Depression Support Group

Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.

24,601 Members

160,807 Posts

3 Online

Misty82 06/28/2020

I really need advice. I posted this in another group but wanted to see if any of you can help me as well. My boyfriend of over 5 years has been very depressed. Pretty much through the whole relationship and probably before me. It has just been getting worse. His health isn't well. He has been having bad stomach issues for a few years now and is in almost constant pain and its getting worse. His drinking has been increasing to where he drinks everyday. He decreased his days at work to only two a day because he said it was too stressful. He is irritable all the time. Never wants to go do anything except sit in his room smoking a drinking or going to the bars with his friends. He has been saying he wants to just leave the state to get away from everyone and at first I thought it was him just saying it due to being stressed. Tonight he basically told me he is going to move away. He's tired of everyone and everything and wants to get away from the bullshit. This means he is moving away from me too and he said Im part of the problem. He said he wants NO responsibilty and nothing to hold him from doing whatever he wants to do. I asked him if this was just his way of breaking up with me because he doesn't love me anymore and he said it wasn't that. He said he will always love me and that Im his soul mate but he isn't happy. So the man that I have stood by for so long through all of his depression throughout the years, been through him cheating, his alcohol problems and all the craziness his life has been is now leaving me. We aren't broken up yet but he said he will be leaving soon. He saved up a little money and wants to just leave.

Has anyone here dealt with a breakup due to their partner's depression? Im having a really hard time understanding this because from where I sit, his life doesn't seem that horrible to me. I feel he is the reason it is the way it is. He hates living with his sister but he put himself there. He hates his job, most people do. His body hurt but he is causing a lot of issues by not taking care of himself. I do feel he is in a horrible depression and he is walking away from not only me but his friends here and his family. Is there anything i can do to make his see what he is doing, what he is giving up? Is a change a good thing if you are depressed? I feel he carries his issues with him and no matter where he goes, there is going to be bullshit to deal with. He blames everyone around him for some reason.

I am so heartbroken. I have been through three breakups with him before which I had to walk away from him because he was affecting me. I don't know how I am going to move forward after this. I have very bad adbandonment issues and I feel him leaving is going to put me over the edge. I have never put so much sweat, and tears into anyone in my whole life and he is still leaving anyway. I don't know what to do. I want to help him but don't know how. I think the only option I have is to let him leave. I am so hurt!

WanderingVet 06/28/2020

Hold the door open for him to leave through. It cannot be more clear this is not right for you. I can understand the 'pain', but what you are going through and been through is enough pain for anyone. Wish him well and move on. When he comes crawling back ... and he will, tell him 'thanks, but no thanks.'

Scaredandafraid 06/28/2020

It sounds like you need to focus your attention on yourself. Depression or not he is creating his own havoc. His stomach issue is probably from drinking. He sounds like a big child wanting no responsibility but you stand beside him. What about your well-being? He obviously has no care about anyone but him and it sounds like he has put you through the ringer and you just take it. It isn't going to get better. You need to learn to let go and focus on YOU. Find someone without the baggage. Find someone who lifts you up not drags you down.

Flashreturns 06/28/2020

I think he sounds essentially selfish. He won't stop drinking which is a cause of depression, He wants to spiral downwards. All you can do is tell him he is making a mistake-put it on record and then level him go. Dont beg him to stay because if he does that he will throw it back on you.
Just tell him you will leave your door open but not forever.

sedgwick4914 06/28/2020

He might be an alcoholic that needs help. The thing is that you are powerless to help him. If you want to understand better, then I suggest that you attend an Al-Anon meeting in your area. The group is not for the alcoholic, but for the loved one's so that they can find peace and serenity in accepting that they cannot control their loved one's addiction.

Yard_Eggs 06/28/2020

I feel he carries his issues with him and no matter where he goes, there is going to be bullshit to deal with. He blames everyone around him for some reason.

Some people refer to moving away to solve one's problems as the "geographical cure". Unfortunately, "wherever I go, there I am." Meaning of course, that unless I am willing to recognize my issues and work to resolve them myself, they will always be with me.

