Ok, so I know I may be sounding like a broken record but it is just not getting easier. I've been depressed, I mean really, clinically depressed, and outside of that I am having the worst pain I've ever had. I broke up with my fiance in July and I just don't feel whole without him. It was a huge mistake. I don't know if he will take me back. We spend some time together but he doesn't know if he will take me back. Meanwhile I am hurting so much. I know I shouldn't have broken his heart but I really don't think I deserve all this pain. At the same time, maybe I do. And, maybe, if I endure enough pain I will get him back. I know that sounds stupid but I feel like if I keep hurting like this that I will earn him back. That sounds so ridiculous I know. I just don't know if I can live without him. I mean, I know my heart will go on beating if he decides not to take me back, but it's going to hurt, even more than it does now. And I don't know if I can handle that. I keep thinking of ways to end it if he doesn't take me back. They are horrible thoughts and incredibly selfish, but if I'm in this much pain now, how much will I be in if he decides he doesn't want me back? I honestly didn't know I had this many tears. My stomach feels like its in knots constantly. It really hurts.
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