I am trying out an online support group based on the advice of my therapist and doctors. 

I am trying to find a few people to turn to and talk to, especially when things are going wrong, and also to be there for them. My nature is to look out for others, so listening and being there is just as important as it is to vent.

Brief summary of my situation: I cannot walk for more than a few steps, have chronic pain, muscle weakness, fatigue, and my head and nerves can make my day a living hell. Apparently I also have severe depression that stems from my physical disabilities. I have been going to the doctors for over 6 years now and no diagnosis has been given, and my latest doctor said short of an autopsy, they may never figure it out, medicine is advanced but can only do and confirm so much.

My relationship with my wife has deteriorated to the point where divorce the only option, even if we remain friends, which depending on the day and my mood changes. I cannot stand to be around my kids for more than a few hours at a time, how much I love them doesn't matter, the noise they make and energy it takes to deal with them is more than  I can deal with. I am short tempered on my best of days. Been working on that, but with all the pain and pressure, I struggle with that especially. 

Today, I started to cut myself again. A bad fight and the realization that I may be moving out really soon and may not see my kids for a long time. I don't feel as if there is anything out there for me anymore. With my kids, it is hell every day, without them, life has no meaning. I finally fought off the urge by getting my kids in the room with me to read to them, talking to a buddy, and blaring some Stan Bush.

I play games at 32 and I hate it. Games are a fun distraction, but they have become all I can do, and it feels empty. I struggle with who I was and what I am now, what I used to do and what I am limited by now. I used to be fit and worked out all the time, I used to work. Now, exercise isn't much of an option. I'm only able to do menial tasks. I fight and I fight to not give up, but I am a shadow of the man that I was, and I cannot escape that feeling. My therapist tells me I still have  much to give and that I'm still strong in spirit, but other than being there for a few friends that have issues as well and being in my girls' lives, I feel like I am a waste of space.

I am not looking for validation. My therapist gives that to me in spades and it feels like bullshit a lot of times. I guess I'm looking for some other people to talk to and to keep my head up, while I do the same for them.