I’m really struggling. I skipped work Tuesday. I had a panic attack on the way there. I went in today. Still absolutely terrified, but I did alright. I like my job and the people I work with. Well, as much as I can, with my emotions being so bad. Point is, the job isn’t the problem. For some reason I got really low tonight. So anxious. About work and school. Especially school. It’s almost finals week. I don’t know what I’m gonna do. I have no motivation. I’ve missed this whole week. I’m so depressed. It’s so hard finding joy in nothing. Not only that, but feeling just the greatest emotional pain in the pit of my stomach. I wish I could describe this feeling, but I can’t. It’s just depression. I’m still hanging in there. I don’t feel s**cidal at all, which surprises me, given how bad I feel. I guess I’m just still hopeful that things will get better and it will be worth the wait. I think I’m going to call my GP tomorrow to refer me to a psychiatrist, which I really didn’t want to do but at this point, I don’t see any other option. The worst part is having no one to talk to. I know there are people here and strangers on the internet to reach out to, but I just wish I knew someone in person who could help me. I’m alright. Just so down.
I think we are destined for the life we have. I am worn out and ready to move on and be done. I am not a benefit to daily life and I have had enough. Not sure why life is like this but many folks have had harder times than I have had.
The person I loved the most hurt me in the worst way possible. I can’t even bare the pain anymore, I don’t know what to do or where to turn. I’m always there for everyone else during hard times, but who’s there for me? Sometimes when I think about suicide I think about leaving a note. A note letting him know he’s the reason for everything, I just want him to hurt as bad as I am.