I'm glad you're on here, and I am sorry to hear how much pain you are clearly in. Are you seeing a therapist? That is often a good place t start; if seeing someone in-person is not doable right now, there are some online therapy options; 7 cups of tea is the one with which I'm most familiar, but there are problably others. Everyone helps each other on here, and you are definitely not alone. A lot of people are going through similar things. If you ever want to talk, you can always message me :-)

Its a pretty common experience in anxiety to have these kinds of racing thoughts. You are not crazy, and you are not alone. For me it feels almost like a frustration and a constant ticking and loop of thoughts, trying to work things out in my mind, trying to fix things, or just wishing that things were different. Someone once said to me that depression and anxiety are nearly always about looking back, or looking forwards in time, rather than concentrating on what is happening in the moment. I guess it is where the practice of mindfulness comes in, and being in the moment rather than focusing on what may or may not happen, or what could have been and being self critical. With this said is there any outlet, whether creative, social, physical, entertaining and mood changing (like watching comedy), basically anything that you can do that will bring your thoughts back into the present moment? I found that I have to force myself to do anything, and for me my outlet is painting. When I do paint, however, (even if I don't want to) it takes my mind off things as I'm focusing on the action, it gives me a sense of purpose, and later on it gives me something to talk about to others. Its a temporary solution but consider just doing something (maybe that you have lost interest in) for the sake of doing something. The other thing is, if you are not already, talking to a psychologist about what you are feeling. It can be a release, act as a form of social support, and they can also help you question your beliefs about yourself and why they are there.

I am so very sorry that things are not going well for you right now. But on the 'good side' you have some very specific things that are bothering you. Red47640 had a very good suggestion in getting therapy. A good therapist should be able to help you take those concerns and evaluate them.

You can address those concerns in several ways. They may be "valid" concerns, in which case you need to find ways to alleviate them. They may be "invalid" concerns, in which case you need to find ways to purge them.

You mentioned being gay, and thinking that God is angry with you over this. Some religions actively reinforce the notion that gay is bad; other religions have the notion that gay is inconsequential. If faith is important to you, then please consider finding a faith that accepts you as you are, and then explore that faith more to see if it is a fit for you.

I see that you are new to DS, and I'd like to welcome you! My name is Pepper, and I am one of the user moderators here on DS. I am assigned to the depression group, so if there are any questions about DS that I can help with please feel free to send me a PM.

thank you all so so much for your kindness, compassion, and concern. it means so much to me. i feel less alone :)

Hello Purple,
Love your username!
Like others here, I'm sorry you're in such a rough place. I've had experience with many of the things you're dealing with. What people have shared here sound like excellent suggestions.
Do you have support, such as an occupational therapist for your OCD? I know it can be debilitating and aggravate things while trying to deal with the other issues.
If you're young, it can be incredibly challenging to learn to accept yourself when feeling unsupported by a community. When we're older, we can feel incredibly lonely if we haven't developed self-acceptance and feel a sense of belonging.
We can start small, like getting counseling and sharing here.
I'm new here, but not new to self-growth and learning better ways to nurture myself.
So grateful you found your way here!

hi there purple jellyfish.


Anxiety does make us hate on ourselves something shocking, but we have to take a step back and ask ourselves if we're letting ourselves run away with ourselves. You have to stop and say 'hang on, let's be fair here.'

as to god hating you for being gay; I think if he hated people for being gay he would have got his son, Jesus, to say something about gayness.

But instead, all Jesus talked about was hypocrisy, and judgmentalness, and fair play and compassion. So... doesn't seem like Jesus thought it was too big a deal.

When in doubt go with what Jesus says. he is, after all, The Dude.

I, too, am so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time dealing with your homosexuality and your faith. God is love. He does not hate anybody - not a single person. He created each and every one of us, including you, and He did so in order to have a relationship with us. I encourage you to continue to seek God out. Ask Him to help you to understand His will for your life. I'm glad you shared with us and are not feeling as alone as your original post. We all benefit from sharing with each other. There's lots of love here!