Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
I have a friend named MeggieLizzie who is trying to get me to see that it's okay to be a little more active on the boards. That's what this particular one is for.
Unfortunately it dos seem like I have several things -- four, in fact -- to get off my chest and this is going to be overlong as a result. Please don't hate, this probably wouldn't be any shorter if I had used my journal instead:
* I'm seeing a therapist now. He happens to work just a 15 minute walk from my house. He was recommended to me by my pdoc's social worker, and he is very good. But it bothers me what's coming through with the nightmares I've been sharing with him lately. The short way to put it is that I have so much regret over things I wish I had done or hadn't done, and can have my bad memories retriggered so easily from similar events that I hear about on the news, that it's no surprise my nightmares have taken so many different forms. I don't follow the news like I used to, but the memories in question and the events in question that retrigger them (if you want specifics, pm me, because otherwise this will be a book of an entry) are just so...permanent in my memory that realizing these feelings and being able to work through them are two different things, and I just don't feel good about the latter. At all.
* This second one is aimed directly at the CLs because I feel it's a question for them: Okay, so, on my profile page, the link where it says Website refers people to my YouTube channel, where there are videos of short random gameplays that I've done over the last year, close to 30 in all at last count. Recently, I've posted a couple of them as journal entries by embedding the relevant videos. Now I'm suddenly scared that me either or both of these things might be violating DS protocol. Does it?
* Stop me if this last one feels weird to you: So, I've been having a lot of frustration with my workouts recently. I use a heart rate monitor both at home and at the training studio where I do additional workouts...and I've never really understood what they mean about staying in my target range. In particular, I've never understood where it was because it seems like there's 4,000 ways to do it. With the way my messed-up brain works I really need to see someone take their time and write examples out so that it will click in my head. I tried to talk about this in the Fitness Goals group, thinking that was the place to go for this...and I got nowhere. Now, there is a little bit more to this: One of my friends here did try -- and she did really well -- but I made the mistake of not bringing notes of my own. :( She says she'll gladly do it again for me the next time she has an opening to be on Skype, but I just feel so stupid asking her twice.
* Speaking of Skype, it also really bothers me that the only interactions lasting more than a few minutes that I'm comfortable with are taking place through there. In real life, I can't interact with someone for more than a few minutes before I get convinced that the person in question is going to hurt me, even though logically I know that most people out there aren't there to hurt. I realize this is because I don't feel safe anywhere -- my high school was a dangerous place, and the Boston Marathon bombings last year took this feeling to a higher level -- but it just feels unreasonably illogical...and yet so automatic that I literally don't know what to do to make any headway on that. I don't want it to come down to just randomly searching for Skype friends, I feel that this won't end well...(sigh)
Okay, I'm shutting up and getting down from my box now...I'm sorry for letting this all out...
Unfortunately it dos seem like I have several things -- four, in fact -- to get off my chest and this is going to be overlong as a result. Please don't hate, this probably wouldn't be any shorter if I had used my journal instead:
* I'm seeing a therapist now. He happens to work just a 15 minute walk from my house. He was recommended to me by my pdoc's social worker, and he is very good. But it bothers me what's coming through with the nightmares I've been sharing with him lately. The short way to put it is that I have so much regret over things I wish I had done or hadn't done, and can have my bad memories retriggered so easily from similar events that I hear about on the news, that it's no surprise my nightmares have taken so many different forms. I don't follow the news like I used to, but the memories in question and the events in question that retrigger them (if you want specifics, pm me, because otherwise this will be a book of an entry) are just so...permanent in my memory that realizing these feelings and being able to work through them are two different things, and I just don't feel good about the latter. At all.
* This second one is aimed directly at the CLs because I feel it's a question for them: Okay, so, on my profile page, the link where it says Website refers people to my YouTube channel, where there are videos of short random gameplays that I've done over the last year, close to 30 in all at last count. Recently, I've posted a couple of them as journal entries by embedding the relevant videos. Now I'm suddenly scared that me either or both of these things might be violating DS protocol. Does it?
* Stop me if this last one feels weird to you: So, I've been having a lot of frustration with my workouts recently. I use a heart rate monitor both at home and at the training studio where I do additional workouts...and I've never really understood what they mean about staying in my target range. In particular, I've never understood where it was because it seems like there's 4,000 ways to do it. With the way my messed-up brain works I really need to see someone take their time and write examples out so that it will click in my head. I tried to talk about this in the Fitness Goals group, thinking that was the place to go for this...and I got nowhere. Now, there is a little bit more to this: One of my friends here did try -- and she did really well -- but I made the mistake of not bringing notes of my own. :( She says she'll gladly do it again for me the next time she has an opening to be on Skype, but I just feel so stupid asking her twice.
* Speaking of Skype, it also really bothers me that the only interactions lasting more than a few minutes that I'm comfortable with are taking place through there. In real life, I can't interact with someone for more than a few minutes before I get convinced that the person in question is going to hurt me, even though logically I know that most people out there aren't there to hurt. I realize this is because I don't feel safe anywhere -- my high school was a dangerous place, and the Boston Marathon bombings last year took this feeling to a higher level -- but it just feels unreasonably illogical...and yet so automatic that I literally don't know what to do to make any headway on that. I don't want it to come down to just randomly searching for Skype friends, I feel that this won't end well...(sigh)
Okay, I'm shutting up and getting down from my box now...I'm sorry for letting this all out...
First, you're right, realizing feelings and working through them are very different things! No kne shod force you to work through them until you are ready. I once startes to dive into certain things too soon in therapy, I didn't realize that it was too soon, and I jad a really terrible reation to it. So we're leaving it alone for now.
I can't address 2 or 3, sorry.
Forth, I have issues feeling safe too. The marathon bombings last year really put me over the edge. This seems like a decent place to make friends, maybe a little better than skype?
Feel free to keep posting : )
1) I think it needs to be noted that this therapist is absolutely NOT forcing me to talk about what has come out through four sessions with him. He is very patient waiting for me for say things. What's going on with it is that this is stuff that I have held in -- I have been fabulous at hiding it, really -- for...(gulp)...20 years in some cases, and I've been volunteering all of it because I just can't take the way I'm feeling about them anymore.
2) I am still kinda concerned about having my channel on my profile page and those recent video posts. If it helps, my profile is public to DS members so you can see the latest one of those in my journal if that helps anyone figure that part out.
3) I think that's just a matter of her having free time to actually be on Skype again, she's been busy recently. Just felt like that had to come out.
4) Being here does help a little bit, but it can only go so far because you don't get to see what people are really like. That's not to put anyone down; I'm just saying that face-to-face contact is where the trouble starts with me in real life with most and hiding behind an online profile can and likely will eventually dead-end where my potential could possibly be. Completing an AS program in paralegal studies with a career change in mind but then making zero progress doing anything with it because of these underlying issues just sounds so counterintuitive.
Okay, no one can diagnose you over the internet, but from everything you've told me in your messages, do you have PTSD? Please ask your therapist about PTSD.
No one is going to hurt you. You are safe talking to people. Do your therapist and psychiatrist know about this? That you think everyone is out to get you?
Sorry for not saying much, but I'm so sleep deprived and out of it at the moment.