Depression Support Group
Depression is a real and debilitating condition that is often misunderstood by family and friends. Its meaning can range from a prolonged period of sadness to an actual mental illness with specific symptoms. Find and share experiences with others who are going through the same struggles.
Hi. I've been a member for a long time (since early last year) but I've never posted. I'm not usually a lurker on forums but I've never been able to bring myself to post before. I think I did the right thing by putting "triggers" in the subject line. I'm not sure.
Anyway, last night something happened, and I have to talk about it. I feel like I just need to get this out of me. I don't really have anywhere else to go with these thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry, I know this is really lengthy.
First, a little background. My mom's an independent contractor and a service worker. She works for an agency, who gets her clients. The agency is basically one woman, who's technically her agent, not her boss, but has always treated Mom like an employee.
My mom's worked for her for fifteen years. Lately, things have been bad. Once, my mom considered this woman a friend, and has done her some truly enormous favors. She's done everything for this woman short of giving her a kidney. I've personally done her favors, too. But over the last few years, Boss has increasingly treated Mom poorly, and over the last few months has appeared to be trying to torment her. She's cheated her out of money, canceled her from jobs without the client's knowledge or permission, lied and said horrible things. Mom has no idea what caused this, the woman would never tell her what was wrong or if there was a problem.
Mom is capable of operating a computer, but doesn't like them and doesn't use mine. She doesn't really need to be able to connect online for work. She and Boss used to communicate by phone.
A couple of months ago, Boss insisted that all their communication be by e-mail, claiming that she simply didn't have time to call Mom for a few minutes every few days. So Mom enlisted my help. I willingly became her e-mail receiver. I didn't think it was a big deal.
Some background on me. I'm not quite 26, female, and unemployed, though I've been doing some odd jobs when I can get them (mostly pet sitting.) I live with Mom in the house she owns and where I grew up. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 11, and since then have developed anxiety and panic disorder. It's mostly gone untreated. I've been uninsured since turning 18, and I've gone downhill severely since I was diagnosed with PCOS (a condition which can cause or exacerbate depression) and the dog I had since I was 14 died last autumn. I've been looking into resources for counseling for uninsured people (and have found some, mercifully), am trying different medications to treat my symptoms (so far, not much luck) and have been looking into jobs I might enjoy enough that I would be able to dedicate myself to one and keep it even through my deep depression. I've done some petting sitting work through Mom's boss, and had even been hoping she would agree to be a reference for me.
I don't have friends or family, except Mom, and haven't for a long time. I've largely kept myself afloat by involving myself in online fan communities. Not having a real world social life, I've found I can connect with others by connecting over something we mutually enjoy. Music has always been a refuge for me, and right now my favorite online community is the fan community for my favorite singer.
I've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts and feelings recently. They began when I was a teenager and have come and gone, but lately I've felt worthless, useless, pointless. I no longer have my dog to care for; I've got no one and I'm so lonely.
The serious problem began with me doing yet another favor for Boss. She needed something designed and printed (I have some graphics design ability), or so I understood, and so I did, free of charge.
The paper is a slip that Boss's sub-contractors need to fill out and sign to be paid for their jobs. Boss's version was a disaster, I redesigned it from scratch, as per Mom's instructions, to be easier to read and use, for which Boss thanked me.
Boss has always printed these slips for Mom and her other sub-contractors. But after Mom had me print one out, she claimed that she had only done this for Mom and since I was able to print them, Mom would have to have me make them.
Mom knows Boss makes the slips for others, but she agreed without a fight. The only thing she asked for was the master sheet back, so she can use it herself.
Apparently this was asking much too much.
I e-mailed Boss and politely asked for the sheet back, since she indicated she won't need it. She replied with two e-mails, agreeing to return the slip, but both of them rude and critical. Not of Mom... of me. (She barely knows me. The most contact we've ever had has been a handful of conversations and the times I've done her favors for my mom's benefit.)
I wrote the nastiest e-mail I could possibly think of to vent, with no intention of sending it and instead, with Mom's permission, wrote back a very polite e-mail which thanked her for agreeing to return the slip but asked her to please be considerate, especially of Mom.
The next day, at a job Boss and Mom worked on together, she refused to return the slip. She said she didn't have it (at one point, Mom actually saw it in her hand) and that her daughter had it to make copies for the other sub-contractors to copy.
Mom, having had quite enough, called Boss's daughter. She nicely asked, not actually saying she knew Boss was lying, if she would please return the slip when she was finished with it.
Of course, the daughter had never heard a thing and did not have the slip.
