this is the right place for venting and dumping out everything thats been bothering you. I've never taken meds for my depression but only because I dont want to take the chance of them making me feel worse and going through a waste of money. I do however know how hard the struggle is when it comes to have your mind split in two about what to do next. Give in or keep fighting?
I kept fighting because I have people who care about me and I promised quite a few I would never stop trying. On my worst days I stop, take a step back and think. What triggered me today? just another chemical imbalance or is there something I need to vent about? Should I go for a walk, watch something funny or paint for a bit?
Find whatever makes you calm down and feel content then stick to it. if you need someone to talk to I'd be happy to listen.

I don't know what to say, but thank you. I've battled this for so long. I'm losing the energy. By all accounts this was a good day, but I don't have the energy anymore.

for me I didn't really confront the logic behind the issue of killing myself until I had worked out exactly how I was going to do it.

I had to work out how, and get that 'out of the way' before I could really confront with any honesty or intelligence whether I was going to go ahead and do this or not.

I had complicated parameters. I had flatmates and it was exam time. I had to have an accident. A suicide wouldn't be fair. I didn't know at the time you can get aegrotat if your flatmate tops him/herself.

So i figured it out.

And then I had to start confronting why I didn't want to live. What it was about my life that I was throwing my whole life away for. What the issues were that were underneath the issues that were underneath the issues that were underneath this desire for death. This strong, desperate desire for death.

I was in my early 20s. I don't have to tell you the whole story: but I do have to tell you that you have to figure this out for real, once and for all. Go to bed and refuse to get out again until a full and funcitoning RATIONAL AND SENSIBLE decision has been reached about how your life is going to go forward. Will you change your life, or will you kill yourself and not have to bother?

If you decide to bother: what are the issues you will confront? how will you resolve them?

Your life is intolerable to you. Do you understand that? That's the bottom line. You need to know why it's intolerable to you and then you need to set about fixing all of those discrete issues that make up this desire.

You have to confront it. You can't just medicate your problems away. You have to grow bigger than them. You have to grow. Or die. Whichever you end up going with.

You're in the right place to dump whatever you want. I have fought depression for a lot of years but I'm now doing much better with faith, medication, therapy, a good support group, and supportive family and new friends. I have found the right combination of medicines that help. It also helps me to take small, specific steps every day towards a larger goal. That way I refuse to be controlled by feelings or toxic thoughts. That helps build a healthier mindset of going forward. Wishing you the best .

I agree with minidogs2. At first I didn't realise what was wrong with me. Once I accepted that I have depression and anxiety I can begin to help myself. I personally need medication on a daily basis and when I have episodes I add in different med's to help the main one work better. Usually takes me about a week to start feeling "normal" again. If you don't have friends and family that understand then reach out to us that do. You don't have to do this alone. Depression is always going to be there waiting to smack us down, but you can get through it even when you feel you can't.