This year has not gotten off to the right foot.  I went to a 12-step social event and I felt totally invisible. Worse yet, the person across from me while I was playing bingo was really nasty to me.  I was asking some questions about the game and she was totally disgusted, rolling her eyes and purposely shielding her face from me. Everyone there knew each other and not one word was said to me.  I thought if there was anywhere I could find people to resonate with it would be in the 12 step community.  I had not done one of their events before and I was so wrong.  I have to say I have never felt more disregarded and unwelcome then ever before there, the last place I would expect.  I'm planning to go to an online support group right after this.

I have been trying to get out and do new things, it just didn't work this weekend.  I went to a community hike on Sunday, today, and my camelback had gotten unscrewed at the bottom. All of the water was pouring out on my clothes. I had to stop to fix it. The entire group went ahead, and I was there with this one woman.  The group ended up going to breakfast without the both of us. I was so demoralized and so was the woman. Between lastnight and today it was just the last thing that I needed.  I had quit the hiking group that I was with, and now I frankly regret my decision. This morning I woke up prior to the alarm, at 4:30 A.M., like I do when I am going through a severe bout of depression.  I had so much trouble concentrating when doing my homework yesterday, everything was a blur.  Everything pisses me off, whenever I get a text I freak out and get angry, and then I'm upset when I don't hear from anyone. I don't know WTH is wrong with me. Maybe I need different meds.  The clinical side of this mood episode has gotten severe.  I had tried these activities per my therapist's suggestion as a DBT skill.  It backfired tremendously.  I have been having ideation, restlessness and am practically hysterical. Maybe I should consider hospitalization.