I think it goes without saying the slip wasn't that big a deal. Mom was just sick to death of being cheated out of things by this woman.
Boss e-mailed me. First, she was horrendously nasty to Mom, basically saying how dare she call her daughter to ask about the slip she had lied about.
Then she ripped into me. She said I was lazy and useless and not really depressed at all. She said she has experience with depression because her grandson has struggled with it for a few months, and that because he is employed, I should be, too.
I know I shouldn't take this to heart. My mom's told me about her troubles over the years. The truth is that she has raised her two grandchildren because her own daughter is a drug addict whose children's father is a convicted murderer (as is their uncle, his brother) and she couldn't raise them while in prison. Those grandchildren no longer have anything to do with their mother. That Boss would rip into me for merely being unemployed seems hypocritical to the point of oblivious.
But the problem is that she struck a nerve. I was already feeling worthless and so pointless and hopeless that I might as well be dead. I'm always afraid of people judging me or hating me, it's part of the reason I've never posted here.
I began to cry as I read her e-mail. I started crying so hard my mom was freaking out, telling me to calm down, and that she wasn't worth this. As I sat at my computer, I began retching and had to run to the bathroom to vomit. I began talking about giving up and dying and not knowing what to do. This morning I woke up with hundreds of tiny red speckles on my face... I flushed so badly it hasn't gone away and I may have broken capillaries.
Mom took me, both of us in our pajamas, for a ride down to the beach so she could keep me close and keep an eye on me. She didn't take me home until I had talked for a long while and calmed down.
I've never had such an intense emotional reaction to something so small. But this near stranger was telling me I really am as worthless as I feel and somehow, I couldn't help but take it to heart.
Mom is quitting, and has some savings. She's going to be able to keep a few clients. We're looking into serious treatment for me, she's promised she'll really help me instead of trying to ignore the problem. So I guess that's good, and right now I'm really glad to have her.
But I'm not feeling a whole lot better today. I still feel so worthless I wonder how I'm even still alive. I feel so bad that I imagine I should be dead just from the feelings.
I've never had a crisis quite this bad. I still feel really lost and don't know what to do with these feelings. I feel like I'm filled with poison and it's going to destroy me. I've felt this way before, but in much smaller doses. Right now every drop of self hatred and self doubt I've ever had has welled up in me.
What does a person do when they feel this way? Does anyone have any ideas?
Anyway, last night something happened, and I have to talk about it. I feel like I just need to get this out of me. I don't really have anywhere else to go with these thoughts and feelings. I'm sorry, I know this is really lengthy.
First, a little background. My mom's an independent contractor and a service worker. She works for an agency, who gets her clients. The agency is basically one woman, who's technically her agent, not her boss, but has always treated Mom like an employee.
My mom's worked for her for fifteen years. Lately, things have been bad. Once, my mom considered this woman a friend, and has done her some truly enormous favors. She's done everything for this woman short of giving her a kidney. I've personally done her favors, too. But over the last few years, Boss has increasingly treated Mom poorly, and over the last few months has appeared to be trying to torment her. She's cheated her out of money, canceled her from jobs without the client's knowledge or permission, lied and said horrible things. Mom has no idea what caused this, the woman would never tell her what was wrong or if there was a problem.
Mom is capable of operating a computer, but doesn't like them and doesn't use mine. She doesn't really need to be able to connect online for work. She and Boss used to communicate by phone.
A couple of months ago, Boss insisted that all their communication be by e-mail, claiming that she simply didn't have time to call Mom for a few minutes every few days. So Mom enlisted my help. I willingly became her e-mail receiver. I didn't think it was a big deal.
Some background on me. I'm not quite 26, female, and unemployed, though I've been doing some odd jobs when I can get them (mostly pet sitting.) I live with Mom in the house she owns and where I grew up. I was diagnosed with depression when I was 11, and since then have developed anxiety and panic disorder. It's mostly gone untreated. I've been uninsured since turning 18, and I've gone downhill severely since I was diagnosed with PCOS (a condition which can cause or exacerbate depression) and the dog I had since I was 14 died last autumn. I've been looking into resources for counseling for uninsured people (and have found some, mercifully), am trying different medications to treat my symptoms (so far, not much luck) and have been looking into jobs I might enjoy enough that I would be able to dedicate myself to one and keep it even through my deep depression. I've done some petting sitting work through Mom's boss, and had even been hoping she would agree to be a reference for me.
I don't have friends or family, except Mom, and haven't for a long time. I've largely kept myself afloat by involving myself in online fan communities. Not having a real world social life, I've found I can connect with others by connecting over something we mutually enjoy. Music has always been a refuge for me, and right now my favorite online community is the fan community for my favorite singer.
