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My fault

Itstillhurts_
Itstillhurts_

i was abusive and controlling and u see now why he broke up with me. IDK why I'm like this???? Never been abused or witnessed it. And I love that man more than anything. So why am I so toxic and destructive. I want help. It was all my fault, and I take full blame. But now I'm feeling so suicidal for ruining a GREAT thing. I pushed the most kind,selfless, caring and gentle man away. And I wouldn't dare expect him to take me back. Hell no. I wouldn't take me back. I feel so disgusted with myself! I don't understand how this happened. I feel like I have a mental disorder, because he talked about a few instances where I hit him and pushed him and I don't recall them at all!! It's like it never happened. Regardless, it was NEVER okay. I am a disgusting scum of the earth. I'm lucky he didn't press charges on me. Wouldn't blame him at all! Who does this to the man they love??? I must be mental. I must be really sick. Will I ever be able to have a normal relationship?? Kids?? I feel like I deserve to die honestly. I've never had such overwhelming thoughts of death. Stayed up all night with a crisis line, because I'm at the end. I'm really really sick. I hate myself 

Gladdmatt
Gladdmatt
I have to be honest and say that I disagree with a couple of things you say. You are NOT the scum of the earth, etc. you are a good person. If you weren't a good person you wouldn't feel bad for saying or doing things you regret. This shows you have a conscience. I also don't but that EVERYTHING that happened was your fault. It takes two, and though I of course do not know you or this other person if he is making it seem like everything was your fault he is being very cruel and must have no sense of his own self and the mistakes he makes. It could very well be you will benefit from medical attention (meds, talk therapy, etc.) as I do myself. But you'll never convince me you're a bad person. The fact that you think you may need help likewise shows you fundamentally are a good person.I'll pray for you.
Bobby5000
Bobby5000
First everyone makes mistakes and we are sometimes influenced by emotions that do not make sense in retrospect. Take three presidents, supposedly the best of all America. Bill Clinton, a married man having relations in the White House with an intern, Donald Trump, talking about putting your hand up woman's dresses fairly creepy, and George Bush, taking a vacation while one of the worst disasters in history was to occur and ignoring various intelligence briefings about it.

And guess what, each one of these people went to do some good things, Bill balanced a budget and presided over a period of peace, Bush was to many a strong president who rebuilt NY into a better place and showed great courage and strength, and Trump may do some good things we hope. Hey I thought no one was lower than Trump after that first debate, he was unprepared and humiliated and I remember him going to kiss his daughter and her turning because she apparently did not want to be associated with him. And he came back.

So what to do. You can give your boyfriend a short, calm call, telling him that you acknowledge fault, and work on change if the relationship can continue. And if not, learn from your mistakes, and start a new relationship anew.