You need to call your doctor or a suicide hotline or a friend and talk through this right now.

Put the knife away.

You are an incredibly brave and strong individual for choosing life despite the pain that overwhelms you. Give yourself some credit. You have managed to get through each day so far. Your strength will carry you through today.

I already put the knife away as I wasnt using it. I have no friends to call.

>> I suffer from OCD and depression.

Are you in treatment for these disorders??? If not .. you MUST get into treatment. BOTH are 'treatable' ... and untreated, they can be deadly.

For now .. call a suicide hotline and talk to them. Just talk .. as you did in your post.

http://www.suicidehotlines.com/pennsylvania.html

http://www.who-inc.org/HelpYou/mental-health.htm

I am in treatment. My shrink and councelor know I wish I were dead but I have told them I wouldnt kill myself. I have already put the knife away. I am way to cowardly to go through with it. I lack the guts to do so.

Hey, I've been thinking about suicide on and off since I was 15. I am 45 now. That is 30 years. I am obviously too much of a coward to go through with it or I would have by now. Didnt mean to worry everyone. Just feeling like I cant take the mental pain anymore.

When I used to think of suicide, .. I finally asked myself "Are ya gonna do it or not??". I gave it all the thought I could .. and came up with 'NO'. Once I ruled it out .. it never came up again .. I was able to laugh at the idea.

I'm going to die someday. I can wait.

All the time spent contemplating suicide .. if spent otherwise might change things. Yes ... there are many negatives in life ... but there are as many or MORE positives. When a negative comes to mind, chase it away with a positive .. thought and/or action.

It is really not hard to do. Spend your time solving what you can, coping with what you cannot, and know that what you cannot fix NOW, you probably can later. Then .. spend some time CELEBRATING the things you HAVE solved.

Ending one's life is simply NOT ON THE TABLE ... not an option ... not a possibility. Give all that negative time to the trashcan .. and DWELL in the positive ... both actively and passively.

Give yourself a break.

I agree that you need to seek professional help. Remind yourself that if you hang things could improve even though you cannot yet see how . Sometimes we just have to live this moment, the this moment... to get through the day. I have been where you are inside yourself and know how painful it can be.x