I've been having a lot of suicidal thoughts and feelings recently. They began when I was a teenager and have come and gone, but lately I've felt worthless, useless, pointless. I no longer have my dog to care for; I've got no one and I'm so lonely.
The serious problem began with me doing yet another favor for Boss. She needed something designed and printed (I have some graphics design ability), or so I understood, and so I did, free of charge.
The paper is a slip that Boss's sub-contractors need to fill out and sign to be paid for their jobs. Boss's version was a disaster, I redesigned it from scratch, as per Mom's instructions, to be easier to read and use, for which Boss thanked me.
Boss has always printed these slips for Mom and her other sub-contractors. But after Mom had me print one out, she claimed that she had only done this for Mom and since I was able to print them, Mom would have to have me make them.
Mom knows Boss makes the slips for others, but she agreed without a fight. The only thing she asked for was the master sheet back, so she can use it herself.
Apparently this was asking much too much.
I e-mailed Boss and politely asked for the sheet back, since she indicated she won't need it. She replied with two e-mails, agreeing to return the slip, but both of them rude and critical. Not of Mom... of me. (She barely knows me. The most contact we've ever had has been a handful of conversations and the times I've done her favors for my mom's benefit.)
I wrote the nastiest e-mail I could possibly think of to vent, with no intention of sending it and instead, with Mom's permission, wrote back a very polite e-mail which thanked her for agreeing to return the slip but asked her to please be considerate, especially of Mom.
The next day, at a job Boss and Mom worked on together, she refused to return the slip. She said she didn't have it (at one point, Mom actually saw it in her hand) and that her daughter had it to make copies for the other sub-contractors to copy.
Mom, having had quite enough, called Boss's daughter. She nicely asked, not actually saying she knew Boss was lying, if she would please return the slip when she was finished with it.
Of course, the daughter had never heard a thing and did not have the slip.
I think it goes without saying the slip wasn't that big a deal. Mom was just sick to death of being cheated out of things by this woman.
Boss e-mailed me. First, she was horrendously nasty to Mom, basically saying how dare she call her daughter to ask about the slip she had lied about.
Then she ripped into me. She said I was lazy and useless and not really depressed at all. She said she has experience with depression because her grandson has struggled with it for a few months, and that because he is employed, I should be, too.
I know I shouldn't take this to heart. My mom's told me about her troubles over the years. The truth is that she has raised her two grandchildren because her own daughter is a drug addict whose children's father is a convicted murderer (as is their uncle, his brother) and she couldn't raise them while in prison. Those grandchildren no longer have anything to do with their mother. That Boss would rip into me for merely being unemployed seems hypocritical to the point of oblivious.
But the problem is that she struck a nerve. I was already feeling worthless and so pointless and hopeless that I might as well be dead. I'm always afraid of people judging me or hating me, it's part of the reason I've never posted here.
I began to cry as I read her e-mail. I started crying so hard my mom was freaking out, telling me to calm down, and that she wasn't worth this. As I sat at my computer, I began retching and had to run to the bathroom to vomit. I began talking about giving up and dying and not knowing what to do. This morning I woke up with hundreds of tiny red speckles on my face... I flushed so badly it hasn't gone away and I may have broken capillaries.
Mom took me, both of us in our pajamas, for a ride down to the beach so she could keep me close and keep an eye on me. She didn't take me home until I had talked for a long while and calmed down.
I've never had such an intense emotional reaction to something so small. But this near stranger was telling me I really am as worthless as I feel and somehow, I couldn't help but take it to heart.
Mom is quitting, and has some savings. She's going to be able to keep a few clients. We're looking into serious treatment for me, she's promised she'll really help me instead of trying to ignore the problem. So I guess that's good, and right now I'm really glad to have her.
But I'm not feeling a whole lot better today. I still feel so worthless I wonder how I'm even still alive. I feel so bad that I imagine I should be dead just from the feelings.
I've never had a crisis quite this bad. I still feel really lost and don't know what to do with these feelings. I feel like I'm filled with poison and it's going to destroy me. I've felt this way before, but in much smaller doses. Right now every drop of self hatred and self doubt I've ever had has welled up in me.
What does a person do when they feel this way? Does anyone have any ideas?
Get yourself a puppy .. assuming that is practical.
Pursue medical treatment for your depression and anything else you need.
Don't let what other people say about you change what you think about yourself. What you think is the only thing that is important.
