I went to the doctor today. Specifically an Endocrinologist. This a doctor that treats diabetes and other glad problems or diseases. She said that most of my symptoms can be sumed up into one dosorder....Cushings Disease. This disease could be why I am not responding well to antidepressants and other treatments. That is not saying I do not have a part in the depression. I am just saying it may not be all in my head.

This could also explain why it is hard for me to loose weight, why I am a borderline diabetic, why I have a spot on my adrenal gland that is growing very slowly. And a few other illnesses that I have been diagonosed with. She also told me that this is a very hard disease to diagonos and treat.

It is something of a positive so I am looking up today. It is a start. I am working on being positive today because since last Tuesday night I have felt less anxiety. Part is thanks to the overdose I did because it broke the cycle and the other part is my pastor is actually trying to understand what is going on in my head. On Monday I sat down with him and explained how the overdose worked to help break the cycle.

I do not know if any of you have felt so much anxiety and staying in the moment is what is causing it to get worse that you are looking for anyway to decrease the feelings that you would do anything. Like drink, drugs, self abuse with cutting or even gamble just to get away from the feelings. Well my way is to overdose on Benadryl. I do a small amount that i know won't kill me. The only draw back is what my pastor said to me is that my body may become so used to the ODing and the drugs that it may not work in the future. Also he said just imagine what it is doing to your internal organs. When I am in the heat of the moment I am not thinking about the future problems I am trying to get the present to be less horible.