Is he talking to anyone professionally? Is he taking any medication?

I was depressed for years and I pushed my wife away. She stayed and kept saying that it will get better and that she was there when I wanted to come back. She was put through hell with my sickness. She stayed because she loved me. It sounds like you deeply care for and love your boyfriend. Will he open up about what is bothering him? He also may not be able to articulate at first. Basically he won't know what is wrong and it takes a lot to get to the source. Encourage professional help, encourage him to journal his thoughts. Keep it private but it does help.

Best of luck.

Thor2008 No, he isn't seeking any professional help or taking any medication. He doesn't think he really has a problem. He thinks everyone around him is. Like your wife, I stay because I love him so much and I keep hoping he will get through this but nothing ever changes. He thinks everyone is disrespecting him and doing him wrong but from where I stand, I don't see it at all. He gets mad at everyone basically for existing. I think a lot of his depression and stress is due to him not being able to take care of himself. He really lacks everyday life skills that many of us have learned and do without issue. Working is hard on him, he doesn't drive, he doesn't have a place of his own, he has trouble managing his money, he can't handle hardly any stress. I feel like he is so lost. He wants to get his life together but he doesn't seem to have the skills to do it. If he wants a place of his own, he needs to save money and work. He just cut his days to only 2 week. He hates depending on people to get places, but he won't get his license. He wants to be independent but he takes no steps to get there. The more he feels like he can't do anything for himself, he drinks. The more he drinks the further away he gets from his goal. I try to be the one to guide him through and show him the way to get to his goals but he seems to not want my help. I feel he is self-sabotaging himself. Its plain and simple how he can change things around but it seems easier for him to not do it and to point fingers and blame everyone around him. He refuses any help. Im so lost to what to do.

Misty, I am sorry for what you are going through. Sometimes people with depression drink to self medicate and numb their emotions. What they don’t realize is that it often leads to addiction and really isn’t helpful because it creates a another problem. Not taking care of himself is a symptom of his depression.

All you can do is tell him you love him, your there for him. He has to make the decision to get help. If he needs help with goals let him ask for it, As much as you want to help him with his goals don’t help unless he asks. It may make him feel embarrassed or inadequate if you pressure him. You have done all you can do and will need to decide if you are able to keep up the support or if it is better to move on. Maybe he will get better and maybe his struggle will last his lifetime.6

I actually pushed everyone a way for along time. It took me reaching my breaking point before I sought help. My husband has been here for me, but didn’t really know how to support me, He actually talked with my therapist which helped him understand my symptoms and how to be supportive without putting additional stress on me.

I hope you are able to work out a solution that is best for you. You have to take care of yourself and find a way to have your needs met. Best Wishes

Thanks Secouya! It really is hard to just sit back and do nothing but helping isn't helping him so maybe just doing my own thing and taking care of myself for a while is best. If he comes to me, Ill be there. Just have to figure out my breaking point because I have emotional needs that aren't being met. I think that's the hardest for me. Im a very emotional person and Im having to deal with all of this myself and the one person I would want to talk to is him. I get rather lonely a lot and don't have a lot of support. Im in therapy for my depression and anxiety issues and it has been a slow process but helpful. I know first hand what he's going through but its different being on the other side of it. Im afraid he won't get through this if he doesn't seek help. It really worries me that its only going to get worse. Its incredibly hard to watch someone I love literally fall apart and there isn't anything I can do about it :(

It may be a cliche, but in order to be there for him, you need to take care of yourself. It sounds like your going through a lot. You can suggest that he get help but if he's not ready or doesn't see the problem, the most you can do for him is to look after your own needs and hope.

JMJ2020 I agree. I was thinking maybe the more time I spend on myself the less pressure he might have since he has expressed he worries about how this is affecting me. He says he doesn't want to worry about anything. So maybe that might help him. Its just not an easy thing for me to do. This is such a lonely time for me too.

Have you considered that by "taking care" of him, of guiding him, by trying to cure him, you are merely enabling him to continue on without any effort on his part?

Pain is a great motivator, and when the pain of his decision to not seek help become great enough, he may be motivated to seek professional help.

