I've written about this before but i need to write again i guess.  I write here a lot.  thank god i have a place to vent.  i have been very depressed lately, well, it's ongong but I have major stresses going on in my life.  Work, family trouble, out there and working with covid, my fairly unusually personality and more usual bad childhood.  I say unusual personality in that I am very shy.  Most people who meet me say i'm the shyest person they know.  I'm naturally very introvered and I am highly sensitive to outside stimuli, like light and noise and just going to the store bothers me.  I like the house to be very quiet, the lights to be low or off and I actually feel best when I'm in bed at night with the lights off and in complete silence.  I guess there are some people like this but I think it's not as common as extroversion or lesser forms of introversion.

ANYWAY, god, it's like a have been just vomiting words lately in writing and talking (mostly to myself and my imaginary friends and cat).  the stress is really getting to me.  but I wanted to talk again about my morning depression.  Upon waking, especially on workday but pretty much every day, I am deeply depressed.  I mean scary depressed.  Like I would rather die than go through another day and face the life and future i most likely have and the way I feel i woudln't wish on anyone.  

I have tried to talk to my doctor mulitiple times about my depression.  Once I said flat out "I want to die" and he didn't look up from his computer.  Most people are not too friendly to me.  They don't really know me and are probably reacting to my quiet personality but it's really hard.  I feel like I am being shunned.  Like an animal that leaves the herd and is on it's own and is then much more vulnerable because he doesn't have herd support and protection.  That's me.

I do think a lot about dying as a form of relief from pain for myself.  I don't believe in it, suicide I mean, but I understand when the pain is so great and so long term that one just needs it to stop.  Once, I watched a video of someone jumping off a bridge.  I wasn't going to watch it, I thought it was obscene that it was filmed and watched but then my morbid curiousity got the best of me.  It was a man, I couldn't see him that well.  He was in his 20's or 30's probably.  He was wearing all black.  He stood by the rail of the bridge and looked into the water.  then he dropped a twig in a watched it fall all the way down to the water and make a small splash.  then he climbed up on the rail and stood on the top rail, his back to the water, his arms outstretched and he just leaned backward and fell.  He hit the water with a huge splash and that was it.  

The weird thing is that I thought that i would be horrified or repulsed or ashamed that I watched but when he hit the water I felt this surge of joy for him.  I wasn't sadistic, it was this feeling of release from pain that I guess I felt vicariously for him and it brought me to tears.  I was shocked by my reaction.  there were other videos like this but I didn't watch anymore.  This was just one documentary called The Bridge I think.  I won't watch anything like that again but I just thought it was so odd how I felt. 

Because the pain I feel, my god, when I think of not having to feel that anymore it almost brings me to tears and gives me a similar feeling of joy.

I am not advocating suicide for anyone!  I probably shouldn't even be writing this here because i know there are very depressed people on here but I also thought you might understand.  I do think we should all keep fighting but it is so very hard some times.

forgive me for talking about that.  I just felt like I wanted to share that because I have been focused a lot on ending my life.  I don't think I will but I do think about it a lot.  I even looked into physician assisted suicide for depression and they actually do that in the Netherlands but you have to be a resident.  I read about it a little bit and that did repulse me.  Some doctor euthanized a young anorexic girl.  I think that is a slipperly slope.

Sometimes I wonder if I am manic depressive.  I've never been diagnosed with that but I have these kind of manic phases kind of like I am having now I think when I write a lot and talk a lot and really fast and I feel extremely agitated even though I am physically exhausted.  I'd talk to my doctor about it but...  yea.

I do have a therapist but she doesn't seem that skilled.  She's give me more like practical help and tips but we don't really delve deeply into anything and I'm coming to think that's because she doesn't know her stuff or whatever.

Well, whew, thank you for letting me vent.  I've got all this stuff pent up and I feel like I am going to explode.  I just want to be, I don't want to always be doing on thing after another that is hard or that I hate or that is dangerous.

Again, I am sorry if something I wrote triggered anyone but i think everyone here understands.  I'm ok for now, I need to rest and make dinner and then try to get to bed early.

Thank you for listening to me.  It makes me feel less alone.