No one can make you feel bad about yourself without your permission (Eleanor Roosevelt).
You have made a good post. Look to DS for support and friendship. You will find more of it in the Depression Group:
. www.dailystrength.org/c/Depression/support-group
As to a dog, I don't feel ready for a new one yet. I got a pair of rats from a rescue shortly after my dog died. They're not my babies they way he was, but they're sweet little guys and they can be a lot of fun when I'm feeling up to engaging with them.
Hopefully I'll be able to get a new best buddy eventually.
Heymama - That's a great t-shirt. I could really use it and the attitude to go with it right now.
You're so right. I want so badly to respond to her in kind, but I know it's not the right thing to do. Mom and I have our differences, but it's times like these I realize how lucky I am. I'm not alone.
Thanks for all your kind words, it's nice just to be able to read them.
serious issues here. Some people can be heartless and it sounds like this women needs a heart. Maybe there is another type of line of work that your mom can do. that would be a first. next it sounds like she may suffer from confidence issues. so get a caring therapist.
i am told that exercise is good for emotional health. it isn't the answer
but can help the depression. there are a lot of medicines on the market ..a MD would be able to give you the best help..for both you and mom....
i have suffered from depression since i was little around 2 or 3...
my dad says i cried immensely. i think depression is like crying inside. it hurts..but like the skin on an onion...therapy can undo with patience...the hurt that has been established ...
music is the best therapy for depression..try singing ..join a choir.
take music lessons....art is also a good for moods...
do your best....i have daughters that are in their late 20's...that may suffer from depression...but they are not open about it...
good luck...pray for the best....check out the st francis prayer..it really cuts through the depression
I'm trying to get more exercise and sunshine. You're quite right, my doctor told me the same thing. Hopefully once I begin getting some real treatment I'll have an easier time with that.
I appreciate your kindness.
Cindy - Thanks, you're so nice. I actually do have some skills and talents and once I'm doing better I hope to be able to put them to good use.
I think your volunteerism idea is a good one. Dedicating myself to something I care about (an animal shelter definitely appeals), making myself feel useful and worthwhile is probably a really good idea. I seem to lack drive, but again, I'm hoping treatment will change that.
Thank you for your kindness and prayers.
You did a good thing in posting, the first is hard but then it's easy, right?
You had a bad story that I think ends in a good direction. Leaving that woman behind is certainly the way to go. Sounds to me like she was in menopause, big time and knew who to pick on. No more!
There are people like this in all our lives, for a time and often lots of them over the years. The thing is to build a defence against them and use it. You will learn when to recognise such people and know quickly they are to be avoided. Dismiss them and move on. You can work with such people as long as the work groups isn't just 2. The way to do that is to bond with the nice people who will stick with you. These people never attack groups.
Big tip. Never write anything on an email you don't want to send. Eventually you will send the nasty one. By accident or in anger. I did, to my boss. It was about another worker, her best friend.
I ran down the stairs to her office and found she wasn't there and deleted it. Lucky I noticed at all! Don't even risk it, it's a mind numbing horror.
I see you have docs and meds and counselling. Which means you are on track.
Not much to add except to asl if O'bama's health care helps you at all or isn't yet working.
Good luck and may all the nasties get the karma they deserve, and quickly.
Thanks for the e-mail tip. You have a really good point. It was so tempting to send the nasty one. My finger was itching to hit the send button so much I switched from e-mail to a word processor.
I'm really glad I didn't. I admit, it was extremely profane and sunk at least to Boss's level. I wouldn't have forgiven myself. Maybe next time I'll write the nastygram with pen and paper instead.
I'm glad you had the presence of thought to realize you could delete the one you sent accidentally. That was some quick thinking and action.
As to Boss, she's some years past the big change of life, but I know she has some personal problems. I think she decided my good ol' reliable mom and her loser kid made really good punching bags.
I think she thinks Mom doesn't have any other options. She's got another thing coming tomorrow afternoon.
Thanks, your post was really cool and helpful. I appreciate it.
One of the clients Mom is keeping was kind enough to explain that Boss called her and told her A. that she fired Mom and B. that it was because Mom was mistreating clients.
Boss is now also demanding payment for the lost clients, even though she owes Mom a paycheck. I am so furious I am shaking.
She doesn't know it yet, but she's going to small claims court for certain.
Thanks again, everyone, for listening. You guys really helped.
Keep posting on here. Also from what you wrote, you may be eligible for medicaid for the disabled. I was on it for a few years. You get your doc to fill out a disability form and some other paperwork and then get medicaid. Please look into it. It can't hurt to apply.