Yesterday, I went to my brother's wedding and I am very happy for him. I genuinely had a great time but I was accutely aware of just how much of a ghost I felt like. Today I don't feel so great ... I am older than he and never married, although I was close once. It took seeing his happiness for me to realize just how alone I am. I never recovered well from heart break, it often takes me years. It's difficult for me to get  close to someone and feel comfortable letting my guard down and so the rejection feels like a hot knife right through the heart. Being at the wedding brought back memories of diamond and setting shopping, the loose marriage plans I had made with my ex, all that stuff. I know it was ultimately a good thing that we never married but love lost never feels good. It was kind of a good thing that I caught up with so many people I had been out of touch with; kept me out of my own head.

I am also nervous as hell about going back to work this week. I've been on disability the last 2.5 years and I am finally healthy enough mentally and physically to get back to work. I can no longer justify being idle anymore. I tried unsuccessfully to find work in IT, the career I burned out in. The only skills I have outside of IT are being a security guard or truck driving and I know I really don't want to work in security. This leaves polishing the rust off of my Commerical Driver's License and getting back into the cab of a semi. I guess the upshot is that I had no difficulty finding work. I just put out applications and got calls back 5 minutes later; literally only five minutes. I settled on Schneider National because of their training program and commitment to safety. Yet I am dubious about my chances of success and my nerves are bad. I forget the steps to properly setup a truck and trailer for alley docking and even some of the most common maneuvers. I guess this is why Schneider is sending me to refresher training.

So I am feeling a huge mixture of emotions from sadness and nervousness to a little bit of excitement about no longer being classically disabled anymore. I mean I will always need access to Medicare because of my Autism and health issues but at least I will be able to work. I am doubtful that I'll ever really find love again but maybe one day. For now I've got to calm down somehow. So much has happened in the past 24 hours so I am a bloody emotional mess but I guess there may be a small spark of hope.