Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

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mrsramz17 09/13/2017

Hi everyone, I just joined this site today in hopes of finding some advice to help me save my marriage.

A little about us (him): we have been together since freshman year, going on 14 yrs in December. Married for 3 yrs. We do not have children. His mother left him and his 4 brothers with their dad when he was 8 and they never heard from her again. His dad was physically abusive (would beat them with golf clubs, power tools, punches, etc.). I would have never known that if he hadn't told me because in school he was active in sports, popular and one of the funniest guys in school. When he opened up to me, we were still in high school. I knew about his depression and thoughts of suicide but I loved him so much that I wanted to try and make things work anyway. We moved in together fairly young (17 or 18) and we had our share of problems in the beginning. Fights, physical/verbal abuse, threats of killing himself if I left him, etc., and eventually I gave him an ultimatum. He needed to change or I would leave. I packed my things and was ready to go and he swore up and down that he would never harm me again. That was about 7 years ago and kept his word. He actually changed! All this time he had been a great support system and loving husband. He had a few lapses of depression here and there when things got rough but he kept his promise.

Things had been great but for the past couple of month, his depression has gotten the best of him. We have hit a rough patch financially and it seems like it's one thing after another. He is in a really dark place and I don't know what to do. He hates himself, the fact that he can't provide for us because of an accident we were involved in that left his back in really bad shape, he's always irritable or sad, feeling hopeless and has even mentioned suicide, which scares the crap out of me. His attitude flips like a light switch from one moment to the next over the tiniest things EVER. I try to be as supportive as possible and remain positive but it is wearing me out. I have been crying all day since I left the house and even here at work I have had to go to the restroom to cry it out because I can't hold it in. He will have his little mood swings and then I try and move past it, not even acknowledging it, and continuing like everything is normal. Yes, sometimes I do get upset at the things he says or does but he expects me not to have any sort of reaction whatsoever to his tantrums. When I try to talk to him about his feelings, he shuts me out. I asked him to seek counseling and he flat out refuses. Today, he spoke words to me that cut pretty deep. He said that all of this, his feelings, his hopelessness, thoughts of suicide, were my fault. That I didn't really care what he was going through and that I was a "wolf in sheeps clothing." It hurt me so badly to hear him say that when I have stuck it out with him through EVERYTHING. I just don't know what to do anymore. Things are not right between us and it is an ugly feeling. I have no one to talk to about this who won't judge me or our situation. I honestly don't know what I'm looking to hear but I'm hoping someone can give me some pointers on how to get past this.

suicidal 09/13/2017

I wish I had some advise for you, I think it's amazing you've been together for so long and from so early on and that you've been so supportive of him but sometimes it's really hard to admit you need help, I haven't really been able to. You should definitely talk to him about how this is making you feel, I'm sure he didn't mean it but blaming you is not ok.

OLDBIKER 09/13/2017

He needs to go see a Dr. about his depression. Evidently, this accident was a trigger for his depression to return with the vengeance it has. That's the way depression works. He need not be ashamed or too proud to take medication. I was diagnosed in 1995 and have been on medication ever since. It may take the Drs. a while to find out what works for him. They changed my medication 4 or 5 times before they found the right one. Counseling can help as well but, you say he refuses to do that. Some people are rather private about themselves and counseling makes them feel vulnerable. I am here if you have questions.

Ren10 09/13/2017

I'm not sure what to say to you, except that speaking as a person who suffers from depression. Quite frankly, it's a deep dark place to be. You just feel so angry, such deep sadness. The really bad days feel so hopeless. It's just horrible. I find that I do take out my frustration on my husband at times. I think your husband loves you and wants to be better. It's such a struggle at times, you just get tired. He should not take it out on you, and you are not to blame. He knows that. You don't deserve that. Just keep trying to encourage him to get help. I wish the best for you both!

WanderingVet 09/13/2017

"he flat out refuses"

Advise you to talk to a divorce lawyer. This is not likely to improve.

Heidiclark 09/14/2017

I guess at some point you need to make a decision whether or not it's worth the struggle to keep going with your husband or whether it's time to move on. Sorry for your difficulties.

GOLDHEART 09/15/2017

HELLO, I READ YOUR STORY WITH SO MUCH SADNESS.
YOU HAVE BEEN VERY BRAVE TO GET TO NOW & HAVE EVERY REASON TO FEEL SO ALONE AND IT IS DEPRESSION YOU ARE SUFFERING NOW.
THE TONGUE IS THE SHARPEST WEAPON WE HAVE IN OUR BODY, WHAT WE SAY, CAN'T BE PUT BACK.
AND WHAT HAS BEEN SAID IS VERY HATEFULL.
I MAY BE WRONG, BUT I THINK THAT WHAT GOES ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS, STAYS THERE. YOU ARE TO EMBARRESSED TO TALK.
I NEVER SAY TO A PERSON TO LEAVE HOME, WITHOUT TRYING ALL STEPS TO FIX THINGS.
BUT TO YOU, I BELIEVE YOU HAVE DONE YOUR BEST TO HELP YOUR HUSBAND, AND HE NOW REFUSES TO SEEK HELP.
SO YOU NEED TO LEAVE.
YOU NEED RESPECT, LOVE, TO BE CARED FOR, & YOU WILL NOT FIND THIS TILL YOU GO. YOU NEED COUNCILLING YOURSELF.
IT IS FRIGHTNING, AND WILL BE TOUGH AT FIRST.
BUT I KNOW THAT AFTER YOU TAKE THE FINAL STEPS TO FREEDOM WHICH MEANS "PEACE"

