I don't know what happened, but I had a shift.  After falling into clinical depression, not being able to concentrate, staying up all night long and sleeping all day, I did something different. After one of my all-nighters, I just decided to stay up during the day and expose myself to the sunlight. Took a small nap, but, facing the empty day, everything that I was avoiding hit me.  I started crying like crazy. Just avoiding, avoiding, avoiding my feelings.  Anyhow, I just sat in the sun and listened to the news, and fell asleep and woke up. 

I had a moment of clarity and sent an apology text to a friend. They accepted my apology.  I recognize that I've been lashing out and taking out my pain on other people with unreasonable snapping at people, snapping at my parents, crying and being dramatic.  When my health is OK I'm able to regulate my emotion. My typical coping went out the window. For some reason if I'm really depressed and upset I try to push away the people that yes might be getting pushy, but are really just trying to help. I have ptsd so I get paranoid, question everyone's motives, assume the worst...and attack. From therapy I've been able to get a hold on this pattern but being terrified and not able to move has caused me to regress.  I am aware that I have probably done some damage to my relationships. Yes, there are things that were not working so well and needed to be addressed. The way I went about it was not appropriate. In a panic I left our group text and told my friend "don't invite me to stuff!" Very silly.  Yes, I needed some space, but I was not putting my communication skiils into practice. I did apologize to one person.  

Anyway, I meet my new therapist Sunday to for an intake on telehealth. I recognize my ptsd, paranoia and depression will likely need lifelong treatment if I wish to maintain relationships and employment.  The truth is that though my friends are not perfect, they really are good people and do care.  For years a friend group like this was all I wanted.  Now I have it, and I am not handling the very thing I wanted so well.  I don't trust people who care, but that is a family of origin issue. It's crazy how you can know inside and out what the problem is and STILL do something stupid...I am terrified of being controlled.  I think it's a ptsd response.

Anyway, I went to bed earlier...2 AM...I usually go to bed at dawn now.  I STILL slept 12 hours. Since this bone break, I sleep 12-16 hours per day, I just can't sleep less.  In normal times, I sleep 6 hours.  This has had a massive impact on me.  When I woke up this morning, everything was suddenly lighter, better, brighter.  I usually wake up with a lot of pain all the way up and down my shin and to my foot and ankle...today it was gone.  I knew I'd turned a corner.  My mind was clear. I've not stepped outside in 8 days, and I: Got the mail, got Starbucks drive through, took a bath, met my neighbor to take out the trash, I READ my mail, and then...for four hours I updated my Linked In, updated my resume, and set myself up with a freelance site. This is more than I've done in six weeks.  I think taking responsibility for my behavior really helped.  Anyway, I don't know how I did it, but the shift happened.

The doctor did say it would be six weeks. It's six weeks now. I instinctively feel that I will be cleared for rehab and partial weight bearing on Monday, I practically know it.  Two weeks ago when my dad came over I said, "I will be walking in two weeks!!!" He was freaked out. But that's me. I have the mysterious and uncanny ability to will things to being. That sounds narcissistic, but...it does work. 

I'm the type of person whose mind is pretty strong. To a large extent I'm mind over matter. I really, truly believe in that. I believe the mind is powerful and has the power to create what it wants.  Sounds crazy but great things have happened in my life by believing things.  I have two fractures and I think one may be healed over because I feel no pain even when I press on it. The other one is a little worse.

Anyway, I don't know how this happened, but it did. Just yesterday I could not look at a job listing or complete a task without crying and going back to bed.