It is far easier to blame every one else for my self imposed problems than to muster up the courage and resolve to fix them.

Misty82 06/28/2020

Yard_Eggs Yes! I feel the same. He feels so deeply that everyone around him is the problem but I feel its more internal than external. He thinks just leaving will solve his issues but not if the issue is rooted in himself! I feel he isn't thinking rationally and I am extremely worried. I think he has something serious going on with him.

StephPoe 06/28/2020

Im so sorry you are going through this... I also went through a breakup due to my boyfriends depression... And I was utterly heart broken and felt like i invested so so much to get nothing in return, it actually put me into a depression which made me even angrier. I felt like I had no control over anything anymore. I also feel like i have abandonment issues as well. It seems like the correlation we both have is we dont want them to leave us so we settle getting our hearts dragged through the dirt. But we need to be strong. We have to be there for ourselves. It's going to take some time but please love yourself. love yourself more than anything you have ever loved before. and you will get through this but the only way out is through. Let him leave... you deserve so much better.

Misty82 06/28/2020

StephPoe Thank you. I feel the same way. Im not only sad but I am furious at him. I have spent years of my time I will never get back. Im not only mad at him but at myself for staying. I never wanted him to leave so I basically gave up myself to keep him. I became a person I don't even know. I wouldn't say the things I wanted to say, I was over-giving, I forgave more than I should of. I even stopped doing the things that made me happy. He was my life. And this is how he wants to repay me? I understand he is depressed and how it affects people but it makes me so mad. Has your boyfriend tried to contact you after the break-up? If so, how did you handle it? In the past when we broke up he would contact me because he missed me but didn't want to be back with me. It would cause me to halt any of the healing process and make me miss him more. Im thinking Ill have to go no contact if he does decide to leave. I want to be here for him but not at the expense of me anymore.

Misty82 06/28/2020

Thank you for all the replies. I find comfort in knowing other people understand or have had similar experiences. I think right now I am full of a lot of emotions. Sadness, anger, anxiety, depression. This is all overwhelming for me and Im having a hard time sorting it all. I guess I have to accept that I may not be able to help him and I think that's what he has been trying to tell me this for a while. He wants to help himself. If he feels he needs to leave then I will accept that he feels this is the best for him. It may be what he needs or maybe not but its his choice and I can't keep trying to stop him from doing what he feels he needs to do. I love him enough to let him go if that's what he wants. So if it happens, then I will work on myself. There is plenty of repairing to do and not just from him but from my past. I also have children to raise and things I want to accomplish. Its going to hurt but I have to get through it. If someone you love wants to leave, I guess there is no stopping them from doing it. I guess its all about acceptance. Accepting this is what my reality and situation is. If it happens, ill slowly get through it. Its going to be a very hard process but Ill make it through. Thanks again for the responses.

Scott46 06/29/2020

There's a great line from an old movie. "No matter where you go, there you are." He thinks he's going to run away from his problems but he's taking the cause with him. Himself. You said you have left him before. I think you have put too much of yourself into this guy already and you should say good riddance. Hopefully you have some family or friends to hang out with to fill the lonely times. You are a giver. Givers get taken advantage of by takers. You need to learn how to spot the takers and avoid them. Like you said focus on your kids and yourself. Enjoy the extra time and the reduced stress of not having him around. Maybe get some self help books over at amzn that are applicable to your situation. I wish you well.

Misty82 06/29/2020

Scott46 Thats a good quote and I fully believe it. I just wish he did. It really is so sad to me to see him in so much pain. You are right, I am a giver and I just don't know how to stop. I don't want to give up on him but I am getting tired. Its hard to see someone you love suffering but I do need to set a limit on how much I can deal with it. Im not ready to give up yet but I think I will give him some space to breathe and think. This will give me time to rest and get my energy back up. I don't really have any friends or much family, except his family is my family. They are very supportive and they understand what's going on. The only thing I have left to do that Ive haven't before is to give him space if that's what he wants. This will be a challenge for me for sure.

WanderingVet 07/01/2020

It won't be long before he comes back. What will you do then?

Join the Conversation