard work, but you can break the pattern and you will be stronnger and better for it. I know you can do it.

>>i get the feeling she does not care for me very much. Still, I visit on a regular basis ..

Why?

I visit because I promised my brother Jim that I would help take care of her.

Perhaps you need to tell Jim you can no longer 'relate' to your Mother. As I see it, you have only two options:

Continue as is.
Remove yourself from her.

You cannot change someone else. You can't have this both ways .. tend to her and avoid her abuse.

I am so sorry you are dealing with that. It sounds like your mom has her own issues and are taking them out on you.

Yeah I've been told that we cannot change somebody. Yet I keep trying. That could be a topic for another day..LOL.

Thanks for listening.....

I am a person who is very similar to your mom only I am trying to change.

You can't give in to what she does. You are you and that is something to be respected.

You can use boundaries. You can tell her that "XY or Z hurts me and I want it to stop."
If she cooperates, then send cards or visit once in awhile but if she cannot cooperate then "divorce" her.

Your happiness is more important than her games.

Signed,

an insecure adult trying to change.

>>I am trying to change.

Then you will probably succeed. Anyone can improve their self.

Thanks.

A lot of times with the folks who are not secure in themselves, there is this huge gaping hole in their soul where they *percieve* hurt that is not there.

This is when you have to do like an alocholic and take it ONE DAY AT A TIME and try to live up to your own version of the 12 steps.

It can be done.

I can relate, I never had a close relationship with my mother because she has a mental illness and unfortunately has said some pretty cruel things to me that I can't forgive. I agree with "divorcing" her, only after you know you've reached out and tried. My therapist assured me that plenty of successful people don't have relationships with their parents.

Since my parents divorce my mom has belittled me doesn't listen hear or talk to me, laughs at me. I'm with you way to go mom..

Hi Diane
I'm so sorry you are going through this with your mom. I too have many issues with my mother and it's a difficult position to be in. I have been dealing with mom/daughter issues with my mom since I was a young girl. She now lives with me and I've noticed that my depression has gotten worse in some ways because we are like night and day. She can hurt me beyond words but along with my anger, comes the guilt, that I carry with the negative feelings that I have towards her. I'm anxious to hear what your therapist has to say after you talked to your mother, and obviously got nowhere. I agree with Prospero when he talks about the emotional blackmail and abuse. If you ever want to talk, please message me and we can share our stories. They are quite similar. Hugs