For many people, one must hit their "rock-bottom" before one admits there is a problem. Perhaps all your help and "support" is preventing him from hitting bottom?

hey there. good advice here. i think the only things i'll add is that each of you are responsible for your level of happiness in life.... you are not there to make him happy and vice versa.... i do think that unless he reaches out for professional help, he will stay stuck in this cycle...the drinking is likely to progress...and i know it sucks to hear that.

in 12 support groups, they say, you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it.

what you CAN do is focus on you. your relationship with you...your practice of self-care. setting boundaries. thinking about what you want and need in a relationship and speaking those to him. and, seriously consider whether you want to stay in a relationship with someone who has apparent "issues" and isn't willing to make the effort to get help. you do have the right to say, "this is not what i want. i love you, but love is not enough to sustain a relationship."

just my two cents.

i feel for him, for sure. he's likely got some deep wounds underneath all this...and often, those things need addressed in long-term therapy.

i'm sorry you are struggling. i know it's tough. i struggle with depression at times and i know it's tough.

have you considered attending a 12 step support group like al-anon? or codependents anonymous? i got a lot our of working the steps with a sponsor. it was the first time in my life i started working on ME....

hugs

love journey I think you hit the head on the nail. I depend on him for my happiness and he has become my whole life. I don't even do the things I like that use to do that make me happy. I just worry about him constantly and depend on him to make make me happy. There is none of my own. The fear of him leaving does that to me. I feel if Im always around and there for him, he won't leave me. He has also cheated in the past which has me on guard all the time. This was during the the last huge depression he had so I am super vigilant so it won't happen again. Boundaries with him have always been hard to set for the same reason. Im afraid if I set a boundary, he will leave. He use to get super upset if I told him I didn't want him doing something like smoking weed in my home or to be quiet so he wouldn't wake the neighbors and get me kicked out. Eventually, I let him do what he wanted which caused a lot of anger and resentment. I felt so disrespected. I was thinking of doing a 12 step program and I want to see if there are any codependency groups because I know I suffer from it.

Yard_Eggs You are so right! I do enable his behavior a lot! I have always been his safe place and his most reliable and dependable person that he can count on. Most of the enabling comes from the fear of him leaving me. He used to threaten to leave all the time if I tried to set a boundary which basically brought all of my abandonment issues and codependency issues to the surface. I then let him basically do whatever he wanted due to that fear. I also have a tendency to just want to "help". So if he needs a ride, I am there. A favor, I am there. He needs help with anything, I am there. So now he's unhappy I think because he doesn't feel like a grown man. He feels reliant on everyone to help him with things. This goes way before me as well. Been going on for a while I think. So now he wants his own life and do the things he wants to do but is stuck on how to do it. Then add in his alcohol addiction and he is falling apart. In my mind, Im afraid to let go because Im afraid if he doesn't need me anymore, he will leave me. I know he loves me but he keeps talking about leaving me and everything so frequently now and it scares the hell out me. Im just horrified. But I want the best for him so Im trying to be supportive with his decisions.

Misty,

Just like you can fix him, he can't fix you. He can't fix your abandonment issues and he can't fix your co-dependency issues. I wonder how much progress you would make with your issues if you quit always "being there" for him and spent that time working on yourself. "Being there" for you. All your help is keeping him a "man-child".

Always "being there" is a symptom of your codependecy and contributes to his inabililty to "feel like a grown man." Quit enabling him and acting like his mother and you improve BOTH yours and his situation.

But nothing changes if nothing changes.

Yard_Eggs I don’t expect him to fix my issues. It’s more of a compulsion and the need for comfort, validation and love. He can’t solve his own so I don’t expect him to solve mine. And stopping enabling him isn’t easy. You sounded rather insensitive. It’s like telling someone who’s depressed to not be depressed. Enabling is a symptom of my codependency and fear of him leaving. It’s not easy at all and Ive been in therapy for it for years and I’m not even close to getting better. I’m trying but it’s a journey and it’s hell for me.

I shall be diplomatic. From your description Misty, your boyfriend seems lazy and does not want to commit in a relationship with you. Perhaps he is not that devoted to you as you to him, and from your descriptions of him, he does not care to acknowledge the efforts you have made to change him or make him comfortable. Perhaps he is not in to you as you have perceived him to be. As an outsider looking in, it seems that you are both incompatible to each other, and any more waiting on your part for him to respond to you is just a waste of your time. There are plenty of fish in the sea; the right one may be just around the corner. Life is so short, so let's cut your losses and move on. Marie

I agree with Andromeda. And I think he has no plans to leave. He has you right where he wants you. He has all the power. He knows you are scared to be alone and would do anything to keep him from leaving. I He does nor seem to respect you and I think you should move on. He will NEVER be the partner you are looking for. I would bet if you told him you are done, go ahead and leave, and stick to your guns, he would be the one crawling and begging to take him back. You deserve better than this treatment. Run all this by your therapist if you don't believe me. And I wish you the best whatever happens.

Another idea. Call Dr Laura Schlessinger. She's a therapist who does a radio who on SiriusXM where she gives advice on relationships and such. You can find her on the web.