IT IS THEN UP TO YOUR HUSBAND TO GET HELP, YES HIS PAST HAS BEEN TERRIBLE, BUT IT DID CHANGE, HE GOT YOU AND LOVE SO DEEP IT HAS SCARED HIM.
YOU HAVE GIVEN HIM AN ULTIMATUM TO GO TO COUNCILLING, NOW YOU NEED TO LEAVE AND HOPEFULLY HEALING WILL BEGIN.
DO YOU PRAY ?
I LIKE this example for life.If oh T.V. breaks down, we take it t be fixed. We don't say, put this wire here, turn this knob, put this wire there etc.
WE LEAVE IT TO BE FIXED.SO MANY TIMES WE ASK GOD TO FIX THINGS, BUT WE DON'T LEAVE IT TO HIM, WE TRY AND HELP OUT, DO THIS, DO THAT......ETC.
YET, IF WE JUST LEFT IT,
GOD CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS.
HOPE THIS HELPS, I AM HAPPY TO BE YOUR FRIEND. HOPE

euniceps 09/15/2017

Please seek professional/counseling for yourself since rightly so you are very much emotionally impacted. Also please don’t overlook your spiritual needs: Pour out your heart to God in prayer…it can help calm you. Philippians 4:6,7

dyinginside35 09/15/2017

First im going to commend you on staying with him and making it work or trying to. Alot of times these days people just want to call it quits. I can relate to the self hate, i was abused too and in a way i still am. Its hard to support someone who is depressed but please understand that most depressed people try their best but depression is exhausting 4 everyone involved. Would he go to counseling if you went with him for the support, maybe he thinks hes fime and doesnt need help. I would give him space then try talking to him about counseling or therapy

Bullseye78 09/15/2017

I myself am dealing with horrible, think of not being in this world depression. I feel horrible how this effects me and especially my man. The love of my life. He refuses to give up on me. I tend be be moody, distant, etc. and feeling this way just drives me nuts. He's a great man and doesn't deserve this. Just try to be as supportive as you can. Get him into weekly therapy or a depression group and let him know that u will stand by his side in getting through this. I wish you guys the very best and wish I could help more.

mamie1890 09/15/2017

Hi
I agree with most of the posts above. I seems like your husband is extremely depressed and loathes himself. And he is taking out his severe depression on you. He most definitely needs help. Are there other family members (brothers, sisters, or others) who might be able to step in and help in confronting him? If not then I agree, that you should let him know that you love him BUT you don't know what to do and it is affecting you at work and elsewhere. Offer to go to the doctor with him or call his doctor and tell him/ her about your concerns (the doctor can listen but may not be able give you any information). You can also try NAMI (National Alliance for the Mentally Ill) to get advice. While I truly feel that he is in a major depression, you will find yourself depressed as well if something doesn't change. You may need to go out regularly, even get away for a weekend. Good Luck

mrsramz17 09/15/2017

I would truly like to thank each and every one of you who has replied to my post. I appreciate the feedback from those suffering as well as it gave me a glimpse inside of what is going through your minds and helped me understand a bit more of what he is dealing with. Divorce is not an option, at least not in the immediate future. I love my husband with everything that I have and to abandon him in a time of need would be the last thing I would do. Yes, I understand that this will take it's toll on me, IF I allow it. His family is not the greatest support and they have this "macho" mentality and there is just no talk of anything like this so they are out of the question. As for me, I have already made an appointment with a therapist to see if she can help me deal with this situation a lot better. I do believe that once I start going, he might just join me as well. Today was a fantastic day! almost as if his depressive episode had never come back but I know that this is just part of this sick illness. There will be good and bad days and we just have to roll with it. I will not lose hope!

To those who let me in on what it's like to feel the way he does, my heart goes out to you. I hope that you can find some sort of comfort or seek the help that you need to ease some of the pain that you are feeling. I'm fairly new to this but this place seems like a great support system.

Cora_Belle 09/15/2017

I have been with my depressed husband for 17 years. The best advice I can give you is this..

Don't take it personally. The angry words and actions are his disease, not him.

WanderingVet 09/16/2017

You are a very noble wife. I wish you the best.

yousodumb 09/20/2017

Been married 37 years to a man very similar to that. I believe your husband is Bipolar as well as depressed. My husband could be laughing and talking and change in the middle of it and a look would come over his face of so much rage. He was also abandoned by mother and father and took his anger out on me. He could be wonderful one minute, angry the next, depressed and not talking and would never go to counseling. Finally he is now going after tough love from me and his daughter and he sees what he did for all those years. He also started listening to God's voice and he feels terrible and says how he wishes he could take back all those wasted years. Just knowing he is trying and is becoming someone I knew he could be, makes life a lot easier and better. Being married such a long time, I would not give up and now our lives are so much better. Keep trying, but tell him he has to face his demons, talk about what they did to him was terrible. When mine finally faced it all, he cried for a month. Never seen him cry before...

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