Just curious...were you raised Catholic?

Yeah how did you know?

I've seen this type of "sex guilt" a LOT in the church

So what was your plan? For the suicide, I mean...

maybe instead of finding enjoyment in that, try finding a fun hobby like an instrument, drawing, sports, writing, or anything! you meet really good people, and it helps you cope with things. I hope this will help

I don't really want to because there are so many great things in my life but ... The pain is to much I'm not sure i have hope left for me to keep going

I am really into art but with art there has to be emotion and I don want to feel anything

Never give up hope...just because you may not know what it is, doesn't mean there isn't a reason to keep fighting

You need to feel. That is how you get out of things. I know it is tough, but try drawing what you feel and help get you mind off things.I strongly sugest it

Thanks @allpal I'll try

I don't think your suffering from "sex guilt" I think your realizing that watching porn and/or pleasuring yourself as a method of Pain Management isn't generally an excepted or widely used practice.

At this point your best bet would be to find a Pdoc (psychiatrist) who can help you with the Porn addiction, because that is just going to keep you continuing down a path that leads to nothing good.

Also seeing a Pain Management Dr. or other Dr. to get a more convential treatment for your pain would be a good idea.

Take care,
kat

I agree that you need help. Can you talk to your parents about your depression? If not then talk to your school counselor. Keep trying to do your art as an outlet for yourself. Not sure how big of a problem the porn is for you. Are you looking at it for hours a day or just once in a while? And I would have to say that looking at porn is at least safer than acting out sexually. But here again you probably want to talk to a professional about it,

You don't want to do anything to harm yourself. Your family and friends would be devastated if something happened to you. You have your whole life ahead of you. Talk with your parents and/or school counselor about your depression. They can get you some professional psychiatric help and the doctor will probably recommend therapy to help you learn to cope with your addiction and the way you are feeling.

Make art about not feeling anything or not wanting to feel anything. There are no rules with art. Ps: not wanting to feel, is a feeling.

Have you tried just coloring? I make emotional art sometimes, but sometimes I just need to be immersed in color and form. It takes me out of my head for awhile. I color those really complex grown up coloring books, and the pages make nice cards for people.
Also, the porn industry is pretty exploitative, and seems to promote a lot of misogynist and violent imagery, so I can see why anyone might feel weird about watching porn (I don't know enough to say if your use is an addiction). However, the desire to explore sexually is not unhealthy, it's part of everyone's biology. Maybe you could try some erotic drawing? It will stimulate your imagination (porn kills imagination) and you can create some beautiful, sex positive images that celebrate the beauty of the human form. Best wishes!