Depression Support Group
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I was just wondering peoples' thoughts on this idea of normalcy. I'm not sure what to think about it.
When I was younger, before I really had good therapy and treatment, my brothers' friends would wager a guess as to whether I would end up in a mental institution. I'm sure my thought process was really disorganized and confused.
Later, I did. Four times. I ended up being treated for both depression and bipolar, and after doing some pretty outrageous things, I was prescribed with antipsychotics and have been on them ever since, without fail. I've done intensive therapy and life coaching, and I decided at some point that if I was going to have any friends at all, date, or work, that I was going to have to compartmentalize aspects of myself, not reveal certain things, traumas, to many other people, especially to those without mental illness, otherwise I would have no friends at all (for a long time I didn't). I think I was just too weird to relate to. I have had some friends for the past ten years or so, but I've carefully compartmentalized many aspects of my life, such as abuse, trauma, etc. Doing this has enabled me to maintain relationships, where I was not able to before. I learned pretty early on that most people can't handle the brunt of trauma, dysregulation, etc, so I shield people from it.
My friends have no idea that I have been inpatient four times, they were not there when I made an attempt. They don't know about the S/A that I went through. Many of them have never met my parents-and that is on purpose. They know my background is one of domestic violence, but they have no idea of the details.
I was in a conversation with one of my closest friends, and I was talking about coming from a dysfunctional background (she doesn't know my diagnosis). She said, "But you're such a normal person." I told her that no, I was not.
I just didn't know what to make of it. I thought, either my symptoms are in remission, I am really good at compartmentalizing and living a double life, or she is not perceptive.
I felt like such a fraud and an impostor, and like she really didn't know me at all, and that I have fooled everyone. I wager a guess if she knew me years ago she would want nothing to do with me and see me completely differently-I mean no one else did.
I just don't know what to make of that statement. I think I'd rather people see me the way that I really am, both when I am sick and times when I appear "normal" (on meds), otherwise I don't think that people truly know the real me.
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I invited Bill to have dinner with me last Sunday. He wasn't willing to drive 7 hours to mid Michigan and teased me with his beautiful ribs!!! So, of course I ate alone and had cedar salmon
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check out that smoke ring. It tasted really good. I smothered it with Maulls BBQ sauce which is Local to St. Louis and one of the best I ever had.....
That said, as someone who has spent time inpatient, and in therapy for my entire adult life, I understand the desire to compartmentalization.
It’s always up to you who and when you share your life with, if ever.
Recently, in therapy I’ve been working on being more authentic. I chose to tell my best friend of 18 years a bit about my trauma history and I couldn’t believe how well it was received. Really, I shouldn’t have been surprised. I mean, we’ve been friends for so long and if she didn’t care about me she would have bailed on me years ago.
I guess I’m mentioning that story to let you know that sometimes a carefully planned risk can be well worth it
A lot of people have lived very sheltered lives, are very naive when it comes to hearing about abuse, they just don't get it.
I have had many hospitalizations and have been on meds for years.
I have endured a lot of abuse in my life.
I don't think there *is* a "Normal"...i think most people put up a good front for fear of being judged or abandoned...my ex best friend totally abandoned me when i reached out to her for support about my eating disorder...
So, we bottle things up, push our emotions down, smile, say, "I'm good." when asked how we are doing, because we know we are not going to get the support and validation we so desperatly need.
You have survived so much, and come out of it being a good person, where you could have ended up choking on bitterness.
There is no "Normal"...my social anxiety lies to me that i am not normal, am an outsider.
Really, everyone we pass on the street could be hiding something, could be really struggling with something, but afraid to reach out for help.
Do you have a good therapist who validates you, and makes you feel like you are of value, like you matter, acknowleges your suffering?
I hope so....please don't pass judgement on yourself.
And please keep expressing your feelings, many of us were simply not permitted to express anger or sadness.
Expressing your feelings is what "Normal" should look like, and i wish we lived in a world where more people felt safe to do that.
Peace and hugs to you.
I do know many of us alcoholics and drug addicts feel like we are fakes and frauds all the time....imagine me a teacher in public schools with my background in psych wards? Yup I taught in public and private schools many years.....feeling like a fraud a lot there too.....anyway it is not uncommon feeling....so call that normal...LOL