Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Not having a good day. Went to the VA Clinic to renew some head meds, they wanted to talk to me first. Well my usual doctor is off with a medical problem, so get a sub that dwells on my past, digging up old memories and feelings along the way. Its all in the computer records, but thats a novel by itself.
Talking about previous suicidal/homicidal intent isnt easy to talk about. That was in 86 when I admitted myself into a 30-day rehab and came out a different person, at least understanding where all the anger was coming from. Go home and by now its past noon and drink a 40 oz of beer (I usually save that for after dinner). I put on Madonnas Ray of Light CD and get weepy and then by 4:30 realize I have yoga tonight! Im too buzzed, so sleep for over an hour, as the class is physically exerting and in my condition there was no way I was going to make it.
So I go pick up my daughter, we keep other motivated this way and she asks me if I heard the news and I hadnt done so since the morning, which is my usual routine when I first get on the net. Apparently this guy who is bipolar killed his wife and two kids, then went over to two other neighbors houses and started shooting them! One teen running from the scene who was killed also happened to be a friend of my daughters friends son, so it just got real personal as I know them! The last I heard seven people were killed in all.
Adding to that was the fact the killer was still at large. During the yoga class we could hear police sirens, two and three at a time tearing down the street. Come to find out after the class, that they found him holed up in a house blocks away from the class, but had lost contact with him. Someone from the GR Parks and Recreation Dept kept the door locked and watched the parking lot and everyone had to figure out how to go around a large perimeter that sealed off all traffic coming and going, even the expressway along side the church we meet at. The idea that he could be loose and ready to kill at random with this 40 caliber semiautomatic weapon, was to say the least unsettling. Ill get over it; it just takes time like everything else. Ill tell you, greeting my dogs on my return took on a whole new meaning
I ask for healing and prayers for all those affected by this horrible and unprecedented event that has occured in this great city of Grand Rapids
7 July 6, 2011
Talking about previous suicidal/homicidal intent isnt easy to talk about. That was in 86 when I admitted myself into a 30-day rehab and came out a different person, at least understanding where all the anger was coming from. Go home and by now its past noon and drink a 40 oz of beer (I usually save that for after dinner). I put on Madonnas Ray of Light CD and get weepy and then by 4:30 realize I have yoga tonight! Im too buzzed, so sleep for over an hour, as the class is physically exerting and in my condition there was no way I was going to make it.
So I go pick up my daughter, we keep other motivated this way and she asks me if I heard the news and I hadnt done so since the morning, which is my usual routine when I first get on the net. Apparently this guy who is bipolar killed his wife and two kids, then went over to two other neighbors houses and started shooting them! One teen running from the scene who was killed also happened to be a friend of my daughters friends son, so it just got real personal as I know them! The last I heard seven people were killed in all.
Adding to that was the fact the killer was still at large. During the yoga class we could hear police sirens, two and three at a time tearing down the street. Come to find out after the class, that they found him holed up in a house blocks away from the class, but had lost contact with him. Someone from the GR Parks and Recreation Dept kept the door locked and watched the parking lot and everyone had to figure out how to go around a large perimeter that sealed off all traffic coming and going, even the expressway along side the church we meet at. The idea that he could be loose and ready to kill at random with this 40 caliber semiautomatic weapon, was to say the least unsettling. Ill get over it; it just takes time like everything else. Ill tell you, greeting my dogs on my return took on a whole new meaning
I ask for healing and prayers for all those affected by this horrible and unprecedented event that has occured in this great city of Grand Rapids
7 July 6, 2011
peace friend.
Please be with Great2BAlive, her family, friends, and all those effected by that huge tragedy.
Amen
I'm concerned about your response to the fumbling substitute doctor you had to see this morning, but I have to say that it's probably very normal to have the response you had to something already unsettling for complete strangers to bother you so deeply once it hits a little closer to home. :( Just please take care of yourself over the next few days (well, take care of yourself always, but especially so now).
I dont fault the psychiatrist* who was trying to compile a quick glimpse into many of the factors that bought on my condition beginning with my first full blown and terrifying hallucination around age 11. I couldnt talk to my Catholic mother who would just send me to confession, because I must of done something bad Im not telling her about. The primary cause of my Schizophrenia I believe was part of my upbringing, I still have issues with authority, especially if I find them incompetent and not real smart in my view like bosses. The second was from a toxic exposure to DDT, which was commonly sprayed to control mosquitoes. There was a large wooded swamp about two blocks away while growing up on Long Island, NY (NYC suburb) and my friend and I would follow the truck imagining it was a smoke screen and we were playing war.
Last night I was unsuccessfully trying to numb myself, but it didnt work. I attended a candlelight prayer vigil downtown for the public to show their support. My main focus is to stay in touch with my feeling nature and allow my emotions of sadness and such to slowly dissolve the pain and hurt that still lingers inside. In a way I feel like Im still in shock, its all too surreal as it played out like an action movie.
He started downtown shooting at a woman, then at spectators, two shots through the windshield of a guy that cut him off, as he was driving recklessly. An officer responding to the call tried to ram his Lincoln Towncar in front of the police station no less and shot twice again through the windshield, a couple of blocks later wounds his passenger and they get out of the car. From there he literally went hunting for his ex g/fs who all had a restraining order on him, which were in two locations and from there he was heading in all directions on two different expressways, at times against oncoming traffic. He looses control of the Lincoln as his tires are punctured, hits a thick stand of trees and flees to a house that he breaks into and holds three hostages. He calls 911 and gives them his location and it was midnight when he shot himself in the head. During the chases this terrorist was randomly spraying bullets towards people and police with no regard for their life. By the grace of God there were no serious injuries on the road or those he victimized with non-life threatening injuries. The 40-caliber semi he used will easily pierce a car door or go through two walls of a house at the relatively short distances he was making contact with.
The doc did switch my meds around in an attempt to eliminate the nightly horror show I go through, which is where and when my symptoms find an outlet. The rest of the day Im generally fine and my depression is well under control.
*Its regular protocol to screen patients regarding suicidal or homicidal thoughts and thats what led into the last time in 86 I seriously planned on doing such a thing. The doctors have to dig deep with probing questions, as were talking about guys like myself who have had extensive M16 semiautomatic training and if in a crisis theyll send you to Battle Creek and the psych hospital day or night, plus theres a hotline for veterans, thats on a refrigerator magnet. I know my triggers and red flags and wouldnt hesitate to seek help if for example Im not trusting my own judgment. Before and during the divorce I was in crisis mode a number of times and headed down to the local clinic to get a reality check and add more medications or dosages; along with talking things out. Now its just an annual debriefing. I didnt intend to rattle on like this, so sue me :- 0
Thank you all again for your prayerful and social support; Im a firm believer in the power of prayer and my life has been a testament to it. I dont think Id otherwise be alive, I guess youd call it divine intervention the universe has a plan for me and Ill just watch it unfold for now and take some more deep breathes, LOL.