*TW: abuse, rape, self harm, suicide* *posting this on a few different support groups to reach a wide variety of responses* this is something i've been afraid to talk to people about for months now. i've only opened up to 2 friends and partially to my therapist about this... i really need help and honest advice right now. to sum it up, i'm 15 years old and i was trapped in an abusive (emotional and sexual) relationship with a guy i was indifferent about for nearly 2 months. he insulted me, disregarded my feelings, blamed me for everything, manipulated me into believing i was at fault for his fits of anger, and controlled who i talked to, as well as pressured me into having sex with him multiple times when i was not ready. prior to meeting him, my depression was already coming back and i wasn't in a great place mentally; adding on my experience with him, i felt as though i was trapped in hell. as a coping mechanism, i developed poor habits of self harming every night, smoking weed often, and drinking my problems away. my friends encouraged me to leave him, but as anyone who has ever been in an abusive relationship knows, that's very difficult to do when you feel so trapped. until... his friend reached out to me one day at school. he had noticed i was struggling with my boyfriend at the time and was concerned for me and wanted to help me. he was everything i needed at the time... he cared for me, he listened to me, he supported me, he loved me... and i loved him. i talked to him more and more behind my boyfriend's back (he never let me talk to guys) and i found myself falling for this angel of a guy. it was like something straight out of a romance novel; for the first time in months, years even, i felt genuinely happy. i felt safe in this world when i had him here. i have been clean ever since the day i met him... however, as i expected, when my boyfriend found out, he was furious. he called me unspeakable names and stabbed at all my deepest insecurites... but that wasn't the worst part. he and some of his big football friends cornered this guy after school one day and beat him up pretty bad... after that, the guy was afraid to be around me out of fear of what my boyfriend would do to him. he avoided me for a while and i was heartbroken... my boyfriend had torn my source of happiness away from me. he tried getting back with me after that... i made the mistake of going over to his house one night and he ended up getting me high and raping me... he completely broke me. i had never felt so scared and alone, and to make everything worse, i didn't have my happiness in my life. the guy eventually did start to contact me again, but things weren't the same. still, i had hope that i would have him back and i would be happy again... that is, until he got arrested. i had known the guy was a troubled kid and often got in trouble with the law (his mother was abusive, he was raped when he was a child, he watched his dad get shot and killed, he was shot once as well...) but this still came as a shock to me. i heard endless rumors about what he had done to get locked up... the worst being he raped someone. i had no idea what to believe... it tore me apart in ways my boyfriend was never capable of. i was empty, i was scared, i was lost, i was alone... it's been 2 months since he was arrested for whatever he did, and i still miss him so fucking much every day. my ex boyfriend is on to fucking around with other girls, so thankfully he's no longer in my life. i was hospitalized for a while because i attempted suicide and would threaten to hurt other people... i've become a mess stripped of her happiness and all hope in life. i've heard rumors that he isn't in jail at all, he just transferred schools; but, again, i have no idea what to believe. he deleted all his social media and hasn't been replying to anyone trying to contact him. he read a few of my messages within the past few months and said simple things such as "i am fine," "don't worry about me," "ignore everything you're hearing"... but i don't know what to think anymore. my last bit of hope lies in the fact that i'm going to a concert for my favorite artist on december 13 and i know for a fact that he purchased tickets to go as well... this may be my first opportunity to see him in 2 months. this is where i'm coming to a controversy... i don't know if i want to see him again or not. not sure if any of you guys have ever read the book/seen the movie "if i stay" where the main character has to decide whether she wants to face everything in her life or simply run away and move on... i'm in a similar dispute. for the past 2 months i've been working very hard on moving on, thinking i'll never see him again... i've been teaching myself how to be strong and be happy on my own, and while it's been difficult, i feel as though i'm moving in the direction i'm supposed to be going. i've been thinking back on everything a lot lately, too... i had a dream where an individual said to me, "the question is... do you miss him, or the feeling of happiness he gave you?" which has stuck with me. but at the same time... i feel like i need to talk to him. i need closure after all of this... i just don't know if i'll be able to handle the pain returning and all the memories from my past with him... plus, as selfish as it is, it would fucking devestate me to find out he's forgotten about me... or even worse, moved on and found a better girl when he's all that's on my mind... i don't know. it's driving me insane. i don't know what to do. i have no fucking idea and i'm scared. this decision could potentially change everything... please, if any of you have honest advice or are able to speak from experience, i need it right now. i desperately need help.
im done with this. i just want to die. i dont want to go on anymore. nobody cares about me and my life is worthless. i dont want to be alive. it would make everyones lives easier. nobody would even notice. im done with this shit.
Because my apartment was being renovated I spent the last five days living at my bf's apartment. I wasn't very productive so I decided I will go back to my apartment until exam season is over. But now that I'm back I realize how much easier I drift into negative circles of thoughts and ruminate when I'm alone. I wonder if I should move in with somebody so that I'd have a shared room and I would...