I've been with my current therapist about five or six months. It's been helpful for sure, but I might take some time off. The therapist is an intern and seems pretty skilled. I'm learning about different techniques to help myself. Problem is though, no one knows your life better than you do. There are some things that I've brought up to her and I just don't agree with her stance.  I have held certain perceptions of people and situations, and she's challenged these perceptions. I've proceeded forward based on her advice, and gotten really freaking burned.  Part of me blames her. I feel angry at her, even though technicallly it's not her fault how the situation turned out.  What really infuriates me is that she's not directly in my situation and not dealing with what I am. And it proves that  "the answers are within you."

I started going back to my 12 step group, which I think has helped.  My job is an absolute, total disaster, I should have been gone a year ago, but all of my applications have been rejected (150) and my interviews have gone sideways (due to interviewer not showing).  Things have spiraled out of control so badly it might result in something really bad, like me losing my teaching license. We've got a new supervisor at work and in my opinion she is absolutely batshit.  I teach high school, and a lot of kids are submitting stolen work. She's told me almost on the threat of losing my job that if I don't accept fake, stolen work from the internet I might get in trouble or face losing my position-it's been implied. She said that people above her agree with her. Problem with this is-if one of these kids gets evaluated for Special Ed and they pull a writing sample, which they often do, people will quickly realze the work is totally bogus and start to look at me funny. Grades will ultimately not match state test scores, which I can guarantee will be very low.  Kids will get scholarships based on stolen work and bogus diplomas, and when they finally have to write college entrance essays, etc. it will all come out. We are giving the ACT on campus and I can bet you the scores will not match their actual grades. Parents will find out, as well as college admissions, etc. I feel this could end my career. After all, since the work is online, there is no need for me at all, you could just sit at home and cut and paste.

Explosions, screaming, etc, have become the norm at work. There was yet another screaming fit on the part of my boss, pulling us in to this lunch meeting for more shouting and berating at everyone, and then she started in on me in the middle of it. I don't even know half of what she is talking about.  If I quit now I won't have summer money, and I work paychek to paycheck.  All I can think about is the worst, ideation, how I just don't want to be here anymore, how would rather just not wake up tomorrow. I can't deal with not having the cash, I see homeless people everywhere.  Talking to my therapist is becoming circular. I feel like she's detached from reality, she's sitting there smiling and being super positive, and not checked into reality. She says it's all negativity and negative thinking, yet  I think she forgot to watch the news to see about all the tech layoffs, which is the direction I'm trying to go. I realize now, after 150-200 applications and a year that it's not happening. Not today at least.  For her to sit there and just smile away makes me disrespect her because she obviously has no idea what she's talking about. People in the industry I want to get into warned me off not even to try this year, and to just go back to school and wait until all these layoffs end.  It's pointless to go there every week and hear fake positive bullshit when I think I have a handle on reality, however bleak. There have been articles written about how depressed people may actually see things slightly clearer in some cases, because they are in touch with cold facts.  it's a cycle of go there every week, talk about the same thing, no change. Meanwhile I'm on the verge of losing my job, our boss was screaming last week at lunch that she was basiclally going to fire everyone in the room now. She's a bitch.

I went back to my 12 step meeting this week, for some reason this works a lot better for me. I don't know where my higher power has been in all of this, and it was a very emotional meeting, but there was a lot of recovery going on.  We all got together to say the prayer at the end, and I left to go hiking after. Amazingly, my former co worker passed me on the trail.  He was a great guy, a social worker who kept me together physiclally and mentally when he was there. I have often thought to myself recently, "God, I wish he was here now."

He said that the place was a hot mess, that he did a lot for the student population, that they didn't care, and one of our former bosses said he should not be there. Really sad. He was one of the only people I could count on. He moved on to a much better job and is making good money. He took my number and said he will talk to his supervisor and get me an interview and and application Monday. He was worried about me.

I am taking it as a sign that I ran into him on the hiking trail. I hadn't thought of going to work in Probation, but it might be a good job while I try to take classes and while we ride out the economy. I think I might take a brief break from counseling next week. I don't need someone who is going to sit there and smile away feeding me with more lies and steer me right off a cliff.