Hi there,

Is there any reason you're posting this in the crisis forum? Is this a situation that is causing a crisis for you? Just curious.

To answer your question, I think everyone is different. There is no magic number (or age). It depends on your temperament, your culture, your life experiences. Everyone has their own timetable and comparing ourselves with others that we "think" are doing better than us or are more mature than us is usually not healthy because it tends to lead us to feelings of inadequacy or inferiority....which don't lead to more maturity or self-growth.

Events like marriage, having a job, economic independence from parents do make us feel more autonomous, secure, and hence more adult-like.

Depression and emotional issues can contribute to delaying these life challenges. They can also make us feel subjectively more dependent and vulnerable.

That said, I think we are always in the process of figuring out who we are. Life is a learning process. I'd guess most people don't have a crystal clear idea of who they are and what they want, regardless of their age, marital status, education or income.

I think you're still very young. I would advise you to take on some challenges in spite of your depression or self esteem problems. Challenges help us grow, become more independent and strong and have better self-esteem. It could be going for therapy, getting a new job, public speaking, going to college, moving on your own, traveling on your own, a class on assertiveness, an exercise program.

You'll be surprised what life experiences and facing and overcoming challenges can do for your sense of self-worth. It can also make you more resilient to depression.

Good luck!

Hi and thanks a lot for your reply.

To start with, yes I have been in the middle of a depressive crisis on the past few weeks, for this and other matters, that's why I posted it here.

I can relate to a lot of what you said here, the feelings of inferiority, of not being good enough when compared to others, it is all related.. this mostly why I don't feel like a woman when compared to girls my age who are married and mothers already..

It is an issue that affects me deeply and makes me have very small self esteem and gets me depressed all the time, with suicidal thoughts as well.

Then maybe it would help to change your thoughts. Have you tried cognitive behavioral therapy?

You're only 24. I think that is kind of young to be married and have kids. Most women nowadays go to college, work, so they don't get married until their late 20s/early 30s. When I was 24 I was not worried at all! The thought of having kids seemed overwhelming to me (it still does).

Besides, being married and having kids is not a warranty of maturity or happiness. If we're not happy and in peace with ourselves, a marriage or motherhood won't change that.

I think you need to re-examine your beliefs. First, why are you so uncomfortable about being single at 24? Do you believe it means you're not mature enough or attractive enough?

Well in my family I am the oldest girl to ever be single .. all women married before my age.. my own mother married at 19.. so I'm kind of the weird one for not having a husband yet (and I am getting older as my grandmother says).

All girls that went to school with me, again my age, are married or in a relationship. More than half of them have kids already. They have their houses, cars, husbands, kids.. and I am still living with grandmother and never even had a boyfriend..

I know this doesn't mean they are happy, but at least they are doing something with their life, and doing things as they would be. My grandma keeps telling me I am a shame that I couldn't get a husband LOL and I won't get one as I get older..

In my society yes women get married young. 99% of the people I meet ask me if I am married.. it's normal..

I am unconfortable because I am feeling like I am not a proper girl, that I will never become a woman, and have a husband or kids. Sometimes I tell myself I should accept the first guy that talks to me so I can get married finally.. and this has caused me to get into something with a bad guy recently who did very nasty things to me, sexually and emotionally speaking..

So .. honestly, deep inside, I do want to be alone. But I cannot stand with everyone telling me I'm weird or not good enough and no man will want me when I am old blah blah..

I see. So it is mostly because of what other people say that you feel inadequate. Have you considered moving to another city? Or just moving to a different home/neighborhood?

Maybe you should avoid people that are negative like that. or if you can't avoid them, prepare a polite but firm reply. For instance, say something like "no, I'm single and happy, better than divorced or unhappily married" or "I don't have time right now; I'm focused on college/my career".

If that doesn't work, heck just say you're meeting men but none has met your expectations.

I think after a while they will give up asking and matter their own business.

As per your need for meaning in your life, what about getting it from school, a job, volunteering to help others, friends, or just enjoying life?

I am unemployed, I have a lot of issues, I am not capable to move elsewhere, I could never survive without my family, wether they are bad or good people..

I just wish people would stop interfering with my life. It sucks.. if I don't want a boyfriend, nor get married, it's no ones business right? But my grandma thinks women are nothing and must get a husband or you get badmouthed in the town etc..

I am going through a very bad period in my life, and the fact I turn 25 in a few months is already depressing me very badly..

I wish there was a way I could tell people it's okay to be single and not have a boyfriend, even if you are getting old (yes 25 is old to my country's standards).. and it doesn't make you a loser or a lesbian (some say) or whatever..

Basically in my town, if you're not married max by 25 you are ugly, you have a problem so men don't pick you, you like women or you are a prostitute... yeah people still think like this in 2012 LOL

Well, do you believe those things? I'm sure you know women less attractive than you who are married and single women who are 25 or older who are not prostitutes, etc.

