A lot of times men experience symptoms of depression much differently than women - I am a girl so I can't speak definitely. however when i have been dismissive to others it is mostly because I am trying to protect myself. I don't want to let people in and show them how much I am suffering. I am dismissive and short, and probably hurtful. Then after the fact I feel so so so so guilty. It makes me hurt even more. I feel bad, and like I just radiate pain and hurt to others. It is a vicious cycle and is one I realize and can see but for some reason I just cannot stop. It is the depression. It is not him.... he is probably trying to protect you, and he is probably hurting because he can't control this. We do realize the hurt we cause others, and feel helpless because we just can't do anything to fix it.

Thank you, your answer really helped. He's SUCH a good man in every way, but so hard to deal with when he's in "jerk mode." I know he's struggling, somehow it helps that he probably knows I am too.

I am a man who has suffered depression for a long time, so I guess I can speak from that point of view.

Depression is not logical, so there are times when people try to use logic on me (and I am a logical person), and it only makes me frustrated. So that "why do you do this when you know that ..." questioning can trigger me. I try to get out of it, but if pressed I can lash out.

When people feel backed into a corner (by depression, not other people) lashing out is a very common reflex. Sadly we often see lashing out as the ONLY alternative to surrendering to the daemons of depression.


But one of my dear friends here put it best when she said that (paraphrasing her here) 'my depression or other mental conditions, do not give me the right to be nasty to others'.

So there is my contradictory explanation of why we can be jerks, and why we know that it is wrong to be a jerk.

At times, he's an absolute jerk to me. Dismissive, rude and critical, he has mocked my feelings and often belittles things that are important to me.

These are not symptoms of Depression. Yes when Depressed people feel hassled too much to get help or get up and get back to the world, they can get frustrated and angry, but its generally a general anger.

The things your spouse is doing to you are not normal symptoms of being depressed. If it's been 33 years and if you've let him treat you like this the whole time then its behavior he sees as okay. He knows you'll take it and not do anything about it, so why change.

In reality most depressed people aren't abusive to their partners or spouses, when most people are seriously depressed they withdraw inward, they find a place to hide away from the world, where they have to deal with anyone the least, generally their bed. They sleep, they function very little.

If your husband has the gumption to mistreat you then he should be up doing things to help himself get better. Does he even see a Therapist? Does he take any medications? Does he do anything to make his Depression better?

I've been BiPolar for 28 years, I was married for 25 years, when I was severely depressed the last thing I wanted to do was find the energy to argue with my husband....all I wanted was to be left alone.

It might be time to stand up for yourself and let your spouse know that the way he treats you is not okay and its not acceptable. But that's up to you.

Take care,

I am diagnosed with clinical depression and PTSD. I CLAIM to have it under control. That claim is uncertain .... because I live my life mostly (99%) alone. I take medication for both and I would say they work. My solitary life is 'comfortable' but my relationship with people is minimal.

I don't know if it is depression or PTSD, character flaw, or what ... but I have a horrible temper. Probably anger is my greatest enemy now.

This will sound like MAJOR denial, .. but my temper ... to me ... is justified. It does not come forth except when someone does something that is quite serious to me. I don't THINK it is the same thing as your husband ... MAYBE, but I don't think so. Here is an example:

Friend' of mine ... has a bad foot and spends a lot of time in a wheel chair. He was doing some carpentry work and I offered to help him. Fine .. no problem, until he started yelling at me when I did not clearly understand what he wanted me to do. I let it go ... about 3 times. Finally, on the 4th time, I went ballistic ... nothing physical,, but I unleashed on him like a crazy person. I truly put the fear of God into him. Before anyone says "Wow .. it's easy to do that to someone in a wheel chair.", I have done this to physically fit people twice my size. I have done it to family, employers, clerks, ... anyone who (in my mind) 'had it coming'. I am much better now ,... but it just doesn't happen as often or for lesser things than in the past.

When it happens, it is like a bursting dam. It comes on in a split second and it is unstoppable. It used to be worse ... happening over lesser things, but my MANAGEMENT of it now, is not complete.

Throughout my life, I have done this to several people. I am pretty sure that is why I am and will be alone.

So ... in answer to your question ... yes, I know what I have done when I do it. Afterwards, I feel sick to my stomach. I tremble for some time. I feel TERRIBLE. I am not sorry for doing it, but I deeply regret that I was triggered to do it. I ALWAYS whish NONE of it ever happened.

I don't know if this helps. I am sure there is a problem ... it belongs to me, and its cost to me is essentially a life with NO relationships. It has costs me several of them.

Ironically, I preach against using anger ... but it is a 'do as I say, not as I do' situation.

I have learned it's "nothing personal" when DH is im jerk mode.

I realize it is merely a response to mental pain and anguish, similar to saying "ouch" to physical pain.

Hi
I agree with a little of what everyone has said. Sometimes people who are depressed can get agitated (it's a symptom of depression); if he feels safe with you then he will probably let it out with on you.
However, when I get rude with my husband because I'm tired, depressed and have had it with life, I, now recognize it now and take ownership. I don't think
that he should verbally abuse you. You can support him in his depression, in finding ways to deal with it, in spending time with him, but verbal abuse and put downs need to be dealt with. I am guessing that he would not go to couple's counseling with you? That might really help.

I would say that no one needs to (should?) put up with anyone else's abuse.

This is why I accept being alone ... because my temper MAY likely BE abuse. I don't know,... really. If it is, ... so be it. If not .. I guess I choose to be alone so I WON'T abuse anyone. Can't figure out (for myself) which is the cart and which is the horse.