you 've been waiting all day to go on the merry-go-round. you choose the prettiest horse you could find that wasn't already taken by somebody else. the ride starts and your stomach jumps when the swirl of lights hums to life, and the classic carnival music pours from each of the four speakers carefully placed around the carousel. you look to your right and see streaks of purple, yellow, red, and green dancing backwards as you race by on your beautiful white steed with golden reigns. as you complete the first circle, you recognize the same shapes and colors from when you first started. the colors of purple, yellow, red, and green are still just as beautiful. but the third time around, you just grin knowing that you made it around again. then a fourth. and a fifth. sixth. yellow. seventh. purple. eighth. red. ninth. green ten eleven yellow purple twelve red thriteen. done. then, you're bored of it.

this is my life. except the horses aren't beautiful and the colors aren't dominating the blue sky. my sky is grey. and the horses and rusted and broken. and they're skinny from lack of happiness under a rainy cloud, their ribs sticking out and their cheeks puckered in bitter disgust. my carousel is this everlasting depression that comes and goes. and how my mother likes to break my horses legs and laugh in my face when my head hits the dry, hard ground. for 3 long years, i've hated my scars and i've loved my scars. i'd let the cuts heal or i'd make new ones to express my empitness on a pale sheet, hidden from prying eyes and blabber mouths. don'ttellthecounselor. don'ttellmymother. don'ttellmybestfriend. don'ttellmyfamily. they might pity me, so don't tell them!! but i'm so tired of hiding!! they'll think you're fake. who cares?! you need help!! i can deal with this by myself, like i have the past three years. yeah? look where that got you, S. 

i've come to the conclusion that i definitely need help. but i want it from people who understand. from people who won't tell me my depression is fake because i've spoken about my forbidden battle scars that paint my thighs. but i tell nobody outside of here. i've vowed. so please, what can i do? i'm scared of the outside but i hate being locked in.