Hi, I don't know if this would be triggering or not.  I am just not in a good place and am having a not so great day today. I feel extremely exhausted and like I can barely drag myself around, and it's my day off.  I just feel like there is so much more than I can cope with going on.  I just feel sort of numb and angry all at the same time.  Things have been fairly difficult at work, and there was severe damage to the house.  Apparently on the part of the house where the roof is flat, not the A-frame area, the water was not running off and it pooled, thereby causing the ceiling to cave in. Yeah. I went into the kitchen/common area and then the laundry room and saw that all of my laundry was soaking wet-the water dripping was destroying the appliances, etc. Thank heavens there is homeowners insurance. 

My mom owns the house. I really can't afford to get much more, so I pay her the rent, but like today on my day off, I was going to just try to chill, but I had to leave AGAIN. She is always coming over there, because now there are termites.  So they are there for an extended time today.  I can never just kick back, because it's not my house, after all.  I just sort of suck it up because of the rent discount.  Otherwise, if I left, I would be paying astronomical amounts for a small apartment, and the price of everything is staggering.  I feel trapped.

Anyways, the thing that is really setting me off is that the plans for my new career seem to have come crashing in.  The whole idea behind striving for a better-paying career and job was to leave, get my own place, and make enough money to have more control over these circumstances and not be dependent on other people.  I don't know if this is the right place to air this, but I am extremely upset about the political situation, and the current elections are stressing me out. In fact I don't think I want to live here anymore, I am getting more serious about wanting to leave, as I don't see much future or opportunity in this country.  

I think lastnight it really hit the fan for me because I had a meeting with a career advisor in the field I am trying to get into.  I finished a six-month job-training program, and after one year I haven't even been able to get an interview.  I guess I won't be participating in their recruitment program. He is very experienced in the field, a veteran, and told me that the type of training programs that I completed, that I will NOT be getting a job in the field that I am trying to get into (I think he may be right, actually).  Because I am competing with people who have full degrees in the area.  And that, he said that my schooling wasn't a total waste, but I won't get to do be doing the work that I trained for.  He said that I should try to break in some roundabout way, such as working as a product/project manager.

It was absolutely devastating to hear.  And yes, it's getting political, but I have been angry for decades about the whole spend-tons of money-on school and have-no-way-to get-a-job type afterward culture that we live in. The  first degree I got didn't really yield a job either, and I had to take something that didn't suit me because if it, which I am still doing.  And this guy was practically telling me it was hopeless.

My fear is this guy is right.  I don't think think I qualify for their recruitment program.  He said that if I took a job in project management, because of my background working with people, I would be highly likely to get a job, and later, once I was in the field, then I could do what I *really* want. But it was super depressing to hear.  On top of my ceiling freaking caving in, and the chaos at work, and holidays, it put me in a horrible mood.  

I was going to do a hackathon next week and work on a project. I cancelled my therapy appointment two weeks in a row to do the hackthon, and might have to cancel therapy a third week because of the holiday.  I am thinking, 'what is the point, I'm not going to get  a job in what I want, why bother with the hackathon and yet another project that won't get me closer to a job?' I'm thinking I should call my therapist back and talk to her about all of this rather then just continue to work for free on projects that won't amount to anything. 

I also want to move the hell away, and the guy was suggesting that I do so, like a foreign country. (something I have thought about for a long time). He was talking about being spiritual and a 'reason for everything, and a reason we had the phone call'  IDK.  I need to do something, I really didn't like him implying I should stick with my current career-it wasn't the purpose of the call.  I think our society is screwed up and sets people up to fail.  Now I am whining like a big fat victim. 

I just honestly don't know what to do.  Maybe I should just stick with my therapy appt. next week. I feel so exhausted I could not sleep at all last night and I can't go to bed because there are people at the house.

I originally signed up for the therapy because of this work conflict, but I've uncovered so much else in terms of issues that I need to work on.  There was so much she pointed out and I know she's right.  Maybe that's where I need to put my focus.