If you can't move, you need to develop a strategy to protect your emotional health from the influence of these people. For starters, can you avoid people (other than the family you live with) who are mean? They are toxic and you don't have to be exposed to them if you don't want to.

With your family, have you tried being open and letting them know how much it hurts you when they they say those things? How much it affects your mental health?

If you can't work right now, can you volunteer somewhere? I think being at home exposed to negative messages about yourself and with nothing to give meaning to your life and make you feel valuable--that reinforces depression. You have all this time to live in your head and worry and you have nothing to be proud of yourself for.

I think it would help you a lot to find something meaningful to dedicate your time, energy and talent to.

I'm 19 & I feel in between of being a girl & a woman. Or feel like "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman". My circumstances are different though. I, like you, have depression & self-esteem issues but I don't think that has that much of an impact as you may think. I think I'm mature in certain things & still reliant on others with other things which takes away from my age. I think you'll come to that realization when you reach the time you feel like a woman.

I agree with Elsa. We often think in black and white when we are depressed, but life is more often gray. We are dependent for certain things and independent for others; ahead of our age for some tasks and behind our age for others. Our depression/emotional issues may affect which areas we mature more slowly in, but it doesn't mean that we are generally less mature than other people because they might be less mature in areas that our emotional issues don't affect as much.

Great insight--thanks!

So basically the fact that I still am not dating/engaged/married and having kids, doesn't make me less of a woman than the people who have this?

I am not imature, I know that. Ok I like to wear my braids sometimes, eat my lolipops and roll on the floor with children, but I have been raising my brothers alone since I was 17, I have been working and paying bills.. I am not an imature kid, but the fact that I don't have a life of my own makes me feel like I am not a woman either.

It's the way people look at me like "wtf you're almost 25, you're not married? what's wrong with you?".. and I wonder what's wrong with me a lot of times too..

Thank you girls, for taking the time to reply and for helping out :)

I'm just about to turn 23, and I feel the same way. I still feel like a small, scared little girl getting picked on at school. I still feel like the late-bloomer, the awkward phase, all that crap. But I see how much I've changed- physically I've lost 30lbs in the last 4 years, grew into my curves a little, and grew my hair out... but when I look in the mirror I still struggle to see myself as I am... not as the scared, overweight girl who tried to kill herself in highschool. But--- I'm working on it. And I believe that when I eventually get out of my own current depressive crisis, I might finally be able to see myself as a woman.

i'm 33 and still feel more like a child than a women. i prefer the term 'lady'. it doesn't have as many 'grownup' connotations as women but still shows i'm not a child. i don't know when/if i'll ever feel like a normal adult or a women..

Sounds like to me you are the smart one. Getting married before 25 is almost unheard of these days. My daughter use to hurt over this. I would tell her to be patient, all good things come with time. For now, enjoy yourself. Go be a girl or whoever you feel like, it will attract the right person when it is time.

May I add that my daughter is now 28, married, working, has 3 children and very satisfied with her life. Hang on, don't give up hope, your time is coming.

(at 24 I was pretty much still a girl too! Enjoy it. The struggles of adult life will hit you before you know it.) I think I was 26 before I got married. If you ask me, that was way to soon. lol

I understand and I kind of agree with everyone, but in my culture and in my country women do get married very early. 99% of the people I talk to ask me if I am married.. and then comes the "why not" surprise?

I don't even want to get married, if I am really honest. But society puts that weight on you, that if you do not get married or have kids, you are not a woman. All women in my family married before 25. My mother married at 18.. before she was even 30 she had 4 kids already.

It just sucks cause if you are not like others, people assume I have some problem so men don't want me, or I am not pretty, or I am a lesbian LOL.. and it deeply affects my self esteem and makes me feel really depressed..

Not sure if this is the same. But I'm 42 and I have wondered in the past when am I going to feel like a woman?

I got married when I was 17, have a daughter, I can't even believe I'm this OLD!But inside I still feel like I am a girl. Maybe it has something to do with growing up in a dysfunctional home, where I was the parent for as long as I can remember. Growing up to young and to fast altered my view of myself. Perhaps having to be over responsible in some way stunted my mental growth.

Maybe in a way I have "Peter Pan syndrome" I just don't want to grow up. Don't get me wrong I own my own company my bills are paid in full on time every month I am one of the most responsible peple you'd ever meet. I do everything I'm "supposed" to do and then some.

But inside I still feel like I'm not there yet. I too still feel like a little girl trying to figure out who she is. In a way...what's wrong with that?
I don't want to get old and grey and decrepid (lol). Maybe like me you need more fun in your life. More freedom and joy. I think that is what it is with me. I missed out on most of life's fun as a kid, as a teen & in my 20's.

I am still searching for me. I have no idea who I am apart from all the baggage, the dysfunction and abusers in my life. I think that's ok, maybe one day I'll get there.

Not sure if any of that even made sense.